Please help me with DD’s behaviour

[Hairoit]

DD is 7 and can be absolutely brilliant. She is outgoing, funny, achieving well at school, good group of friends, teacher says her behaviour is amazing and she’s always keen to help. She has 3 hobbies that she loves but plenty of time to chill out.

The problem is that she just won’t listen to a word I say. I have to ask her several times to do anything and she will just ignore me. I then raise my voice to tell her off and she’ll get angry or upset that I’m cross with her but will then do whatever it is that she’s been asked to do (very slowly). We’ve tried talking about her behaviour when she’s calm and coming up with plans for how it will improve, including rewards and reward charts but nothing seems to work.

what am I doing wrong here?

What are the consequences for not listening? Time out? Lose of some privilege? There needs to be a clear natural consequence that is consistently applied to dd learns that you are the boss

Yes. She loses privileges like TV time or when there is time (i.e we are not trying to get out the door to get to school) we tell her to go and sit on the bottom of the stairs for 7 minutes to think and then we go and calmly discuss the behaviour and she apologises.

Is her hearing OK?

At that age, I'd do a stern voice and say "I am going to count to three and if you don't have your shoes and coat on by three, you'll be sitting on the step". And do it (slow counting if she is working on it). Let her be late for school one or two days if necessary. Once the rule was clear, then just the stern voice was normally enough.

Yes she can certainly hear things she wants to hear 😅

I’ve tried the countdown. It does work to a degree (although the tone needed is a little stronger than stern) but is this really the answer? To be constantly counting down and telling her off? It’s exhausting

With some kids...yes.

Sorry.

The key is consistency. If you need to do a countdown, do it every time and make the rules absolutely clear.

For leaving the house for school, a visual timetable can be v helpful too.

Dr. Chelsey parenting on Instagram might help you.

Have you tried not hearing her when she wants something?

I adore my own DD but she can be extremely frustrating, including in the way you describe (she does have some special needs).

A book I found helpful and practical is "10 Days to a Less Defiant Child" (Bernstein).