"Lending" sister money

[ImYourWifeNow]

I struggle with this.

My sister frequently asks me to "borrow" money, which she pays back about 50% of the time (max). I'm not massively well off, but have a career/salary (part time senior school teacher type salary) husband who also earns (more junior teacher). DSis is a single mum and works in a zero-hours-contract type job.

At the moment, she owes me several hundred pounds from Christmas. I just don't mention it (I never do). I only "lend" her money which won't absolutely break us (so I can still pay the bills/get stuff for the kids). But I wonder whether I should actually bring it up/ask her, so she can't stick her head in the sand (I think she kids herself that she pays me back, and deliberately forgets the many times she doesn't). But she probably won't have the money to give me, and it will just make her feel shit about herself.

I feel like I should share willingly with her - she's in a much tougher position than I am, because I've been lucky (and worked hard - but the ability to work hard is also luck, right?). But when I realise she's highlighted her hair, or her kids have iPhones (mine don't), I feel resentful.

I'm not even sure what my question is. Do other people "share" with their siblings willingly in this type of situation?

I wouldn’t lend her money, you give her agency to ask again and she doesn’t pay you back all the time. The only thing I would do is ask them over for dinner and feed them.

DH sister is far harder up than we are, no children involved which does make it easier. I have said I completely disagree with money being given to her and he has not. She does a great job in relaying how hard up she is at times and lays guilt and worry on MIL that she has not married, she has money from MIL.

Just say I’m not lending any more money and do not say sorry just state it as a fact.

There is one sibling share expectation, the most senior/ oldest in a group wil pay for dinner in my culture. It’s seen as an honour to pay, so it means my older brothers or is if I was with my sister in law who is older she would pay. When with my nieces I always pay. Some people on the same generational level will argue on who will pay as they all want to.

I think it’s really hard when it’s family. I would happily give my sister money if she needed it to feed her children, keep a roof over their heads, bills paid, unexpected bills etc, without question and wouldn’t expect it back if I knew she couldn’t afford it.

But sending her money which is spent on iPhones and hair appointments is different.

Write off what you've lent her up to now but don't lend (give) her anymore. Have a response prepared that starts with 'Sorry I can't do that' to make it clear. Personally I would say your budget is tight and you have things you need to get for your kids - she might still ask but it takes more front to effectively say 'don't spend on your kids, let me have it instead'

Does your husband agree with supporting your sister financially like this? It’s family money you’re giving her.

She is not your responsibility. Stop giving her money. Bank of sister is now closed.

I genuinely don't understand posts like this. The obvious answer is to talk to her. Say she still owes you hundreds of pounds and you can't afford to keep subbing her so that she and her family can have things you can't afford yourselves, like highlights and i-phones. Tell her that you don;t feel comfortable funding this lifestyle when you are so much more frugal and you hope she respects your past generosity enough to actually pay back what she owes at some point.

IME when you lend money to family or close friends, they really resent you for it. They think you have an endless supply and are controlling them. they feel guilty every time they see you and veer between feeling angry that you incite this guilt, or trying to be ingratiating because they fancy tapping you for more.

I have family members who are always asking for money - their homes are in tatters but they spend it all on spontaneous travel and recreational drugs or gambling. They think I'm some spoiled rich cow. I earn less than them. I just spend wisely as does DH.

You really need a conversation with her but not at the point when she's asking for money. When she turns up with her highlighted hair then you need to say hang on a minute, you owe me hundreds of pounds so how could you afford that? It's exactly the same with the iPhones. It's so obvious when you see her with something expensive that you can bring up her debt. You need to say to her oh by the way I won't be able to give you any more money. You will need to work things out for yourself in future.

@ImYourWifeNow does your dh know you are giving her money??

She's taking the piss out of you and you are allowing it. Giving money to her (which it is as you rarely get paid back) is taking money from your own family.
I would be absolutely furious at the hair treatments and iPhones.
I never lend money to anyone whether they're family or not. Just say no and if she asks why, say you are still waiting for her other loans to be paid back.
Would you not rather save that money and treat your own kids OP??

Has she kept a tally of what she actually owes you?
Tell her she doesn't have to pay you back the <insert amount> that she owes you. But you can no longer loan her money.

Tell her you can't afford to keep giving her money. You work part time, neither you nor your husband are high earners, and you don't have money to give away.

I'd not lend her money as its teaching her poor financial management. Can you help her improve her employment opportunities - that would be the best support.

‘You haven’t paid me back what you owe from last time so I can’t keep giving you more”

Agree with what others have said and maybe try and work out how much she does owe you and just forget about it as likely you won’t get it back but at least when she asks in future you have a number to say look we are not well off and you already owe me X amount- I would not say to your sister you will forget about the money but just so she knows the amount owed which I’m sure she does. Like others have said offer meals/ babysitting so sister can study and better herself to get a better job. I always think opportunities are there if you are willing to work for them- I say this as a single parent, my child has Sen and I have a good paying job. It is possible.

The money is probably lost, write it off.
But Don’t lend her any more. She is a grown up adult and you are enabling her.