I can't cope anymore ..

[sirflumpalot]

Work FT and it's just so busy and full on. I am manager of a large team.
Managing my teen DC (16) with online schooling at home. He has SEN and cannot manage his own time/self. I need to cajole him to get up every day while also managing/leading meetings I have at the same time. I manage his homework, assignments and engagement with teachers. I bath him and me and DH make 90% of his dinners/food. He has ARFID.
Other teen is non-SEN and in mainstream secondary. He has to be cajoled every.single.day to get up, dropped at school, constant detentions, useless at managing his own time, late for everything, bedroom is a sh*t tip with food/plates/cutlery, constantly hungry in that we cannot stock the cupboards quick enough, lazy, moans about lack of food (coz her has eaten it all), I'm constantly washing uniform and cleaning school shoes (he would go to school with clumps of mud on his shoes, I cannot stand that)
Managing the house - cleaning, laundry, weekly food shop (food plan, book, update, manage, take delivery & put away), manage finances, manage social activities for SEN DC (he has no friends and all social things are with me)
Book activities and take DC
Need to source/organise/arrange work experience for younger teen
Chase hospital appt for younger teen
Application to write and submit for SEN teen
Friends organising a weekend away and the chat for this is never-ending and non-stop. My phone is pinging like mad.
Fit in seeing friends and family, love my friends and family and enjoy seeing them
Fit in own time/hobbys
I have several friends who are waiting for my whatsapp reply. These friends live far away so we only catch up via whatsapp and these are often long messages !
I have cancer and am about to start treatment
and as I type this the bin stinks and needs emptying - no one else in the house could care less about this

I'm so sorry about your diagnosis and completely understand why you feel overwhelmed.💐

Is there a reason why 100% of the house and childcare is on your shoulders? Does your husband have disabilities or work away for example?

Can you buy in help? A cleaner? Meal boxes? Send out laundry?

Your other teen sounds like there is some SN to be honest, but when there’s a child with more pronounced SN it can be difficult to recognise it. Perhaps look into adhd, maybe ASD. There may be certain strategies that could make life a bit less chaotic.

Could either you or dh cut your hours at all? I do understand that’s not always possible.

Outsource whatever you can to save time and energy. Do you have any friends or family who might occasionally help do you can have a break?

thank you @Obscurial & @username299 for your replies.

DH is ASD and if he has more than 1 pressure on his plate then he cannot cope. At the moment he is currently WFH and holding a meeting while also making dinner for tonight for us all. Dinner will cook slowly throughout the day. This is the only time he has to make dinner today. He likes to cook. He has just taken on a new team at work and is really stressed with it. If I ask him to pick up any tasks, then he cannot cope and collapses (not literally) under the pressure.

he is currently asking me to remind him tonight to update something online for the younger teen school account. Who is going to remind me to remind him ? only he has access to the online account. Draining

That sounds so difficult, especially since you're about to face treatment. Your husband obviously can't help his disability but no wonder you're exhausted.

Can he set a reminder on his phone or is that too much for him?

The only way forward in my opinion, is throwing money at it. Outsourcing as much as possible as you both have busy jobs.

In cases like that could you get a big magnetic whiteboard type thing to stick on your fridge? Every time he asks to be reminded of something tell him to write it down.

I’m autistic and having someone to remind me of things would be lovely, but I’m an adult and sometimes we need to make the adjustments for ourselves, particularly if our actions are impacting those we love! It does tend to be women who are more able to adapt to meet our family’s needs, but this is socialisation not innate sex differences. If there are times where you could introduce some more boundaries for yourself and expect a bit more from your dh it might help a bit.

Outsource.

Been there done that - I had a serious accident and couldn't do what I had previously done.

Get a cleaner/housekeeper for two or three mornings a week.

Simplify food right down.