How many friends do you have? Am having an existential crisis

[Boredatlunchtime]

Just out of curiosity really. I've had some awful years with my husband walking out and my mental health going to shit. I know I haven't been a good friend and have leaned on my friends too much. Lots of friendships have fallen by the wayside.
I have some friends from school - 3 of them
2 friends from uni
A cousin and a sibling who I guess are my friends
An ex-work colleague who I message sometimes

And that is it! I don't really have an mum-friends. I have acquaintances, wouldn't meet up outside of a playdate.

My husband was my best friend but he has a new partner now.

Is this normal? How many friends would a typical 43 year old have?

Aside from family...I have probably about 5 good friends...and then acquaintances

One, two, or four. It depends on the context

Also aged 43. 3 very best friends who I'd trust with anything (plus their partners). 3 more who I love getting together with when we can (not very often) then maybe 1 more. That's plenty for me!!! I love spending,g time with my DH so he's my constant.

i have 2 best mates one man and one woman known each other over 30 years.
We are the type that can call text visit when ever no matter what the time day or night.
We have keys to each others homes holiday together etc.
If we need each other at the drop of a hat one or both will be there met in year 7 clicked the rest is history.
We are all child free and single with so much in common seen each other though alsorts break ups family fall outs dramas but we have stood by each other.
Last break up was last year male friend saw boyfriend with other man yes we had to go on holiday for a week to get over it we went to as many gay bars we could lol it was a blast he recovered fast.

None.
I'm only 23. Not sure what happened I have work acquaintances and school mum acquaintances that I get on great with at work/waiting for the children but no one ever wants to meet outside of those situations.

I try not to think about it because it feels pathetic and sad. At least I have my family

I’m 39 this year. And I’ve decided to wean myself off Facebook and those people I added in 2005 from school & college 🤣 time to move onwards and live peacefully.

I have 4 good friends and 1 friend from university - I don’t need anymore than that

I don’t have a best friend though

I would say my 40's was the decade I shed friends-they did the same.

Kids getting older, no actual play dates/schoolgate/pta to keep us together so we naturally drifted apart.

In my 50's I now have a core group of 6 that I see regularly and make an effort with and they do the same. It's a bit easier now our children are adults but we all work and some of us are grandparents/have aging parents so not a lot of spare time.

It's not the amount of friends but the quality of the friendship you do have.

Sorry you have had a tough few years. I hope things get better for you soon. I think when you get older, you do genuinely have less friends and that’s because quality is better than quantity. I have 4 really good friends who are exceptional. I know I can rely on these people for anything. I feel very lucky.

I have quite a few in varying groups.

4 close friends from school who I see fairly frequently (I wouldn’t go a whole month without seeing at least one, we meet up as a group or individually/smaller groups depending on DC, working patterns etc)

1 other good friend from school and we were bridesmaids for each other, but both of us are rubbish at keeping in touch and she lives on the other side of the world so only see her when she’s back in the UK.

A few friends from uni but these have all drifted to be honest, they lasted a good 10-15 years post uni but now that nearly all have DC, some several, and we all live all over the place, get togethers are fewer and far between. I would still class them as friends, but not close any more,

1 very good friend I made at NCT with my first DC and we’ve been friends for over 10 years. See fairly often, once every couple of months probably.

2 good friends from my very first job. Meet up every couple of months again.

Mum friends I’ve made at the school gates - there’s a small number I meet up with individually for coffee, lunch, exercise, and then others who I only see on group nights out or events, or at play dates.

I’m an introvert these days since being well into my 40’s and love spending time at home on the weekends and evenings as I work FT and have demanding DC, but I always make the effort as I know I would get bored if I never have any social occasions, and I feel lucky to have a number of good people in my life.

Group of 8 from school, 4 of us live locally and are like family. In contact most days and see eachother a lot. They are amazing and I'm so lucky to have them. I'm also very close to my sister.

I've got a wider group of less close but still lovely people collected from school/friends of friends/hobbies/work.

I never really made any "mum friends' though, was always on my own at the school gates! Not sure why but the kids are older now so it doesn't matter.

I can imagine this happening and I do think some friendships are seasonal, but that’s ok.

I’m no longer in touch with any of the other NCT mums although I met up with them a lot during maternity leave and liked them all.

I’ve also had plenty of work friendships which have drifted since changing jobs/having DC/the pandemic.

I can imagine the same might happen with some of my current “mum” friends too.

Friendships are maintained when both parties make the effort.

My sister
A friend who lives abroad see her once / twice a year when she comes home
Bookgroup friends - meet for dinner every other month, little contact between those dinners.
Mum friend 1 - fairly regularly WhatsAppibg / see each other once a month-ish
Mum friend 2 - dinner every other month
Bookgroup 2 - monthly meetings bit of WhatsApp in between.

I don't have many friends!

Hardly any. A few mum friends but those relationships have their ups and downs but I have people I could rely on to collect DD from school in an emergency so that's good. None from school or uni left. My best friend from uni dropped me like a hot potato the moment uni finished after living together for three years. My other main friend was my SIL but that's broken down now due to family dramas

It hasn't helped that DH and I have moved areas a fair bit since we've been together, moved away from home town and had a baby, then moved again when she was one, and will potentially move again to an area with good secondary schools

One and 2 school mum friends who chat on the playground at pick up whilst waiting for the doors to open. Perfectly happy with that

I've had to redefine my expectations friendship as an adult. I don't have anything close to a bestie, which I'm sad about. But I have a healthy social circle which I'm grateful for.

There are 6 of us who have been friends since school, but we're all scattered to the four winds now and busy with kids etc. We meet up annually but I don't speak to them often in between times.

I still live in my uni town and there are a smattering of people here who I've known since university. Again all caught up with small children right now so I don't see them nearly as much as I'd like, but they're around now and again.

Have a lush group of old work colleagues who meet up once or twice a year. None of us work together anymore but it's lovely when we hang out.

Then there's the baby group friends, who we used to see multiple times a week but now the older kids are at school this has tailed off dramatically. I imagine when the youngers go these will also become 'once a year friends', if that.

Some of the above now have kids at the same school as mine so I see them the most often. We do pub nights a few times a year and occasionally other things.

But I don't have a solid group I see regularly,( like every week or once a month) for reasons other than 'we passed each other at the school gates'. I've tried super hard to cultivate this. DH and I love to host, we're natural instigators of nights in or out, suggest weekends away, invite people if we're planning a holiday etc, but it's usually just us in the end. Not sure whether that's because we're just less cool and interesting than we think we are or that people are genuinely just a bit flakey and disorganised! Or somewhere in the middle. So mostly I try and be happy that I have several groups of people I've known for years and even though I only see them sporadically it's lovely when we do catch up!

Wow, I have often felt guilty and stressed out trying to keep on top of friendships but so far this thread is making me feel like I need to move on and refine who I stay in touch with as I clearly have too many. I wondered how people weren't stressed out by friends on top of job, family etc.

None. And I am absolutely fine with it. I have family who I love dearly and that’s enough for me.

I think 3 or 4 closes friends and then maybe 5 or so not so close but we might still meet up occasionally for coffee. Seems like more than enough to me, I have kids and DH and elderly parents though so enough to do

I honestly have only about 3, 2 are people I have known for many years, and one was my daughter's hairdresser turned friend. Have lost a few over the last few years through circumstances and feeling like one couldn't be bothered with the friendship anymore so I just checked out too

I’m 29 and would say that I have 2 good friends from uni.

I guess I would count my sisters (2) as good friends too.

No friends from work.

It's about quality, OP, not quantity. If you have 2 or 3 really good friends, you'll be fine.

I have one friend who I've known 53 years, met first year at school. She married a friend of DH so that cements relationship even more.

I have five friends from DD's class have known them 19 years. We get together once a month, but also do different things with eachother, ie three of us get together with our husbands, meet rest for coffee on our own, one I sometimes walk with, another we go same exercise class.

I have a colleague who I met eight years ago, stopped working together five years ago but still get together every couple of months.

I'm a chatterbox, but know I can still sit there and just listen if needed.

MN is the wrong place to ask how many friends is "normal"

There are weekly threads about how posters don't have any friends. Or don't have 'enough' friends. Or who want to go no Contact with their 'friends'. Then there are all the posters who suggest 'dropping' friends, or 'blocking' friends whenever anyone posts for advice about a situation.

However, it doesn't matter what any stranger on the internet counts as "normal". What matters is if you are happy with your relationships.

Compared with lots of posters on here, you've got plenty of friends. What do you feel you are missing ?

Close friends I have four or five. Two that I would consider best friends and two or three others I'm in close/regular contact with. I have maybe 10 others that I would consider friends but not close, would just see in group settings etc.

Tbh I have no idea how I have them as I'm not a particularly sociable person most of the time. I do think I'm quite easy to talk to though so I tend to 'gather' people along the way.

I don't know what's normal, I think everyone is different. I was in my last workplace a very long time and have a number of my friends from there so perhaps it's situational.

One from school, one from uni (good friends, the type you can always count on) and then maybe 3 or 4 other people I message and meet up with every few months. Plus sisters and cousin. For ages I was so sad about not having a "group" but actually I couldn't cope with that - I'm too bloody tired to keep it up!