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Original poster

Early pregnancy. Partner turned his back on me and the baby!

22 replies

PoisedHedgehog · 01/02/2025 19:57

Hi,
I am new on this, but really needed a platform to actually be able to talk about things on!

I am pregnant with my fourth pregnancy (Almost 5 weeks). I was in a relationship with the father for around a year and half. It sounds corny, but he really was the love of my life. I have never felt like this about someone before, and I really wanted every second of my future with him, which is why this hurts all the more.

I found out I was pregnant last week. At this point he had already told me he no longer wanted to be in a relationship with me (and informed me that he had led me on for a bit, complete with a laugh)! So prior to discovering I was pregnant, I knew that the relationship breaking up was the best thing as he has had me feeling just vile in every sense for a while... Even though it hurt, as I did idolise him. It is crazy as when we were good, we were the.most amazing couple you could meet.... Anyway.

I discovered I was pregnant and text him to call me urgently as we had something to discuss. He called and I informed him of the news to which he responded, well what are you telling me for?! Then hung up. I have tried to contact him multiple ways, by text, phone call, email even Facebook and had no luck. I have messaged daily asking him to at least acknowledge the pregnancy, how are we going to work things... informed him of appointments (I booked an early private scan and my booking in apt is the start of march). I have heard nothing back besides one text message which read:

Dude I'm out with friend having fun.
With people who like me, kinda need that right now.

As I said the other day leave me alone please

😊

And that is all I have heard from him! I am at a loss on what to do... Do I keep him informed of appointments, scans, just general updates on the pregnancy or do I have to just accept the fact he wants nothing to do with our baby? I'm so heartbroken over the fact my child could potentially grow up without a father. He has 2 other children and he is a brilliant dad, but how can someone possibly pick and choose who they are a father to?

I don't know what to do. I feel strong enough that if I have to do this alone. That I can! Luckily I have a FANTASTIC family support network too... I just want my baby to have its dad in its life... but surely I shouldn't have to beg for this?

I feel so excited and don't want this excitement to be ripped away from me by him... Then I don't want to face any drama if the baby is born and he suddenly crops up down the line wanting to play dad of the year.

Has anyone been in this position, or can offer any advice? I am so up and down with it all at the moment.

Thanks for reading and I hope everyone is healthy and happy.

Much love,
Jemma.

OP posts:
VN15 · 01/02/2025 20:06

This is such a horrible thing to go through especially now you've found out you're expecting. He sounds like a waste of time, he made you believe he was the love of your life and then told you he led you on Confused what an ass! You're better off without him. It doesn't sound like he wants anything to do with you or your baby. You've done the right thing and told him. It's his loss!

rainythursdayontheavenue · 01/02/2025 20:08

Don't do it hoping for a change of mind. He sounds utterly vile, and as far from a brilliant Dad as it gets. Take off any rose tinted glasses and see your future for what it is and not what you want it be if that makes sense. You're very brave even contemplating this. Are you other children going to be OK about it, can you and they cope if you end up with ill health/in hospital for a length of time?

I'd focus on being the best parent to the kids you already have in honesty.

cestlavielife · 01/02/2025 20:12

Is this going to be your fourth child?
Do you need another when you have three to focus on?

You have choices

If you continue it will be alone
can you afford it?
Ifso cut him off tell.him nothing until after child is born then file for maintenance

After 18 months you barely know him really

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

1st trimester Families General pregnancy Relationship problems
CallMeFlo · 01/02/2025 20:17

Stop messaging him. He's made his feelings clear

Concentrate on yourself and your pregnancy.

He can find out about the babys arrival when the CMS contact him

Speedweed · 01/02/2025 20:23

He's made his feelings clear. If you're having this baby, you'll be doing it alone.

Your baby is not going to have a dad in the traditional sense, as the father doesn't want to be with you. Whether he decides at some point to have a relationship with his child is a separate issue, out of your control.

There's no point begging him, he sounds very clear in his feelings. You can get excited, but before you go ahead with the pregnancy, consider first of all the needs of your other children, and whether you will still be able to meet them fully, and also examine your feelings to check that you're not hoping to have the baby and use it to force him to come back to you or stay involved in your life, because he's been very clear that's not what he wants, and it sounds as if you'll be bitterly disappointed if that is the case.

If you go ahead, no need to update him as he doesn't care, so let the CMS contact him when his baby arrives.

Nonaynevernomore · 01/02/2025 20:29

He’s a waste of space, you’re going to have to go it alone if you continue the pregnancy.

ERthree · 01/02/2025 20:37

He doesn't want to be with you. He doesn't want a baby. You will be raising this child on your own. Do you really want to be doing this in 16 years time?

Jk987 · 01/02/2025 20:50

He's not a good Dad if he walked out on his other two children and probably only has them the odd day and hardly pays any maintenance?

Do you have 3 other children already?

SneakyLilNameChange · 01/02/2025 20:58

You need to forget him he’s made his feelings clear (he’s a dick but that’s an aside).
You have three children already. Do you want another child? Being a single mother of four will be really hard. You have options.

Ottersmith · 01/02/2025 21:15

Well the baby doesn't have a Father and you need to accept that. No don't tell him about scans. Don't contact him again, don't put his name on the birth certificate and for God's sake give the baby your surname. Go to CMS after he is born if you have to, but don't speak to this man child again. He is not interested and trying to get him to participate is just going to make it harder. He is a dickhead. You are a single Mother.

Notaflippinclue · 02/02/2025 10:06

For goodness sake you have 3 children!

mmk643 · 02/02/2025 10:32

I'll try and give some advice OP, as u had a similar thing happen to me and it was horrible. We had what felt like a "dream" relationship but he just upped and left one day and I found out shortly after that I was pregnant.

  1. Stop with the texting him- he could report you to the police for harassment because he's told you numerous times now to leave him alone. If you continue, it won't matter that you are pregnant with his child, harassment is harassment and that's what you are currently doing. Sorry.
  1. He is probably totally cutting you off and being a tw*t because he will be hoping by doing this and "showing" you that you are totally on your own that you will reconsider ending the pregnancy. Mine personally did this. I wasn't harassing him we were actually in mutual communication and he was begging me to end the pregnancy, when I declined he blocked me for a good period then would pop up now and again to ask if I was "still" pregnant. He hoped by giving me the pain of his lack of care/involvement and blocking me that I would decide to end the pregnancy. I didn't and he had another tantrum trying to force me to end it just before the cut off (24 weeks).
  1. You know now by his behaviour that he doesn't truly care about you and there are minimal chances of him being a good father, even if he decides to be involved at some point the resentment of how he has treated you now while you are most vulnerable will always be there. Decide if having another baby alone is what you truly want and just discount him from the scenario. I personally found it very empowering in the end and I have a very special bond with my child.
  1. Don't keep inviting him to scans or keep him updated on the pregnancy. He already knows, you've already told him and he's been given the opportunity. Just leave him now, and get on with it. As above, he's told you he doesn't want to know so if you keep sending him updates etc when he's said he doesn't want to hear from you he could report you for harassment regardless of the circumstance.
  1. He can find out when the baby is here via the CMS (which you 100% should apply for, don't rely on him to do the right thing given his already shoddy behaviour). Don't invite him to put his name on the birth certificate. Give the baby your name.
  1. Keep your head down and don't fall into the trap of appearing to be the "bitter ex/baby mumma" and be spouting off on social media or to friends about what he's done. Because that's what he will want so he can justify why he's not involved.

Good luck with your pregnancy if you choose to go ahead OP.

Original poster
PoisedHedgehog · 02/02/2025 10:36

Yes, I do have 3 children... two are ages 17 and 15 and my third is an angel.

This baby was planned... Thats the thing I don't understand. I have known my now ex for a number of years, but only been in a relationship for 18 months. We decided we would love a child together and to try before we were 'too old' if you like.

Financially and mentally, I am comfortable to do this on my own if that is what I have to do. I am not expecting a perfect nuclear family unit, and for us to sort out our relationship... All I wanted was for him to acknowledge the child he helped to create, and be the best dad he can be to it. I don't understand, why plan a child if you have no intentions of being there to raise it?!

I've told him of appointments coming up and the location and times, it will be great if he shows up for our child, but if not I will just not send anymore updates and contact CMS once baby is with us.

Thanks for some of your responses. ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
PoisedHedgehog · 02/02/2025 10:38

mmk643 · 02/02/2025 10:32

I'll try and give some advice OP, as u had a similar thing happen to me and it was horrible. We had what felt like a "dream" relationship but he just upped and left one day and I found out shortly after that I was pregnant.

  1. Stop with the texting him- he could report you to the police for harassment because he's told you numerous times now to leave him alone. If you continue, it won't matter that you are pregnant with his child, harassment is harassment and that's what you are currently doing. Sorry.
  1. He is probably totally cutting you off and being a tw*t because he will be hoping by doing this and "showing" you that you are totally on your own that you will reconsider ending the pregnancy. Mine personally did this. I wasn't harassing him we were actually in mutual communication and he was begging me to end the pregnancy, when I declined he blocked me for a good period then would pop up now and again to ask if I was "still" pregnant. He hoped by giving me the pain of his lack of care/involvement and blocking me that I would decide to end the pregnancy. I didn't and he had another tantrum trying to force me to end it just before the cut off (24 weeks).
  1. You know now by his behaviour that he doesn't truly care about you and there are minimal chances of him being a good father, even if he decides to be involved at some point the resentment of how he has treated you now while you are most vulnerable will always be there. Decide if having another baby alone is what you truly want and just discount him from the scenario. I personally found it very empowering in the end and I have a very special bond with my child.
  1. Don't keep inviting him to scans or keep him updated on the pregnancy. He already knows, you've already told him and he's been given the opportunity. Just leave him now, and get on with it. As above, he's told you he doesn't want to know so if you keep sending him updates etc when he's said he doesn't want to hear from you he could report you for harassment regardless of the circumstance.
  1. He can find out when the baby is here via the CMS (which you 100% should apply for, don't rely on him to do the right thing given his already shoddy behaviour). Don't invite him to put his name on the birth certificate. Give the baby your name.
  1. Keep your head down and don't fall into the trap of appearing to be the "bitter ex/baby mumma" and be spouting off on social media or to friends about what he's done. Because that's what he will want so he can justify why he's not involved.

Good luck with your pregnancy if you choose to go ahead OP.

Thank you for this. I am definitely continuing with my pregnancy and I appreciate your response ❤️

OP posts:
mmk643 · 02/02/2025 10:51

The best thing you can do OP is hold your head high, but keep your head down and get on with things. I remember the pain of just wanting mine to "acknowledge" the baby too.
I promise you that in the end though, people will see him for what he is, as long as you're not acting "crazy" and giving him reason to justify his behaviour and any narrative he's giving people.
Just concentrate on being a good mum to your baby, truth always comes out in the end.
Your baby will have your love and that's worth a lot.

FWIW mine did come back and want to try and be a Dad and make things work towards the end of the pregnancy and early days. He wondered why he was giving the cold shoulder after his horrible behaviour towards me and our child! The mind boggles with this men but anyway, just be prepared for that. You might feel like now that could be the dream if he comes back and wants to be together but trust me it isn't- he's shown you who he really is so believe him.

IVFmumoftwo · 02/02/2025 10:52

Being honest? I would be having an abortion so you aren't tied to him.

Glorybox2025 · 02/02/2025 10:53

Fucking hell he planned a pregnancy with you and then behaves like this? Some men are indescribably awful. Stop contacting him, are you sure you want to continue with this pregnancy? There's no shame in not. It's a hard road you're on now.

Original poster
PoisedHedgehog · 02/02/2025 11:11

Honestly, I have thought so much about options and what to do... For me the pregnancy was planned and already a much loved baby. I am financially stable and I do have a great support network with my family, if ever I do need to lean on them. This is something I am 100% positive with going ahead with. In reality I'm not on my own. As I said I have a great family and they're fully on board with me, which I truly cherish!

The main thing I was worried about is if he crops up down the line. Even years down the line. I do hate the idea of being tied to him, but at the same time, I do want my child to have it's father a part of its life... Although it seems at the moment its probably for the best that he is not.

Just a really tough few weeks for me, and throw in hormones it really hasn't been good. 🤣😭

OP posts:
DoloresODonovan · 02/02/2025 14:29

how do your children of 17 and 15 feel about this baby cuckoo OP? have you even asked them? do you even care, i. your determination to have this baby with ‘family support’ this isn’t a new toy, this isn’t a Lego baby, and your ex is not the only irresponsible component in this selfish ill conceived irrational situation, if this is real
of course, you sound giddy and not like a responsible adult At All.

Spurber · 02/02/2025 14:36

This baby was planned... omg! And then he dumped you when it worked out?! How fucking cruel.

I'd just accept you're on your own

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 02/02/2025 14:53

How convenient that you found yourself pregnant just as he ended the relationship.

I suspect that the baby wasn’t so much planned in terms of that you were ttc but that you’d likely discussed having a baby at some point, and then he decided he didn’t want to be in the relationship any more.

He’s made it clear that he doesn’t want to be with you. From his perspective you’re trying to trap him with a baby he doesn’t want.

By all means go to CMS after the baby is born (although personally I would be having a termination), but he’s made his position clear.

JingsMahBucket · 02/02/2025 15:52

Just have an abortion and move on with your life. And see a therapist to digest it all. You have two older teenagers already.

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