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Original poster

How can I build his confidence

21 replies

Catwoman8 · 03/02/2025 18:39

Name changed as a previous thread was outing.

I have a near 6 year old who is shy. He currently does swimming and is doing great, but since moving up a level and and changing instructors he doesnt want to go, but I've insisted he continues as swimming is my none negotiable.

He also does football, he's done this for about 9 months. I have recently registered him to join a new team but he has started to make excuses at training that he feels sick/ has a tummy ache. This has all started since his school friend stopped going about 6 weeks ago.

I'm unsure what to do, I don't want to force him into doing activities, but at the same time if he doesn't have opportunities to mix with other children will he just end up worse? I also think the extra curricular activities are a great way for him to burn energy, he's a high energy child and his behaviour is much better when hes kept active.

My husband thinks we are letting him quit too easily for the wrong reasons (he's tried something else in the past which he gave up for similar reasons). He enjoys playing football at school or at home in, so it leads to me believe it's a lack of social skills/confidence with people he doesn't know well , rather than him not enjoying the activity.

He's due to start beavers soon, and I'm not sure how that will work out , he sounds excited to start which is a positive but I don't want it to he something else he starts and gives up.

Just so it's not a drip feed, he was referred to speech and language in reception for social communication reasons, potential ASD /exhibiting sensory seeking behaviours. School haven't mentioned any concerns over this, but as far as I know he still has a sensory diet and things to help him manage.

Sorry it's long, I'm just looking for some help/guidance or simply to talk to others who have gone through something similar with thier child, and if there was anything that helped?

OP posts:
Original poster
Catwoman8 · 03/02/2025 20:56

BUMP. Anyone?

OP posts:
Zoraflora · 03/02/2025 21:15

He is five he is still very young.

If he is shy he may find hard to join in especially if he doesn’t know any other kids there.

He is socialising in school every day and is probably comfortable doing this in familar surroundings.

He has many years ahead to keep developing his social skills, he will have birthday parties, playdates etc as well as others ways to help him build his confidence.

Mischance · 03/02/2025 21:16

Children of this age tend to put a toe in the water of various activities to find what they like.

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Families
Octavia64 · 03/02/2025 21:19

Drop the football.

Try something else. It's fairly normal at that age to want to try lots of different things (or to put it another way, to get bored with old activities easily).

Sell it to him as you want him to be active and it's fun to try lots of sports.

Billyblue47 · 03/02/2025 21:20

I think a martial art like jujitsu would be good for him.

Newuser75 · 03/02/2025 21:25

I wouldn't force him to do clubs that are making him so anxious. (Although I do agree with you about the swimming being non negotiable).
At the end of the day it's his spare time and he should be able to pick whichever hobbies make him happy.
He will socialise plenty at school.
Also if he does have ASD it is likely that anxiety will come alongside that (my eldest is autistic) and a change in instructor etc finished him off at some clubs that he tried.

I know it's hard as you obviously want the best for him but I'd let him take the lead.

Newuser75 · 03/02/2025 21:27

Oh and my eldest (as I said has asd) would never be left at any club, he would only go if we could stay and even then often found it difficult to join in.
He is 11 now and happily goes to his hobbies without us. They are so young at 5 , they will grow in confidence!

EwwSprouts · 03/02/2025 21:29

So he's in year 1 of school and planned to do three activities? Including one where you've changed his club? He may be high physical energy but I would think he is shattered because so much of it is structured. I'd stick with the swimming as an essential life skill and then give him the choice of football or beavers. Let him burn energy just in the garden or at a park.

Lots of 5 year olds are shy, they're still young. My DS was quiet and has turned out very sporty. At age 5 all he did was swimming and then in the holidays a bit of tennis.

Original poster
Catwoman8 · 03/02/2025 21:48

Billyblue47 · 03/02/2025 21:20

I think a martial art like jujitsu would be good for him.

We have thought about something like this to replace the football if he doesn't want to do that anymore

OP posts:
Ramblingaway · 03/02/2025 21:49

Age five is still young and if you push too much you risk really triggering his anxiety. On the other hand you don't want his world to shrink to school and nothing else. Activities after school when he's tired might not be the best option. Maybe find a swim class on the weekend if that's the priority? My daughter actually likes after school club (wrap around care) at school, it allows her to cement class friendships and have some free play time without too much pressure or structure.

Original poster
Catwoman8 · 03/02/2025 21:50

Newuser75 · 03/02/2025 21:25

I wouldn't force him to do clubs that are making him so anxious. (Although I do agree with you about the swimming being non negotiable).
At the end of the day it's his spare time and he should be able to pick whichever hobbies make him happy.
He will socialise plenty at school.
Also if he does have ASD it is likely that anxiety will come alongside that (my eldest is autistic) and a change in instructor etc finished him off at some clubs that he tried.

I know it's hard as you obviously want the best for him but I'd let him take the lead.

Yes we aren't sure about ASD, nothing has being diagnosed, just something school picked up on when he started, however they haven't mentioned it this year. He's still waiting to be seen by speech and language.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catwoman8 · 03/02/2025 22:01

EwwSprouts · 03/02/2025 21:29

So he's in year 1 of school and planned to do three activities? Including one where you've changed his club? He may be high physical energy but I would think he is shattered because so much of it is structured. I'd stick with the swimming as an essential life skill and then give him the choice of football or beavers. Let him burn energy just in the garden or at a park.

Lots of 5 year olds are shy, they're still young. My DS was quiet and has turned out very sporty. At age 5 all he did was swimming and then in the holidays a bit of tennis.

We haven't changed his club, he's been doing a fun football session once a week but the club are now registering a new team, so he's at the same club he's just put into a team to start playing a match at the weekend.

I appreciate the comments about it being too much, but he still gets lots of down time and honestly he's better behaved when he's had chance to burn energy

Swimming isn't particularly fun for him, but it's something I insist on as an important life skill..We don't have a big garden unfortunately so he's limited to what he can do in there, plus he's an only child, so thats another reason why we do a couple of activities.

If he wants to give up football though, I'll probably just see how beavers goes rather than try something else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catwoman8 · 03/02/2025 22:13

Ramblingaway · 03/02/2025 21:49

Age five is still young and if you push too much you risk really triggering his anxiety. On the other hand you don't want his world to shrink to school and nothing else. Activities after school when he's tired might not be the best option. Maybe find a swim class on the weekend if that's the priority? My daughter actually likes after school club (wrap around care) at school, it allows her to cement class friendships and have some free play time without too much pressure or structure.

Thanks , I've actually started to put him in after school club once a week recently. He has enjoyed going and has even asked to go more, it might help him develop some more friendships.

I don't want to push him at all, I've asked him several times if he wants to continue and he keeps saying yes, but his actions show otherwise. We left early again tonight due to "tummy ache" no surprises he was fine when we got home. He likes it, but maybe we should stick to a kick around at the park on a less structured basis. Roll on spring!

OP posts:
springbabydays · 03/02/2025 22:15

Parkour is good for expending energy and doesn't require interaction with others.

Original poster
Catwoman8 · 03/02/2025 22:17

Octavia64 · 03/02/2025 21:19

Drop the football.

Try something else. It's fairly normal at that age to want to try lots of different things (or to put it another way, to get bored with old activities easily).

Sell it to him as you want him to be active and it's fun to try lots of sports.

Yes i agree, its great to have opportunities to try new things and I want him to try different things and find something he loves. I guess we went down the obvious football route as lots of sports clubs don't start until they are a bit older. 6 seems to open up more options, but he's genuinely excited about Beavers so that might be enough with the swimming.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catwoman8 · 03/02/2025 22:21

Zoraflora · 03/02/2025 21:15

He is five he is still very young.

If he is shy he may find hard to join in especially if he doesn’t know any other kids there.

He is socialising in school every day and is probably comfortable doing this in familar surroundings.

He has many years ahead to keep developing his social skills, he will have birthday parties, playdates etc as well as others ways to help him build his confidence.

Thanks for some perspective, he's definitely more comfortable with familiar things. It's like the swimming , things were going great but as soon as he moved to the next level he didn't want to go.

We had to change instructor as the other one doesn't teach this level.

OP posts:
Original poster
Catwoman8 · 03/02/2025 22:23

springbabydays · 03/02/2025 22:15

Parkour is good for expending energy and doesn't require interaction with others.

Did you mean park run? They do a local one so yes we could give that a try!

OP posts:
springbabydays · 03/02/2025 22:25

No @Catwoman8 parkour! Look it up. Many classes for SEN kids too.

Park run is also awesome! 😁

Original poster
Catwoman8 · 03/02/2025 22:25

springbabydays · 03/02/2025 22:25

No @Catwoman8 parkour! Look it up. Many classes for SEN kids too.

Park run is also awesome! 😁

Ah sorry I've never heard of that. I'll have a look.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 03/02/2025 22:34

For a shy child, school plus one extra activity is enough. He can burn off energy with you in the park or family swimming or games in the garden or weekend walks etc.

Original poster
Catwoman8 · 03/02/2025 22:47

HeddaGarbled · 03/02/2025 22:34

For a shy child, school plus one extra activity is enough. He can burn off energy with you in the park or family swimming or games in the garden or weekend walks etc.

That's the message I'm hearing. I just thought activities would help build his confidence if we kept going, but if it's making things worse then we won't be pushing for him to do things.

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