How do I communicate with my partner without causing stress!

[KeepingthePeaceAgain]

Two habits that are driving me nuts.

1.Is that they only half listen. If say anything really simple I always have to repeat it. “Can you pass me the milk” Their reply will be “the butter?” If I wanted the butter I would have asked for the butter Listen. Why do I have to say everything and I mean everything twice. Apparently there is nothing wrong with their hearing.

2.Is that most of the time they do their own thing. If they have are not doing anything they will ask me a question which they could work out themselves or leave for me to do later.
I was working on my laptop they come in and ask “do you want me to empty the tumble drier” How do I know I am upstairs nowhere near the tumble drier just leave me alone. If I reply No thanks they will ask me why not and just continue the stress and needless conversation. If I say up to you the same happens. Then I am accused of not being helpful

How do I stop these situations without getting annoyed and preventing them from happening in the first place

the First one I would try saying their name first to get their attention as they are probably miles away and only registering the first part of what you are saying.

the second one I have no idea as my partner is exactly the same and it’s so annoying. Questions questions. Even non home related stuff like what will the weather be like next week? Just Google it! Ffs! Not even a “do you know …..?”

quite often I am in one room and they are in the kitchen and they shout/ask “is this clean or dirty?” 😫😫😫😫😫😫 they seem to think I can see through walls!!!

Wait until the instance of idiotic questioning has passed and you are calm. Then ask him why he asks you questions like this. Focussing on the problem not the person.

So instead of -

"Jesus Christ you incompetent twat. Just check the fucking washing to see if it's dry and if it is just take it out of the machine and fold it and put it away. Can you find the wardrobe or would like me to draw you a map?"

You could try -

"I felt a bit frustrated earlier on when you asked me if I wanted you to empty the tumble drier because it felt like you could have figured that out by yourself. But then once I'd had a think about it I realised that you might have had a reason for asking. Why did you ask me?".

He may not have a reason but you can then have a calm discussion about how it makes you feel.

If it makes you feel better my husband once called me when I was driving to deliver a training session hundreds of miles away to tell me he couldn't find the cheese in the fridge. To this day I don't know what he thought I could do about that.

For the first, you need to get their attention by saying their name and get them to at least look at you. I can't get my DH to do this, and he gets so cross, but he can't understand my attention is on whatever it is I am looking at and I need a moment to refocus on him. I am going deaf, so this is also part of it.
Please give us warning you are going to ask us for something

No idea about the second.

My DH has a habit of asking me something when I'm in the middle of doing something else, so either I don't hear him or I don't really register what he's saying. If I ask him to repeat what he said he will just say a random word or two, ( think ' the butter' instead of the original sentence which was ' do you want me to take the butter out of the fridge to soften'.) Then he gets cross because I don't answer or give the wrong answer. He thinks that because what I am doing isn't important (scrolling through Mumsnet, watching telly, reading etc.) it means that I should be able to hear what he's saying. I can't.

So - before talking to him say his name so that he knows you are about to do so. Don't assume he can hear you, or that just because you have said his name he is listening. Check first.
If you do need to repeat what you have said - repeat it in full not just a word of two. They won't mean anything out of context.

As for the second bit - I think absolutely everyone with a partner or children goes through this, more so if they are reasonably competent.
My strategies should not, necessarily, be copied.
My answers are:
I don't know, where did you put it?
Where have you looked?
Where does it live?
Where did I tell you it was last time?

Very occasionally, when there is a reason for the original question, I will tell them exactly where the thing is and when they come back to tell me it's not there (I know if is because that's where I put it) then the answer is 'well then it's wherever you moved it to. Look again'

Thank you all!

Seems like you all agree on the first point. I will use see how that goes.

This is pretty much my response! "Jesus Christ you incompetent twat. Just check the fucking washing to see if it's dry and if it is just take it out of the machine and fold it and put it away. Can you find the wardrobe or would like me to draw you a map?"

I will try and adapt.

Just been asked if I would like him to use the Air Fryer this evening as he is cooking..... instant response was I dont give a f just cook the meal however instead my reply was "as you are cooking tonight I will leave the decision to you" with a smile on my face and left the room