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Should I let him off the hook?

19 replies

LazyStupidandGodless · 30/01/2025 09:56

This man I was seeing for 3 months is a performer and has lots of young female fans.

He is well known in his hometown for being a womanising party animal. He was plying women with alcohol and drugs to get them to sleep with him and boasted about his 'success' with women..

I got entangled with him unfortunately but only found out when it was too late that he'd refuse to use protection when I asked him to.

I was a regular recreational drug user for about 12 years and managed to give it up after a long struggle. I hadn't touched any of it for over a decade before I met him but it brought back a lot of powerful memories and I got nostalgic for that part of my youth. I was drunk and high on the drugs he gave me when I first slept with him.

It was horrible seeing him trapped in the same cycle of addiction plus he also suffers from erectile dysfunction - I really tried to help him but it was draining and exhausting when he kept saying that he wanted to give up the drugs but would end up doing it all over again.

The drugs made him erratic and violent and his ex-partner of 4 years reported him to the police for assault. In the brief time that I was seeing him, he also joked about giving me two black eyes and killing me for fun. When I pulled him up on it, he didn't seeing anything wrong about making these jokes. I would say that someone would have to be quite mentally unsound to think that domestic violence is in any way a laughing matter.

These young female fans are vulnerable and could easily be taken advantage of. I am sure that they would happily sleep with him and go along with his unwillingness to use protection. Also, it's a massive ego boost for someone like him who is insecure about his virility and has such low self-worth.

His drug use is also likely to impair his judgement. Should I write to his employers? I really want to protect these young women from potentially being exploited and abused.

He is apparently seeing someone now but he cheated on his partner early on in their relationship and then strung her along for 8 years before breaking up with her. Till this day, she still doesn't know about his infidelity and was absolutely heart-broken that she had lost who she thought was the love of her life. He didn't tell her because he was too afraid of the consequences of his actions and confessed that he was enjoying cheap rent whilst living with her.

I feel like I should flag up his problematic tendancies with his employer - I have kept quiet about things in the past and wished I'd spoken up more yet another part of me just doesn't want to waste any more time or energy on him.

It's been over a year since things ended and now that my feelings of anger have subsided, the resulting clarity means it feels like reporting him would be the right thing to do and will make him accountable.

I am completely repulsed by the fact that I slept with someone as repugnant as him and the thought of possibly seeing him again makes me feel nauseous. It was a lucky escape and I have met some lovely men since then.

I have already reported him to the police anonymously but should I give them evidence (screen-shots etc) so that they can investigate the matter?

I know there's the belief that karma will eventually kick-in for men like him but I also think if he isn't called out for his revolting behaviour then it's letting him off the hook.

I'm in such a pickle, would love some advice.

p.s. I checked myself for STIs after he dumped me and was thankfully ok - it would be a whole different matter if he'd given me an STI.

OP posts:
AmberGemstone · 30/01/2025 09:58

What would reporting him to his employer look like? What would you do?

SpringBunnyHopHop · 30/01/2025 10:06

Take some responsibility of your part in it and raise your standards for god sake.

Nevervisible · 30/01/2025 10:58

Are you saying that when you had sex with him you asked him to use a condom but he didn't? If that's the case it's rape because you didn't consent to that and you could report him to the police for that.
Otherwise you should stop obsessing with his life and lifestyle.

LazyStupidandGodless · 30/01/2025 11:17

AmberGemstone · 30/01/2025 09:58

What would reporting him to his employer look like? What would you do?

I'd flag up his drug addiction and violent tendancies - inform them that he grooms women in order to have unprotected sex and recommend that they either warn him not to have inappropriate interactions with his female fans or dismiss him.

OP posts:
LazyStupidandGodless · 30/01/2025 11:21

SpringBunnyHopHop · 30/01/2025 10:06

Take some responsibility of your part in it and raise your standards for god sake.

I have - I have been angry with myself for ignoring the red flags and I really don't want to be a victim. Nonetheless, what he did was illegal, immoral and irresponsible.
Please don't victim- blame, this is why a lot of women stay silent out of shame.

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LazyStupidandGodless · 30/01/2025 11:23

Nevervisible · 30/01/2025 10:58

Are you saying that when you had sex with him you asked him to use a condom but he didn't? If that's the case it's rape because you didn't consent to that and you could report him to the police for that.
Otherwise you should stop obsessing with his life and lifestyle.

Thank you for your reply - I have looked into it and refusing to use protection is a form of coercion and sexual abuse.
Not to mention that if a person is under the influence of drugs that the sex can be deemed to be non-censual.

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HeronWing · 30/01/2025 11:30

I’m not clear on what type of ‘performer’ he is and what relationship is between him and his employers? Are these fans underage?

AmberGemstone · 30/01/2025 13:30

LazyStupidandGodless · 30/01/2025 11:17

I'd flag up his drug addiction and violent tendancies - inform them that he grooms women in order to have unprotected sex and recommend that they either warn him not to have inappropriate interactions with his female fans or dismiss him.

But how?

How would you context his employer? What information would you give them (about you, as well as him)? How would you intend on interacting with them?

AmberGemstone · 30/01/2025 14:59

AmberGemstone · 30/01/2025 13:30

But how?

How would you context his employer? What information would you give them (about you, as well as him)? How would you intend on interacting with them?

Sorry- that line should say “how would you contact his employer?”

This is an area I work in (employment law/protected disclosures), hence the questions.

BobbyBiscuits · 30/01/2025 15:02

This sounds absolutely outlandish.
If it's true then obviously he's scum and you need to avoid him. If there's evidence he's grooming or sleeping with anyone underage or drugging/SA people then you must go to the police.

spacepies · 30/01/2025 15:18

3 months is nothing you was a side dish for him learn from it move on and raise your bar higher.

LazyStupidandGodless · 30/01/2025 17:30

AmberGemstone · 30/01/2025 14:59

Sorry- that line should say “how would you contact his employer?”

This is an area I work in (employment law/protected disclosures), hence the questions.

I would ask for an email address for their HR/Legal dept - they should be taking measures to stop any potential abuse or inappropriate interactions and that he has been reported to the police, not just by me but his ex-partner.

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LazyStupidandGodless · 30/01/2025 17:32

HeronWing · 30/01/2025 11:30

I’m not clear on what type of ‘performer’ he is and what relationship is between him and his employers? Are these fans underage?

He technically a freelancer - the women aren't underaged but vulnerable due to their hero-worship.

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AmberGemstone · 30/01/2025 22:17

LazyStupidandGodless · 30/01/2025 17:30

I would ask for an email address for their HR/Legal dept - they should be taking measures to stop any potential abuse or inappropriate interactions and that he has been reported to the police, not just by me but his ex-partner.

And are you going to provide your name and contact information?

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 30/01/2025 22:49

I think you should report him, people should be held accountable and you’ll feel guilty if you don’t try to speak up. However, keep your expectations low as whether the police or his employer will do anything is another matter altogether. That’s out of your control. If he was famous enough you could go to the media.

LazyStupidandGodless · 31/01/2025 15:26

AmberGemstone · 30/01/2025 22:17

And are you going to provide your name and contact information?

Edited

Yeah, I would give my name and details if it means that they'll take more notice.

Would prefer to be anonymous just because I don't really want any follow-up actions. I just want to flag up his behaviour so it's up to them if they put measures in place. If anything were to happen in future then I can say that they were aware of his problematic behaviour.

It'll be easier if I just provide the police with evidence so that there's no chance that he can claim defamation and hence loss of earnings.

I wasn't the only woman that he messed around with so if there was an investigation and they also came forward then there'd be a stronger case against him.

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LazyStupidandGodless · 15/02/2025 21:14

I finally spoke to the friend who introduced me to this man about what happened and she was really alarmed by the matter. She said that I still sounded traumatised by things perhaps because speaking about it brought up a lot of painful emotions.

Given that I was drunk and on drugs the first time I slept with him, I wasn't in a condition to be able to give my consent. I had also told him 'you're sleeping on the sofa by the way' (i,e, I'm not sleeping with you) when he was at mine to which he said 'Am I fuck'.

His refusal to use protection when I asked him to is also a pretty grey area at the moment but verges on abuse and definitely lack of care, endangering my sexual health when he was being promiscuous.

I called the new '24/7 Rape & Sexual Abuse line' and was given some brilliant information after a 30-minute wait - I think it's really worth spreading the word about this service.

The counsellor on the line checked-in about how I was feeling and reminded me to look after myself.

She mentioned ISVA (stands for 'Independent Sexual Violence Advocacy') which supports and advises women who are thinking of reporting the matter to the police. There are some brilliant resources out there particularly 'From Report to Court' which will help anyone make an informed decision. https://survivorsnetwork.org.uk/resources/

She did gently warn me that nothing may come of it and that he may not be charged but that speaking up and standing up for myself would help me heal.

p.s. if a friend has been assaulted and is too scared or ashamed to report the matter, you can give a 3rd party report to the police.

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LazyStupidandGodless · 15/02/2025 21:16

InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 30/01/2025 22:49

I think you should report him, people should be held accountable and you’ll feel guilty if you don’t try to speak up. However, keep your expectations low as whether the police or his employer will do anything is another matter altogether. That’s out of your control. If he was famous enough you could go to the media.

I have been wrestling with this because this matter has taken its toll on my mental health and I don't know if I have the energy to see it through.

OP posts:
LazyStupidandGodless · 16/02/2025 17:32

@AmberGemstone would you recommend that I give my details and write to their HR or Legal department?

OP posts:
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