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Original poster

To go no/low contact with FIL?

7 replies

Abc123starmerisaflea · 07/02/2025 09:15

For background I have had a great relationship with FIL since I’ve known him, he was always involved in our family and made effort when others didn’t.
Sadly he decided to rip the family apart by cheating on MIL and is now engaged to the other woman. It’s been really difficult navigating the relationships while being loyal to MIL but wanting FIL to be involved with his grandchildren.
It came to blows when FIL referred to his fiancée as our children’s grandmother. I’m extremely against this and find it disrespectful against MIL and to assume we will accept it without asking us beforehand. We were at a child’s party the following day when he demanded to come and see ‘their’ grandchildren, we said we were busy and we’ll rearrange to which he replied he’s coming whether we like it or not as he has a right to see ‘their’ grandchildren.
It’s made it very awkward, the last time we saw him he was completely uninterested in our children and mentioned his fiancées real grandchildren will be bridesmaids at their wedding but ours won’t be part of the day. I’ve told DH I will not be going to the wedding as I don’t support their relationship based on an affair.
DH has always begged his father for attention and does whatever he can to be in his good books, he’s accepted he has changed and is currently grieving the relationship they used to have.
He reached out and asked FIL to visit us at the weekend (asked on a Monday), he agreed and then said it’s too short notice they have plans and very angrily told him he needs to give several weeks notice as they’re extremely busy people. He used to come along spontaneously and our children enjoyed spending time with him, now they’re aware it’s a burden on him.
He now implies his time is more important and we need to make allowances for that. I don’t know if the fiancée is controlling all of this or if the real him is coming out, but I’m already sick of the situation and feeling on edge whenever he phones. I’m happy to never speak to him again and protect my children from the mess he has caused, but DH wants a relationship with him and accepts the fiancée if it means being part of his life.
So would you go no/low contact or grin and bear it to support DH?

OP posts:
coolkatt · 07/02/2025 09:18

Yip my kids play second fiddle to no one. No contact is the way forward. If your husband want to see him he does it alone.

Itisbetter · 07/02/2025 09:21

Invite him for several weeks time and give yourselves a break.

Springflowersmakeforbetterhours · 07/02/2025 09:26

Keep in mind he actually has no rights to see your dc... Maybe dh can attempt to build on his own relationship with his df if he wishes but you and the dc aren't party to his act of Great Family Man. Dgm indeed... What a dick..

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Relationship problems
mindutopia · 07/02/2025 10:22

As he isn’t a risk to you or your dc (you just don’t like his life choices, understandably so!), I think you need to let your Dh take the lead on managing the relationship with his family. You can choose whether or not you want to come to any thing he plans with his dad, but I think he needs to be the one sorting this out.

SallyWD · 07/02/2025 10:27

mindutopia · 07/02/2025 10:22

As he isn’t a risk to you or your dc (you just don’t like his life choices, understandably so!), I think you need to let your Dh take the lead on managing the relationship with his family. You can choose whether or not you want to come to any thing he plans with his dad, but I think he needs to be the one sorting this out.

Agree

TheyAreNotAngelsTheyDontCareAtAll · 07/02/2025 13:06

Abc123starmerisaflea · 07/02/2025 09:15

For background I have had a great relationship with FIL since I’ve known him, he was always involved in our family and made effort when others didn’t.
Sadly he decided to rip the family apart by cheating on MIL and is now engaged to the other woman. It’s been really difficult navigating the relationships while being loyal to MIL but wanting FIL to be involved with his grandchildren.
It came to blows when FIL referred to his fiancée as our children’s grandmother. I’m extremely against this and find it disrespectful against MIL and to assume we will accept it without asking us beforehand. We were at a child’s party the following day when he demanded to come and see ‘their’ grandchildren, we said we were busy and we’ll rearrange to which he replied he’s coming whether we like it or not as he has a right to see ‘their’ grandchildren.
It’s made it very awkward, the last time we saw him he was completely uninterested in our children and mentioned his fiancées real grandchildren will be bridesmaids at their wedding but ours won’t be part of the day. I’ve told DH I will not be going to the wedding as I don’t support their relationship based on an affair.
DH has always begged his father for attention and does whatever he can to be in his good books, he’s accepted he has changed and is currently grieving the relationship they used to have.
He reached out and asked FIL to visit us at the weekend (asked on a Monday), he agreed and then said it’s too short notice they have plans and very angrily told him he needs to give several weeks notice as they’re extremely busy people. He used to come along spontaneously and our children enjoyed spending time with him, now they’re aware it’s a burden on him.
He now implies his time is more important and we need to make allowances for that. I don’t know if the fiancée is controlling all of this or if the real him is coming out, but I’m already sick of the situation and feeling on edge whenever he phones. I’m happy to never speak to him again and protect my children from the mess he has caused, but DH wants a relationship with him and accepts the fiancée if it means being part of his life.
So would you go no/low contact or grin and bear it to support DH?

It's his dick that is controlling his behaviour. He's trying to impress the new woman, and is obliviouz to the havoc he has caused.

YourHappyJadeEagle · 07/02/2025 17:04

Wow. Sounds like he’s just using your dc to make himself feel good and present a “good family man” persona.
Your DH can meet his dad for a drink, lunch, breakfast, coffee whatever but I’d be cutting FIL off. I jump for no man.

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