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Original poster

Aging parents and it's on me

22 replies

poorbuthappy1 · 01/02/2025 07:40

Name change for this as its outing

I have two parents who are nearing 70. Both have disabilities and are separated.

Both had good jobs when I was young but a crash 30 years ago ended that. They both ended up disabled (loss of limbs and such) and lost jobs, the house was repossessed etc..they did end up with a payout each but debts ate the majority and nothing is left. They both went onto find other jobs and never relied on any benefits

The only issue is now the impact of their health is catching up on them dramatically. Mum is practically housebound. She is on the higher rate of pip and struggles with most tasks, she can't even put her shoe on, needs help with showering as she has awful arthritis in the spine and muscle wastage in her remaining leg

Dad is pretty similar but not as bad as my mum. He has also recently had a stroke.

Here's my question. I'm just about to go back to work after maternity leave but I have been asked to be a carer for my mum. Is it possible to work one day a week to keep my job open and still be a carer for my mum? Would I be entitled to carers allowance? My wage is only £100 per day. Would I get universal credit and would they help with my rent?

I don't know how any of this works. Is it carers allowance or attendance allowance I claim?

Thank you for reading

OP posts:
Happyhippos123 · 01/02/2025 07:51

I'm not in the UK so can't advise on benefits, but I was in a slightly similar position to you a few years ago, juggling elderly parents with significant health problems, a job and a child as a single parent.

I think you may be trying to take on too much. You need to look into all possible supports for your parents, whether delivered by social services or by charities, as you are not going to be able to manage.

You will have 3 family members with high needs depending on you, all living in seperate households - your mum, dad and baby. You can't be in three places at once, and your baby has to be your prioty.

VanilleFraise · 01/02/2025 09:32

Lots of good advice and seasoned posters here:-www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents

Original poster
poorbuthappy1 · 01/02/2025 09:36

@VanilleFraise thank you so much, I didn't know know board existed

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Benefits
notwavingbutsinking · 01/02/2025 09:38

I'm really sorry you're in this situation OP, it sounds very hard for everyone involved. I don't have specific experience or advice to share, but the thing that jumps out to me is that if they are only in their late 60s, this is a situation that may continue for decades - the whole of your DC's childhood. I think you need to think very very carefully about what you can commit to long term and you absolutely must prioritise your own long term earning capacity both for your child's security and your own.

VanilleFraise · 01/02/2025 09:39

poorbuthappy1 · 01/02/2025 09:36

@VanilleFraise thank you so much, I didn't know know board existed

You're welcome....

cheezncrackers · 01/02/2025 09:42

If your DPs are only in their late 60s OP this could go on for decades. Are you up for that? You say you're just thinking about returning to work following maternity leave, so you have a baby and a job. I would honestly look into what support your disabled DPs can access from SS. If they are already in receipt of PIP then these services should be available. I would commit to nothing until you know exactly what they are entitled to and can get SS support with. Do you actually WANT to become a carer at this stage of your life? If the answer is 'No' (and no one will blame or judge you for that, if so), then please seriously look into the alternatives. If they didn't have you, then they'd have to rely on those services anyway and you have a lot of your own life left in which you need to build up things like NI and pension contributions so you aren't looking an old age of poverty yourself. In other words, don't martyr yourself to your DPs' care. You are their DD and can help and support them in many ways without having to be the one to wash and dress them for the next 25 years.

RentalWoesNotFun · 01/02/2025 10:07

We got citizens advice out to assess mums benefits and get her help. She now has carers twice a day and remains independent.

They told me that if I got carers allowance she'd get less in attendance allowance (I think that's the name) so I don't claim that. She now has more money than she has ever had. I still do stuff but I don't need to go daily.

Flossflower · 01/02/2025 10:07

OP, I really really think you should put yourself first in this situation. I have no idea about benefits but hopefully someone else on here will. However, you should not give up work to look after your mother. You will miss out on many things, including a pension. Your mother might live for a a long time and you could become isolated. Your mother is younger than me. The absolute last thing I would want for my children is to waste their lives looking after me. Fortunately I know they would not.
You could ask Mumsnet to move your post to the elderly parents section. You will get more help and support there.

Hadalifeonce · 01/02/2025 10:15

Do not do this. You will have to do more and more as time goes on. You will eventually find your whole life revolves around the needs of your parents.
Get social services to do an assessment of their needs, then professional carers can see to their needs.

user8432176409 · 01/02/2025 10:20

Do not start being a carer unless you are prepared for this to be your life for the next decade? Two decades?
It’s enough work managing carers let alone being the sole carer yourself.
I cared for both my parents, but there was a defined end date with their illnesses, I could not have coped if it was an ongoing for potentially many years situation.
Put yourself and your children first, they will only get one childhood.

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/02/2025 10:21

Who has asked you to be your mums carer? Is it something she has asked or are social services/other professionals asking? It’s really worth thinking about whether you could give your mum what will be an increasing level of care in coming years while also raising your child. She needs to be assessed for care by the local authority so that anything you offer is over and above .

Carers allowance and universal credit really isn’t a lot of money.

Augustus40 · 01/02/2025 10:22

In what way is this outing? It could be many people in the UK population.

Summerhillsquare · 01/02/2025 10:22

There is a benefit calculator, Entitled 2, that you can put different scenarios into.

Do you have any support yourself, partner, childminder etc?

Miley1967 · 01/02/2025 10:23

Currently to claim carers allowance your earnings need to be less than £151 a week. This threshold is going up in April. To claim carers allowance you need to be caring for your mum for 35 hours a week .
You also need to bear in mind that you claiming carers allowance could affect your mum's benefits. If she claims Pension credit and lives alone she may be getting a severe disability premium on her Pension credit claim and would lose this if you claimed carers allowance. If she's not claiming any means tested benefits then it won't be a problem.

ohtowinthelottery · 01/02/2025 10:23

I agree with @Hadalifeonce .
Get Social Services to assess your parents. Do not take on the care yourself. You have a child to think of.
By all means visit and do things that offspring off non disabled parents might do but do not give any commitment to your parents or Social Care.
I remember the phrase in my DMs assessment was "family are supportive but unable to provide care".
We still went over at weekends, did the garden and a few jobs around the house and then took DM out somewhere. This was the only time she actually got out of the house. But showering, helping to get dressed etc was down to paid carers.

Anothershittydayinparadise · 01/02/2025 10:28

My advise is to not go down this road, especially if you have a baby and/or young children.

I care for my mum and it has taken over my life. I live on CA which is hard going as it is only £81 pw.

Would your mum be able to hire a PA to help her?

Original poster
poorbuthappy1 · 01/02/2025 11:28

I'm one of four siblings. My sister has a child with SEN so cannot help much and my brothers both have fantastic careers and travel the world a lot so it kind of all falls on me

I've read the replies and I have a lot to think about

OP posts:
Original poster
poorbuthappy1 · 01/02/2025 11:29

@Augustus40 my sister is also on here and I don't want her reading my previous threads

OP posts:
DeepFatFried · 01/02/2025 11:56

OP I am so sorry that this happened to your parents and that their is so much pressure on you.

WHO has asked you to be a carer for your Mum?

My advice is do not.

You have a baby, you have two parents in need. You have your own job, financial welfare and mental and emotional health to consider. It is not fair to your child to take this on.

I guess you could scrimp and save and manage in bare minimum of some combination of wage , UC / carers. But your own pension prospects will be trashed, your future promotion and salary increases will be trashed and you will be run ragged.

Have Adult Services done a review? Be v clear that you cannot do a thing on a regular basis.

It is much better to support your Mum for social , family and ‘friendly’ visits.

Good luck!

Original poster
poorbuthappy1 · 01/02/2025 12:02

@DeepFatFried my mum has asked me and my dad has hinted. My dad is more than likely going to end up with at home care, we are waiting for a diagnosis of dementia

My mums needs are pretty challenging but she's not at the stage where social services need to be called, or at least that's what she says. She's a retired nurse and was also a carer up until she was signed off through all of her illness. She also has crumbling of the spine the poor sod

OP posts:
DeepFatFried · 01/02/2025 12:06

It doesn’t all need to fall on you.

Your brothers could chip in for a cleaner / gardener / food delivery….

DeepFatFried · 01/02/2025 12:27

poorbuthappy1 · 01/02/2025 12:02

@DeepFatFried my mum has asked me and my dad has hinted. My dad is more than likely going to end up with at home care, we are waiting for a diagnosis of dementia

My mums needs are pretty challenging but she's not at the stage where social services need to be called, or at least that's what she says. She's a retired nurse and was also a carer up until she was signed off through all of her illness. She also has crumbling of the spine the poor sod

Sounds very difficult for her.

The point of an Adult Services Assessment is to determine what help she needs and how it can be provided. E.g they can send for an Occupational Therapist and make adjustments that help enable her. Or agree carer visits.

Frankly, if she needs you as a carer, she needs a carer. That’s what Adult Services assess and can provide.

Also , they ALL resist having an outside carer. But my parents really came to appreciate theirs.

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