Does anyone wish they hadn’t told their ex partner they were pregnant?

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I adopted a child with my then partner, the child who is a distant cousin of my previous partner had been in and out of foster care. Her father died and to give her a stable life my DP and I fostered and then adopted her.

I struggled to bond with her, as she was used to her dad and having a mum wasn’t something she was used to. My DP was amazing with her, and I was essentially just there to work and clean the house. We had a lot of different therapy and it was suggested that I find an activity that she wanted to do and just have that for her and I. This started to work and we started to bond. As soon as I was requested to read her a bed time story DP got upset and in the school holidays took her to the activity and added ice cream to essentially take over any fun parts of life. We struggled to conceive and he had a few issues and I think that is why he behaved like that.

Our relationship was terrible so I left. I saw DD a couple of times for a few hours, but I think she was bribed to stop seeing me at all.

We got back together because I wanted to be part of DDs life and he needed me to fund it. It was ok for a while but I really struggled and had to leave again. I tried to see DD but she refused. I was staying with a friend and sleeping on her couch so I could pay the mortgage on the house as DP only worked part time. I then realised I was four months pregnant. I was in shock so didn’t tell anyone. I knew I couldn’t live like I was with a child, so I moved back to my country of birth to be with my family (other side of the world).

The first few days of being home was a huge relief. But now my mind is full of contracting thoughts. I feel like I have abandoned my DD. But I know if I go back I will spend the next few years in court while he tries to take this child as well. I do plan to tell him about the baby I just want a bit of time before the shit storm with him starts. I initially planned to not tell him and just raise the child in my country of birth without him. I feel so conflicted as once I tell him I can’t untell him.

How old is your DD and how long has she been in your life? Are either of the countries you mention the UK?

All the time he bought nothing but drama and pain for my child which continues despite her being an adult (she is 24 living independent in another part of the country he makes ZERO effort to see her but it's my fault he doesn't see her) it upsets her to see me being abused online with zero way of defending myself

So team don't bother telling him especially if you think he is going to try to alienate you

She is 12 now. I have been part of her life since she was 8. She lives in the Uk.

I might get some negative comments but

Do not tell him

Your life is much better now, away from that controlling and selfish man

There's nothing you can do for your first dd now - you need to save yourself and this child ❤️

Edited- you haven't been part of her life for long girl - it seems to me that this man was using you and using the child to get to you.

Choose yourself and this child. The 12yo won't thank you for sacrificing yourself for her.

The bottom line is are you happy to permanently walk away from your DD, despite the commitment you made to her? That seems like a lot

I really want to be a part of DDs life, but I don’t think that is going to happen even if I do move back. But I would like to try.

Then don’t you need to tell him?

You haven't made that much of a commitment to this child, sorry

You met her at 8, she didn't like you, then when she was getting along with you, your ex came between you and now she's not interested

There's no love from her here sorry, you are just a woman her new dad was dating, who was paying the bills.

I'd be the first to yell 'what about the first kid' but that's not necessary here

Girl, i mean this with my whole heart, even though i don't know you

Take your baby and get the fuck away from your ex. You're in for a lifetime of suffering otherwise

Life isn't perfect. In an ideal world, yes you'd tell your ex and you'd coparent healthily - a loud minority will tell you that

But the right and sane thing to do here is to choose you and your baby, and raise them in a different country, far away from your controlling ex.

If you tell him, there's every single chance he will turn the kid against you too.

Keep your baby to yourself and enjoy your life OP. This situation isn't like a mother abandoning her child, more like a stepmum moving on. She is his blood relative and you weren't allowed to bond with her so what is there to salvage?

Also, having raised DCs away from family and now living close to family, having that support network makes being a mum so much easier. If you tell him he may try to charm you back to the UK before turning into his own shitty self again when you are stuck. Stay with your family.

Your ex is the father of the baby you’re pregnant with? Of course he needs to know. Your baby has a right to a relationship with its father, the fact that your relationship didn’t work out doesn’t negate that.

Your adopted DD is old enough to decide that she doesn’t want a relationship with you, and if you don’t wish to push that then that’s up to you (presumably though, as her legal parent, you need to be in touch over things like child maintenance and as your income and family set up may become relevant for things like university funding in the future) - but that’s an entirely separate matter to your own baby’s right to both parents.

If I were to tell him it would only be after birth & registration.

What country are you in and what are the laws like regarding parenting?

@Snoopdoggydog123 Yes I definitely won’t tell him until the child is born and at least a few months old. I’m in Australia, I know if he moved here he could have access. I don’t know how international access works. He won’t be on the birth certificate.

@ComtesseDeSpair Yes he is the father. I am going to relinquish my legal right over DD. I don’t want my ex to have to get my permission for passports etc.
I don’t know how international maintenance works. I was supporting them both until I left and I am not and won’t be working for a while.

@IkeaMeatballGravy
I will definitely need to need to stay close to family. At least for now. And will give birth here. I don’t want to get stuck in the Uk.

You won't be able to relinquish your rights if they are in the UK.
It would be on him to obtain a CAO.

Unless adopted the child will legally be yours.

He could apply for maintiance through a REMO process.

Has he been in contact with you at all?

Thanks for the info. I think he does want me to do something that means I’m still legally the parent but he can make legal decisions without me.
He hasn’t been in touch but I’m sure he will when the next mortgage payment is due.
I was going to sign the house over, if he wants maintenance I will force the sale and put that money aside for DDS payments. Aussie dollars to pounds is always going to be terrible.

Id go for the force the sale option and dont tell him anything. Sounds like parental alienation what he did to you, deliberately sabotaging your relationship.

@DorothyStorm It was deliberate alienation. He wasn’t like that before he found out he had fertility issues. He might calm down knowing he can have kids. I just can’t trust him. Once I can afford good legal advice and understand international access it will be easier.

I'm assuming you weren't married?
Of so I would message him making him aware he has the option of either taking over the mortgage payments or the house will be sold.