Would you encourage DD to give up sport under these circumstances?

[Woodsortrees]

Apologies for the length of this. DD (11) plays a sport (let’s call it cricket) at the weekends which she has quite enjoyed for a few years. She plays at school and externally - more recently at a new club, for logistical reasons. At school she’s in the B team (out of 5), and she would be pretty upset to be moved down. At the external club, the coach is a really nice guy who tries hard to give everyone a match, no matter what standard they are.

To be absolutely honest, DD isn’t that brilliant at the sport but she has always enjoyed it. She’s not a noticeable outlier or anything - but I’d say she’s perhaps in the bottom quarter. I have wondered on occasion whether she might be dyspraxic.

She is friends with some very sporty girls (but is not in their class at school this year) who also play at the external club. She is sad not to have been put in the same class as them this year and enjoys playing at the cricket with them, as I think it helps a little bit to keep the friendship ticking over until the classes are reshuffled again next year.

She is also going to be moving schools in a couple of years to join a secondary school attended by a number of the other girls at the cricket club. I thought it would be a good thing for her to build friendships at that school in advance but she is increasingly mentioning to me that these girls are not necessarily hugely friendly or welcoming to her; she says it’s because they think she’ll mess up the match for them. I’m wondering now whether the relationship with these girls may actually make it socially harder for her when she starts at the new school rather than easier. If they are already annoyed at having to play on the same team as her then am I setting her up for social difficulties when she moves school? WWYD? Would you encourage her to drop playing cricket at the club in the hope of starting from a neutral position at the new school? I just want her to be happy but being happy now (enjoying playing cricket and being with the school friends she doesn’t get to see much of) vs happy later without burning any bridges is a hard trade off. I don’t know whether I’m making things worse for her down the line.

It’s so great that she’s active and doing something. So many girls drop out of sport/don’t get involved at all. It’s great that she’s confident going and playing.

Personally from what you’ve said I wouldn’t worry or discourage her. She’s in the B team at school so clearly there she’s good enough.

The other coach at the club is happy to give everyone time to play. It’s not always about ability - it isn’t a professional team (& if it was she wouldn’t have made it). It’s about the fun and being on the team.

Those girls sound a bit cliquey and likely wouldn’t be DDs friends if she quits. She will have lots of other girls to make friends with when she starts secondary who won’t give a hoot if she’s good at cricket.

If she enjoys playing out of school, I really would keep the club goi.
Quite often with sports, kids enjoy going to out of school sessions because they feel good about being part of a club. Belonging. Not always about the sport itself. As long as she's not struggling and comes out being disappointed after each session/match, I'd let her carry on with the club. At a natural point in the future she may well decide to give up herself.
Playing a sport is hugely important for teenagers in particular and during exam times it offers a healthy balance from heavy studying.
I wouldn't worry about the girls from the club, they don't sound particularly friendly anyway. She'll make plenty of new friends at her new school once she settles in, she'll find her own tribe.

As children get older their sports often move from everyone having a go and taking part to filtering out the more talented.

If your daughter is weak at the sport you will have to decide along with her when is the right time to step back. I would imagine that time might be also when she is not enjoying it that much as she is struggling to perform to the required level.

I took my eldest son to group tennis lessons from 5 years old to about 10 years. We then accepted that this would not be his sport as he was pretty weak even after all that time. Giving up gave him more time for his actual passions and talents.

I would take a different angle on the friendships issue and instead of trying to maintain them until classes are (possibly but possibly not) reshuffled I would put more time and energy into encouraging friendships within the class she is actually in.

It would be great to keep your daughter involved in sport but perhaps if she is not actually sporty you might be better off with individual together sports like park run, climbing, ice skating, life guard training etc

I think you meant "into team sports". You are still sporty if you are into individual sports.

And any energy you put into encouraging friendships at this age is wasted - they very much find their own.

By "not sporty" I meant weak at sport. In an individual sport you won't have team mates getting aggy at you. E.g. park run it doesn't matter if you run around in 10 minutes or 30 - it doesn't affect anyone else.

You can’t force or form friendships this way op. When they change schools, friendships often completely change. You’re planning too much ahead. Focus on the here and now for her confidence. It will serve your dd well when she changes school.

My dd changed for year 7 then again in year 9 and she only maintained friendship with 2 girls, both of whom she met when very young. One at 4 the other at about 7.

Your dd will find her tribe. Dd chopped and changed friends in this last school. It’s a lot smaller, private and there were about 40/45 in the year. She then met another girl, who was only in the year for year 9 and they are still firm friends to this day.

As for giving up sport, I would be governed by your dd and her needs.

That’s a fair point. I’m not trying to engineer new friendships or anything - just perhaps give her some exposure to kids who might be in the same year as her when she moves. But I do take your point that if they’re not being particularly nice to her then maybe they wouldn’t be the ones she’d want to choose anyway!

Just let her do what she wants and stop overthinking!

No let her continue if she enjoys it. Doesn't matter if she's good or not, she's only 11

IME young people who are good at sport do tend to be cliquey. It was like that when I was at school and the same at DD's school. The "set one" PE kids stuck together and anyone who wasn't good at sport was beyond the pale.

Interestingly, my friend's DS (in a different year from DD) who is a good runner and climber was also looked down upon by the set one PE kids.

I can't help but feel that this type of behaviour is not discouraged by the school as the HT is an ex PE teacher.

Trying to engineer friendships at any time (let alone years in the future) is a totally pointless exercise. They will do what they want to do and be friends, or otherwise, with who they chose, not with who you’ve tried to engineer them with, years in advance.

Why would you want her to give up a sport she enjoys, on the off chance she might become friends with some not-very-nice-sounding girls, several years down the road?

And why not say the sport fgs. Unless it’s blindfolded unicycle lacrosse I think it’d be fairly anonymous!

Does she like anything else like drama? My daughter is autistic and dyspraxic and the drama club is where she found her tribe. She goes to a club and does drama at school. A lot of the children overlap which has helped with friendships at secondary school.

She hates PE mainly because the sporty girls get mad with her if she messes up and the team she is on looses. It’s horrible she always gets picks last and has to endure the girls shouting at her. Am trying to find ways of getting her out of it as it’s so cruel.

She loves music and so hopefully she’ll find new friends there. The new school is a big place - I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit nervous about how it’s going to work out.

No. I would think it was a deeply unwise decision to encourage a child to give up a sport she loves on the off-chance that her removing herself from being less than stellar at it was going to make her more appealing to a bunch of unfriendly clubmates who will be at her new school.

Honestly, OP, listen to yourself. What kind of message are you giving an 11 year old ‘Prioritise the possible wishes of kids who are better at your sport over your own in case they might deign to befriend you at school if you stop losing them matches by quitting your sport’?

That would be an appalling message to give an impressionable child.

Girls change a lot at this age. It's quite possible that none of them will be playing cricket in 2 years time.
If the new school is a big one, it's quite possible that she will have minimal contact, if any, with the other girls once she starts.
If she is enjoying it at the moment I would see no reason for encouraging her to stop!

No I wouldn't encourage her to drop it if she enjoys it.

What I would do is once the weather is a bit nicer get her outside practising or ask the coach for some 1:1 time.

Catching, running and hitting a ball are all skills that can be practised and improved.

I know this sport isn't necessarily cricket but presumably there are some relevant skills that can be improved at your club too.

The only real exception I would make is for something relying on flexibility as although that can be improved it is hugely dependent on an individuals body limits.

If the school is big then it's highly unlikely that their paths will cross at school, or at least they can coexist happily.

I would also note that the boy who loathed my DS with a passion in Cubs/Scouts until about age 12, became quite good friends with him when they were in sixth form. Circumstance and people change.

Team sports are great and do not require everyone to be the best. Many many girls give up sport and many have not found their strength at age 11. Body image, team behaviours, keeping teens occupied outdoors... these are all great reasons to keep going.

All three of mine play and love sport.. they are not the best but are happy, fit and healthy. There have been moments when it would have been easier to give up, but I am so grateful that all three carried on. It is especially important for girls who don't often find other opportunities to be casually active like kicking the ball round in the park.

I thought it would be a good thing for her to build friendships at that school in advance but she is increasingly mentioning to me that these girls are not necessarily hugely friendly or welcoming to her; she says it’s because they think she’ll mess up the match for them. I’m wondering now whether the relationship with these girls may actually make it socially harder for her when she starts at the new school rather than easier. If they are already annoyed at having to play on the same team as her then am I setting her up for social difficulties when she moves school?

I think you're over thinking it. You also seem to be assuming that they will all be put into a class together, whereas it maybe that just one of them will be with DD and might be very glad to see a friendly face in the first few days, even if they're not close. I won't deny we did exactly the same thing. Put DD in a club to meet some people she would be going to secondary with. She ended up in a class with two of the boys. She never really spoke to them, nor does she now, but it helped that she knew someone in the classroom. As long as your DD has a reputation for being a decent person and a good team player, I don't think you've anything to worry about.

I don't think taking her out now would serve any purpose, they'll still remember who she is, she won't be starting from "neutral".

@Comfygrey You need to be asking the teachers to address the bullying, not trying to find ways to get her out. It is possible, I have a DS with ASD and dyspraxia and the staff don't allow any of that type of behaviour. It's a massive positive change from primary!

One of my daughters wanted to do a sport she was not cut out for. She was absolutely awful - weak and uncoordinated! But she loved it and stuck at it and got really strong. Eventually she was accepted into a competive squad which boosted her confidence massively. Wherever she went, she met people she knew through her sport and 5 years coaching from 14 to 19 was brilliant on her cv/ps and boosted her teenage finances! When she went to uni she was the team captain and won a national competition. Please do not discourage your daughter!

I am mildly dispraxic, took ages to learn how to swim, ride a bike etc as a child, rubbish at tennis, on more than one occasion have had sports coaches tell me I am unteachable ... but in fact, with the right coaching, I am highly teachable.. the first ones being fellow student hockey players at university. I remain forever grateful to the third year students who told me where to put my feet, my hands and how to move my body when none of it was instinctive to me.

My kids have appreciated the coaches who have got down to their level and taught them what to do rather than told or showed them. Two of them are coaches now. One of my kids didn't know how to run and hated always being last... we found a wonderful running coach who did three sessions with her and everyone who sees her run now, says what beautiful technique she has.. she isn't a record breaker or a marathon runner but it feels good in her body and does wonders for her mind... plus she is pretty speedy on the football pitch.

Don't give up on her... feed and nourish her sporting reflexes.

If she enjoys the activity, it doesn’t matter if she is particularly talented. She is being physically active and socializing. These are both huge pluses for a growing girl.

I am having flashbacks to my youngest saying 'well, I want to at least try'.. when being told that something might be too hard for him.. and the same boy beibg determined to take up ice hockey when he was 11 and he couldn't skate when all of the team had been skating since they were 5... he stuck with it and is totally at home in the team now.

If cricket is code for netball, then it’s generally dog eat dog when vying for playing positions, top teams etc. Sometimes the ‘lower’ teams are actually a friendlier place to be and less competitive ( both within the team & in general).

it’s great that your dd is sporty, so I’d encourage keeping active. Maybe try other sports such as hockey, running or even cricket.