Help me write an email to the school regarding my EBSA/referred 13 year old DD

[Theteenagerera]

I had much support on here in the past in reference to my DD who currently is not attending school and on a wait list for ND referral, likely Autism.

In short as a bit background was doing quite well in school until just before her 12th birthday when she uncharacteristically started getting into trouble for defiance/disruption and was spending a lot of time in isolation. School refused to engage with any support even though there was clear pattern of SEN related issues triggering her behaviour, being forced to read out in class when she is likely dyslexic, arriving in class with tie loose due to sensory issues, sudden seat/teacher moves causing behavioural issues.

We had a very frustrating 9 months off being fobbed off, DD hardly spending any time in class due to always being in isolation and eventually refusing to go and we were still waiting on an ILP a year later when we decided to take her out and put her into a much smaller school with good SEN department and lots of support, ILP was written up for her starting.

The school all and all have been great, lots of communication, different approaches to help her adjust, DD is on a flexi timetable so can sign herself in and out, there is a lovely bunch of girls in her year who have been so welcoming and inclusive but DD is still hardly ever attending school and in fact our mornings have got worse with her struggling to get out of bed before 11am.

Before Christmas we were having weekly meetings with deputy head to monitor how things were going, she even came to our house so she could talk to DD in her home about how we could make it easier for her however since the start of the new term we have had nothing and I’m feeling a bit left in the dark.

Full home schooling isn’t an option for us as both DH and I work and we also couldn’t afford to pay for online schooling or even the GCSE costs doing it ourselves so it is in DD’s best interests that she stays attached to a school, even if she can just manage to do her maths and English but it’s just doesn’t seem to be manageable for her at the moment.

Our problem with the school is while DD can access the homework set through the various school programmes, they have said it’s not possible to set DD any course work due to lack of teacher time/resources etc so most days rather than not she is getting her laptop set up and there is nothing there for her to do..

We have had a meeting a lovely lady who supports families such as ourselves and gives advice on education and referral routes, what we should be doing with DD to make sure she gets what she gets the support she is entitled too and she has made it clear that while the school may be great that are not fulfilling what the law states which is every child is entitled to an education and they should definitely be doing more to make that happen for DD.

Due to illness, birthdays, family visiting, getting back into the Monday to Friday work/home/school routine I have been a little bit lapse but I was checking my diary this morning and realised that DD has nearly missed a full year of education and it cannot go on any longer, something needs to be done.

I am about to write an email to the school to start a discussion on how to proceed in DD best interest however I think I’m so blinded by how lovely they have been compared to her old school I don’t want to be a dick however as the educational support worker pointed out in our meeting, ticking along like this is causing the school minimum stress and DD is still without an education..

Can anyone lend any support?

Its not entirely clear from your post what it is that you do want for DD.
It sounds like she has some SEN, potential autism. Depending on the severity this shouldn't stop her getting up in the morning and attending school if the school has the right support and statement eg no reading out loud, frequent breaks etc.
What is making her get up so late? Are you and DH prepared to support her to get back to school or are you looking for home school options?
I think before you email the school to say "do better", you probably need to work out what it is you and DD actually want. It doesn't sound like them setting some remote work to do will achieve much

Sorry, I probably did word vomit my OP down, it’s actually quite cathartic to write it all out.

Our ideal would be to have DD back in school full time but I’m just not sure that is ever going to happen, we support her every day and our approach has definitely evolved with time as we try to understand her.

There has been shouting, crying, privilege restrictions, understanding, love, patience, learning, cuddles, fall outs, you name it we have tried it but it comes down to the fact that without brute/physical force we cannot force DD to do anything she doesn’t want to and she really doesn’t want to go to school.

I guess what I would like is for the school to understand that our best outcome and end game would be to have DD back in school fell time but we don’t know when that can be and in the interim she isn’t getting an education and should be.

OK but it sounds unrealistic for DD to get back full time unless something is happening to support that?
Meanwhile it sounds like you want her to focus on maths and English? So I personally would be writing to the school and asking them to provide the lesson plans for those 2. The teachers will have plans that say these weeks we will cover these topics etc. Then you can work with DD to access free resources that cover those topics eg. YouTube tutorials on differential equations if that's the topic for this week. Then she can complete the homework and send that for marking.

I think focus on asking for specific resources or help rather than just telling them to do more is better approach

From what I have heard from speaking to people on here previously and our Educational support lady, we should be expecting the school to do more than an outlay of what DD would be doing if she was in school and sent away to find our own resources.

Im not meaning to come across as flippant and I am aware I posted this on a discussion forum but it would be really good to hear from anyone that has experience of ND/SEN children also going through EBSA and liaising with the school.

@Whyherewego apologies if you are or have gone through similar, it’s just some of your phrasing…

“Depending on the severity this shouldn't stop her getting up in the morning and attending school if the school has the right support and statement eg no reading out loud, frequent breaks etc.
What is making her get up so late? Are you and DH prepared to support her to get back to school”

seems a bit too naive and frankly narrow minded to have had direct experience of a child who struggles with every day life including school.

To a ND child there isn’t a light bulb moment where they suddenly understand that something/somewhere which they deemed unsafe and traumatic is fine just because someone said so.

DD gets burnt out and anxious very quickly she spends most of the night awake internalising and worrying about what she has go through. Her room/house bed is her safe space she doesn’t want to leave to go into an environment where she will feel unsafe, misunderstood and in flight mode for 8 hours of a day.

DH and I support her every minute of every day and constantly feel the weight of her missing so much education, we work closely with the school and GP, outreach support, we encourage support groups such as normal magic, we talk to her every day about school and how we can make it work, encourage socialising with new friends/old friends/siblings. We try not to put any added pressure or guilt on her, ie you need exams, we could get in trouble if you don’t go to school etc we encourage attending social/informational evenings ie GCSE information nights, gym introductions, we keep good routines at night to encourage well rested nights sleep and most importantly DD knows she can always come and talk to us, though admittedly she does find this hard..

I am really interested to know what extra support you feel we are not giving.

Ok I'm sorry. I'm not a specialist and the description in the OP didn't highlight the extend of SEN issues. Just mentioned possible autism and dyslexia.

Feel free to ignore me