Older inlaws and poa

[DyslexicPoster]

Long story short. Dhs mum, dad and step mum are all in their 70s. Fil isn't in great health. On paper he walks for miles, swims for miles, is still travelling the world. But he is up A&E a lot for emergencies and had a double stent last year.

Don't know if any of them have poa. They certainly haven't discussed with dh and bil always insists he is in the dark too, but maybe he knows about poa, nok etc.

I keep telling dh to ask them as I had this issue with my mum and by the time she agreed poa it was too late.

Wwyd? I have given my advice. In laws are very closed off about these things.

With mum I had to just accept parents sometimes make stupid choices and if fil dies before step mil without a poa that's her choice. As a step son I don't think anyone can say they are nok? She has no biological kids. Her brothers live abroad etc. Not even sure if they have poa for each other.

I know its none of my business and there problem at the end of the day. Just feel sad that my dh might face what I did when my mum died. But at the same he watched all of that and didn't have the conversation with them

Sadly you can’t make them consider it.
you’ve mentioned it. You could even send a link to your husband regarding the info but that’s it.
my siblings and I have all encouraged our parents to get POA (we don’t care who they choose but know it would make things easier if they lost capacity)…we have all seen bad situations where it has caused problems when left to late.
we have tried to discuss it numerous times and they just say yeh basically and then never do anything.
sadly that’s all you can do.
you can’t make them do it if they don’t want to.
sorry you’re in this situation. All you can do is suggest it and then be there for your husband for the fall out if they never get it sorted.

Thank you. That's my gut feeling too. Try my best and that's all I can do. It's more for my dh. I do worry about step mil as I think if dh goes first we can't do anything to help even talk to the hospital if gets blue lighted in. But that's the reality. We aren't her NOK and that's it.

I get it, elderly parents are a pain in the arse and I’ve had the same conversation (like talking to a brick wall) with my own parents who are in their 70’s, have no will, no POA’s, one parent has Alzheimer’s, etc.

But just like I can’t make my parents to it, and you couldn’t make your mum do it, you need to accept that your DH can’t make his dad and step mum do it.

Stop pecking his head about it.

He is well aware of the difficulties he will face if anything happens to the wrong people in the wrong order.

You keeping going on and on about it, and worrying about things that may never happen, isn’t going to change things. If anything, you’re going to start getting on your DH’s nerves.

Not sure I have constantly nagged dh. I mentioned it twice but I take on board That's nagging territory.

To be honest I don't want to see him stressed out if his dad dies and then his step mum becomes none if his business.

similarly i think step mum does everything for fil and he would tell us he was in hospital if step mil hadnt told us. I have no desire to get involved in the fall out if it happens. Like I said they are free to make there own shitty desisions that might speed up their demise. That's there gift to choose. I just worry dh is in for impending shit storm, and of course that's his problem ultimately.

I guess that's the thing, it's dhs problem to muse over or not.

I'm just thinking out load by posting. I know its none of my business what happens to them or if mil has no nok set up.

I have no desire to get involved in the fall out if it happens. Like I said they are free to make there own shitty desisions that might speed up their demise. That's there gift to choose. I just worry dh is in for impending shit storm, and of course that's his problem ultimately.

Nobody is asking you to get involved. What fall out are you envisioning? What impending shit storm? None of my family have ever done a POA and its not been an issue so far (although I do have one). It isn't necessarily a problem - yes, it might be but then again it might not.

bil always insists he is in the dark too

I keep telling DH to ask them

I have given my advice

It sounds like you’ve mentioned it a lot more than twice. Did anyone ask you for your advice?

we can't do anything to help even talk to the hospital if gets blue lighted in

Stop being ridiculous. If step-MIL goes into hospital, of course the hospital will talk with your husband. My mum has recently been in hospital and nobody even asked about POA, the staff gave several relatives an update on her condition over the phone and when they visited.

You’re catastrophising talking about “speeding up their demise” and “impending shit storms”. How are they “speeding up their demise” by not having a POA? You sound a little unhinged over this.

I can see why your DH is taking the “I’ll deal with this if and when it happens” approach. He can’t force his parents to do anything and you’re doing more than enough worrying and obsessing over scenarios that may never happen, for both of you.

Dh isn't related to his step mum. I thought hospitals only talked to relatives and with permission?

They are over 200 miles away so we couldn't pop up. Currently if fil is in hospital mil phones us. If mil wasn't about dh would be phoning the hospital. When dh was taken by air ambulance to resus the hospital wouldn't talk to me over the phone either.

My mums gp wouldn't talk to me when she was ill either. She had to write a letter to give permission and never got round to it.

I thought gdpr stopped nhs staff giving out information but glad to hear POA won't stop us talking to the hospital