FIL just died

[Samandytimlucypeterolivia]

So FIL has just died in his sleep, DP is at his house alone (300 miles away) and I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Basically FIL has been on palliative care the last 2 weeks, he had heart failure and skin cancer which have been causing him severe pain the last few months. Last august he had what I think was his 5th heart attack, he’s already had 3 heart surgery’s over the last 25 years. Anyway we were prepared, as prepared as we can be, the kids knew he was very poorly but they didn’t know he was dying. FIL wishes were that they don’t see him because he didn’t want them to see him like that and have good memories of him. Dd12 was supposed to be coming to his house in feb half term to sort out some stuff around the house ( before we found out he was actually dying) and hasn’t seen him since last may, ds17 last saw him in October. I told dd that she probably wasn’t going to be able to come with us yesterday so she was a bit upset. She did talk to him on the phone the other day. I want to be with DP but I need to tell the kids and be with them, they were both fairly close with him, as opposed to my dad whom they don’t really have a relationship with. Dd is very sensitive, and DS too but he’s also autistic. They both still asleep. We can’t go to DP as there will be people coming and going and ds especially doesn’t do well with strangers. I’m sat here feeling unhelpful, upset myself because i got on very well with FIL, I know I need to be here for dc, me and DP knew it was coming for them it’s just happened.
just needed an outlet as everyone in house is still asleep.

Sorry to hear about your FIL

Will the people coming and going at FIL house be able to comfort your husband?

So sorry for this situation.

Sadly you can't be in two places at once and you need to prioritise your kids. Your DP is an adult and will need to muddke through without you being there because your kids need you there.

Who can you call on to help support DP? Thinking who was/will be Best Man at your wedding - in life's one-off emergencies like this it is ok to ask people to drop everything and help if you would do the same for them. There are literally dozens of people in my life who I would have no hesitation in taking emergency leave and going to help them if they needed it but a crisis like this happens so rarely that such extraordinary efforts are hardly ever needed.

Sorry to hear of your bereavement op.
That's a complicated mix of wishes and needs and logistical complications you're trying to balance there.
I wish you strength and love as you break the news and begin to guide your children through this loss.

It's not an immediate help, and not sure what the ages of your children are, but there are some good books on loss and grief that can help children understand and process their grief, which may be helpful further down the line.

But for now, there's today and it's got a lot of emotional challenges in store. Deep breath, chin up, your children's are lucky to have your support and you'll get through, one hour at a time.

Sorry for your loss OP. You're in an incredibly difficult situation wanting to support everyone whilst also grieving for yourself. Can you book into a hotel/airbnb near DP? That way you could all be together but your DS will also have somewhere he can go when DPs house gets too busy.

FIL neighbours are very nice and helpful. The are taking DP to his aunts house (FIL sister) (too emotional to drive understandably) I feel sorry for his aunt she’s lost her husband back in October and thier other sister as well was in the last year. He’s called his brothers, neither of which he is close too, neither of which really bothered with FIL until recently. The hard part is having to wait now for the drs etc to come out, DP was told can take up to 6 hours. I’ve just spoken to DP who told me DS knew more than I thought. I don’t know wether to tell them separately or together because dd is up already but DS doesn’t usually get up until late on a Sunday.

Do you have anyone who can support you with the kids? That’s a lot of emotion for one person to try and carry.

I did think about this, but the logistics are too difficult. I don’t drive, DP is the driver, we’d have to get the train when DS head isn’t in the right headspace. The nearest hotel is a 10 min drive so DP would need to cart us back and forth which personally I don’t think he has the mental capacity for as dealing with everything right now. He said he’d rather they stay somewhere comfortable to them rather than take ds out of his comfort zone whilst he’s in a vulnerable state.

Sorry for your loss OP. My father died in January. I was surprised at how mature my teens were (14 and 16).

My husband told them as I had gone to be with my parents. I think he just tried to be matter of fact, but gentle with them. I felt it was important to keep them in their normal routine, with school etc. I think they benefited from that and I emailed their teachers in case they were fragile.

DS did say that it was something which a lot of his friends are having happen, and of course it is, but it hadn’t really occurred to me that they’ll have already been there for their own friends going through this.

We also did distracting things like a jigsaw and the traitors. Stuff that takes your mind off everything.

Sending you lots of strength for the days ahead.

My mum is here with us, as she lives here too but I don’t want to tell them and then disappear off 300 miles away.

DS isn’t at college now until Tuesday anyway. Will message his course leader and might get them to let him home early as the tutor session in the afternoon is not really important, he complains about it every week, but he’s doing fantastically in his course, I’d hate for this to slow him down. Dd is at school tomorrow, her best friends Nan died back in October so they will support each other.

I'd tell them together personally, you don't want someone to come in half way through or be the last to know.

If you do go, it might be helpful to the kids to have a job to do, especially if there are a lot of people. You said DD was going to do some. Help in the house, there are probably some things she could still do, or it could be their job to keep the tea and biscuits flowing (this does mean some social interaction, but it should be fairly structured & an easy escape route back to the kitchen). Nothing worse than feeling like a looose end & having to chat. Feeling helpful in a crisis can also help people process things