Not sure where to go next with this - dc and their dad

[DoIChaseThisOrNot]

I have posted before about this situation and the process of temporarily stopping contact with dcs dad in case it sounds familiar.

2 dc, dad lives in a grotty, uncarpeted flat, no curtains, I see photos on dcs phone and there's no curtains, literal rubbish everywhere, cups and plates with mould on them.... it's horrendous. He used to smoke around them as well, one is asthmatic.

For a period of time he engaged with me when I said the kids aren't coming because the place is dirty and would make an effort to clean (I'm not fussed about mess, I am fussed about mould and rubbish) but then he just stopped engaging altogether (after his last rant where he showed up 20 mins early and complained that the kids hair wasn't perfectly brushed and 1 dc had their tshirt on inside out when changing in a rush because he was early)

In the weeks before I stopped seeing them he got a cat, and the kids came home stinking of litter tray, and then they came back with flea bites.

I have photos and screenshots of everything.

I sent him a message after he refused to engage in conversation about the bites and lack of litter try being cleaned and said to go to mediation.

I spoke to mediation who said that I would need a solicitor to get legal aid, I can't get a solicitor as we aren't going to court, and I can't afford £40 an hour for mediation.

So what do I do now? Its been around 6 months and he hasn't done anything at all, I expected him to apply to court and then I was hoping to voice my concerns and get something in place so he has to keep his house at a non hazardous standard for the kids visits (I don't know how much say a court has) but it's been radio silence.

So what do I do now? Just leave it and my kids don't see their dad anymore? Pursue it somehow? Try and scrape together £40 an hour for goodness knows how many sessions?

I don't want my kids not to have a dad, I just want their health to come first.

(Just as an aside the younger one was regularly sick when seeing him, and in the last 6 months has only had one day off school due to illness)

Any advice on how to proceed, or if to proceed will be appreciated.

It's such a balance of what's best for their physical health and their mental health.

It's really up to him to pursue contact. You can't make him have them or sort his home out. So do nothing. If applies through courts for contact you then engage with the process but don't take this on yourself. There's no point.

I get you want to support a relationship with your children but he has to want it too.

If your ex is not doing anything about being able to see his children, then you leave it. They can have FaceTime calls and, if he’s willing, he can take them to MacDonald’s or the park to spend time with them. It wouldn’t be fair to the children to put them back in the same situation if the living conditions have not improved.

Facetime calls worked for the first couple of weeks, but then he started telling them how I was being mean, and he was so lonely and sitting crying night after night without them etc, and he refused to come through and see them (he lives about 20 minutes away) just for lunch or a play at the park.

The kids felt so guilty when he started telling them all that that I had to seek some help through the school which they are still getting.

The whole situation is awful and I feel I can't do right for doing wrong, but I really feel like I'm letting my kids down, I feel like I should be trying something, but I don't know what since he won't really engage.

It's got to come from him op. You are responsible for facilitating reasonable contact, not for actually arranging it, and you are certainly not responsible for him. Your main responsibility is to protect your children, and that means doing what you're doing and keeping them away from that grotty flat. I'm so sorry this is happening to you all x

Do you meet any of the criteria for legal aid? Not sure why the mediators are suggesting you need a solicitor to apply for legal aid, in order to go to mediation.

Bottom line is he can't be forced to have the kids, or to tidy his place or to de-flea his cat. If he wants contact he can apply for mediation. Not sure why you're pushing it.

I do meet the criteria for legal aid, but I need a solicitor in order to get legal aid, the solicitors won't take me on as a client because I'm not actually going to court or anything so I don't know how to proceed with it. I'm pushing it because my kids love their dad and want to see him, but are too young to fully understand everything yet.

Thank you, I'm doubting myself because my kids are upset that they aren't seeing him, and he's merrily giving the old 'withholding contact because she's controlling' line to all and sundry. Meantime I'm doing it all alone, plus dealing with the psychological damage, plus upset kids and I'm just trying my best.

It certainly doesn't make my life easier not having a break.

If he won't do anything so he can see his children then there is nothing you can do.

He can clean his house and deflea the cat - see children.
He can take them to McDonald's or a cafe - see children.
He can facetime without mentally and emotionally guilt tripping them - see children.

He doesn't even do the basics which means he doesn't want to bother with the children but is using them to punish you. This actually harms the children too. Sit with that thought for a while and then drop the rope.

you aren’t letting down the kids he is.

youve invited him for trips to the park, dinner out with them he has refused and the kids will know that.

if he’s telling all and sundry you are withholding contact feel free to correct anyone who queries this with you.

it has to be on him. He has to be willing to make the effort

His house is a health hazard for your kids. He can see them elsewhere - a cafe, park, McDonald's. If he's not prepared to put the minimal effort in to do this, that's on him not you. It sucks for your kids but your job is first and foremost to keep them safe and healthy, not to make up for the deficiencies of their other parent.

Not sure what age your children are but, in an age appropriate way, you need to explain that their dad might not be able to see them. Don't make excuses, just state that his accommodation is unsuitable for them and for whatever reason he seems reluctant to see them anywhere else.
You are enabling contact but he is choosing not to see his children. His house sounds unsanitary, so absolutely right not to allow children there. His contact via facetime sounds emotional abusive.... I would stop those too. Keep a record of his actions/behaviour etc to demonstrate why you are acting in the way that you are.

You're doing this with the best of intentions Op but think again. He's already made your DC physically ill and now mentally by emotionally blackmailing them. He won't change, he knows why they don't go to him but he won't clean, won't take them to the park, he just wants to see them with no effort.

100% this. You aren’t doing anything wrong op. If he had the children full time ss would get involved due to these conditions. You are safeguarding your children, as you should. Anything else needs to come from him. Seeing them outside the home would be best but if he won’t do it that’s on him. Awful for your kids of course but not your fault.