Help for young victims of emotional abuse?

[TraumaQuestions]

Hi, wondering if anyone has any advice. My sister has been until recently in an extremely abusive relationship for 25 years. Her husband berated her and called her names and manipulated her and decieved her and yelled at her and threatened her (not physical threats but threats that she'll be poor without him and won't cope without him) non-stop for all that time. Unfortunately they have three kids who have spent their whole lives growing up in this environment and have as well as witnessing the degradation and abuse of their mother (and her shouting back at him and calling him names) have also been subjected to emotional abuse from their dad. He will yell at them that they're fucking useless or that they're ugly or that they're common or fat. He will tell them that he's going to kill himself and it will be their fault. Imagine growing up with that.

The children are now 11, 14 and 17. Middle is a boy, others girls. The dad finally fucked off from the marital home in July but continues to berate and manipulate my sister through financial control and through the kids. He holds approval in front of the kids one minute then tells them they're fucking useless like their mother the next. A divorce is in progress and my sister has made contact with domestic abuse charities in the past.

So that's the sad background. The current situation is that the kids (I think because they're starting to feel safe for the first time in their lives now that their dad is not in the home) are acting in very damaging ways. They have become extremely physical with each other in terms of fighting. The oldest hits my sister and yells the same things at her that her dad always did. The middle one goes missing and drinks alcohol. Clearly there is a huge amount of trauma and anger that these kids rightly feel. My question is - are there any services specifically for young victims of emotional abuse? What can I do to help them? Would family therapy with their mum be a good idea?

The family lives in West Wales if that makes a difference. Thanks.

I think the summary of what I'm asking is - can children who've spent all their lives in an environment of verbal abuse and anger and unpredictable rage be helped to achieve healthy emotions? And to heal?

Because it's mumsnet and someone will probably find a way to blame me - I have been advocating for these children all their lives, trying to persuade my sister to leave him, calling SS, calling NSPCC, calling their schools. I have not been silent or still while this abuse was going on.

A good therapist will help, approaching their GP or place of education would be a good place to start. The long term implications may be they end up in poor quality relationships and/or potential to turn into the same as their parents without it.

I have no specific advice for you, but just wanted to say I grew up in a similar household ,and I am sorry for what your sister and her children have gone through with this vile man. These kind of home dynamics will inevitable mess people up. But I would say, now that they are away from him I would encourage, if it was possible, to start some kind of counselling - family or individual. The kids are now dealing with the fallout, in their different ways, so maybe starting counselling would be a start in shifting their perspective, and in helping them to recognise their emotions and feelings, and start dealing with and processing, all the negative stuff, in a safe and controlled environment.

You sound like a great and loving aunt, who’s been there for them throughout this awful time. I am sure it will not go unappreciated.

Start off here with Veritas

veritas-justice.co.uk

And here

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

And here

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/ive-left-and-i-need-support/

It's always so frustrating when they stay and subject their children to such abuse

I get its hard to leave etc but there's so much more help and understanding about domestic abuse these days that something can done other than staying

You must be so frustrated with the situation

You yourself have been affected by this so you could also benefit from some counselling

It seems like you just have a really shit social services in your area which is sad that they failed your sister and especially the kids

Make sure your sister is getting all right benefits and childcare she's entitled to do she doesn't have to rely or have any contact with him

She needs to cut off contact

She sounds really damaged and emotionally tied to this man

And he knows this so he is having a lot of 'fun' by still being able to manipulate her and the DC

It's very frustrating that she allows because she can't let go and focus on living a normal life without him

She needs to understand that this man does not love her

Has never loved her or the DC

He just likes to toy and manipulate and destroy people

It's all a big fun game for him

Thanks for the responses. I have no idea how to persuade my sister to cut him off. She's terrified of him but has made excuses for him for 25 years. That's a hard dynamic to move past.

I love my sister and I'm scared for her and I want to help her - but actually in lots of ways I can't (God knows I've tried and I'm trying) so my priority is her children. They're the ones who have had no power over this situation all their lives and are now acting out their deep unhappiness. My oldest niece is physically violent to her siblings and mother. My nephew is self-destructive. The little one seems to get bullied by everybody. It's them I'm wanting help for.

I will contact their schools again. I will suggest therapy for them to my sister. I was kind of hoping there were resources out there specifically for kids in their situation but I've probably been making a mistake trying to distinguish between emotional abuse and broader domestic abuse. I will look at the DA organisations resources. Thanks all.

What a horrible mess.