I have been with DH for nearly 18 years. When I met him, I had low self esteem and no self confidence and sort of just ended up with him as he was the first serious person that was into me. There was no spark, no love and I just settled.
Looking back, I didn't think that I had.
I'm now more confident and still working on my self esteem but I feel an immense sense of sadness. He has taken a back seat in raising our children. He makes no effort in our relationship. He's not romantic (I am) or puts any effort into our anniversary/ my birthday, doesn't buy me little gifts. In the early years, id do sweet things for him, organise trips for his birthday, valentine's, anniversary and then one day I just stopped and it all stopped. I've withdrawn from the marriage and he hasn't even noticed or cared. He spends all his evenings after work sat in front of a tv , phone , iPad. I'm desperately lonely. I've lost who I was as a person.
I'm left doing everything for the kids l. It was horrendously hard when they were young but now it's easier as they are older and can do things for themselves. He's just watched on and locked himself in his room leaving me to deal with them. The lockdown was horrendous. He literally locked himself up whilst I juggled homeschooling, working and looking after a toddler.
I am just so so sad the way things have turned out because of the choice I have made. I can't even leave right now but I'm hoping to when all the kids have left home. I might be dead by then but the thought of growing old with him makes my heart sink.
I feel I have to dissociate in order to cope with life and on the whole I do okay and then there's days like this where I find it so overwhelming and I just want to run away.