Fighting myself all the time

[Awayhere]

Can anyone help me get unstuck - or work out why I’m stuck? I follow the same patterns of behavior and I hate it. For example, I desperately need a change of scene, DS 17 needs an adventure but I can’t seem to motivate myself to book anything. I’m either sooo bored I don’t know where to even start, have a teeny budget, am scared DS will be bored, it’s easier not to go.
its like there are two equally opposing forces in me fighting it out- it’s exhausting but now it’s become like this for absolutely everything. I have an an internal struggle ridiculous things like buying new knickers and in the end it’s easier not to bother, but that affects my self esteem. It also means I don’t get anything done - I can’t buy stuff for the house, I can’t get declutterred or tidy. I can’t even buy a lipstick or decide what to cook for dinner. Help!

Only a small piece of advice because I’m currently battling through this myself, but try meditation to get off the fight, flight or freeze response. You need to move away from fear being the default emotion.

At the moment you are paralysed because you feel you are treading water and any decision you make with unforeseen repercussions could potentially sink the boat. Your nervous system or subconscious brain has itself it a nice safe pattern and wants to keep you there, while your conscious brain wants you to do normal stuff like book adventure holidays.

Additionally you need to internalise two messages, one you can’t control whether or not your son will enjoy the adventure holiday, and two, you will both be absolutely fine even if it’s the worst holiday you ever have.

happyinarcon
Apologies for not responding sooner, I got in a mental struggle about responding - I didn’t know how and what to write, so here is just me writing. I hope it makes sense.
Mainly, thank you so very much for this , you have explained it beautifully, - I’m really grateful as now I don’t feel like I’m going mad, but understand it must be something developed as a protection after various crap events.
im sorry you are going through it, but selfishly grateful. I really hope you are able to ‘recover’ if that’s the right word.
Thank you very much for taking the time and explaining, it helps immensely- I thought I was just being rubbish and hence my self esteem was hitting the floor and to cope, I was hitting the bottle.
I’m going to look into therapy as I think this is something I can’t deal with on my own. I assume you have some kind of help?
and no, I didn’t book anywhere with son - I just got myself mentally stressed and exhausted, arguing with myself over every little thing. You are right of course, we had a rubbish weeks holiday last year - because I was too scared to plan - and he said it was rubbish but that was kind of funny. Bless him.,
I’m cross with myself, but can be gentle now I know why. Baby steps!
good luck and a massive thank you.