School mum behaviour

[FlyingFeather]

My DS who is 6 years old is in a small school and is part of a small group of friends but is particularly fixated on one of the boys. Whenever I suggest having play dates he only wants this one friend over. The issue is that his mother is very off with me and will ignore me at the playground, parties, coffee mornings etc. I’ve tried several times to catch her eye and I see her immediately look away. If I do talk to her in these settings I can see she is uncomfortable and doesn’t make any effort back. She’s not shy or socially anxious. She’s very friendly and chatty with other parents and I know she has other children over regularly for play dates. My husband thinks she feels threatened by me but I don’t think that true because I’m just not that type. I suspect she might be a social climber and has decided for whatever reason that I’m not someone she wants to make an effort with. Who knows what the reason is. Anyway I’ve invited them over twice for play dates and she has accepted and is ok with me. The invitation is never returned though and I honestly would prefer not be around her because off how it makes me feel. I’ve tried to encourage play dates with other children but my son is just not interested. So I guess I have to accept that this is who he likes and I will just have to suck it up? I think the fixation on one friend is probably not good thing and I’ve thought about asking school to support with widening his circle but they will likely see it as a non issue as he is part of a group. He’s just not keen on playing with the others outside school for some reason. My other child has friends around so I don’t want him to feel that I’m not making an effort for him. Am I overthinking it and does this play dates stuff not really matter?

It could be she’s just not interested in a play date and is trying to avoid just to not have to say that directly. My ds had a friend who pretty much only wanted to play with him. We did do a few play dates as friend’s mum was really keen to have him over (she seemed very overwhelmed and just needed some distraction). The kid was very sweary and my ds eventually said he didn’t want to play with him anymore (he had left the school after reception but we kept in touch). The other boy was just really dominant.

He eventually moved away to another county entirely, but his mum still drives hours back to our village to trick or treat here or go to the village fete to try to track him down so they can play. It’s quite intense. At trick or treating this year, I literally had to hide from them. I don’t mean to imply you are that bad. 😂 Just that the mum probably assumes you are after a play date and she doesn’t want one and is avoiding you.

You don’t know what she has going on? I have a few friends on school pick up and everyone else is a no thank you. It’s stresses me out immensely people trying to chat. I know some people like it but some don’t

Is your son’s fixation a one-way thing?
Perhaps this other child has told his mother that your DS is stopping him playing with other friends? And she’s trying to make sure he doesn’t just end up in a ‘two’ with your son?
Could be any manner of reasons, but I remember trying to avoid too much contact with a mum whose DD was obsessed with my DD, because I didn’t think it was a healthy friendship so didn’t want to encourage it with lots of play dates etc.

You shouldn't assume she's not socially anxious just because she appears chatty. I'm socially anxious but I'm sure on the outside I look like a very bubbly chatty person but it's a struggle. I would keep inviting the boy for playmates. Some people take longer to be comfortable around people and open up.

It could be that your DS's fixation with his friend is not entirely reciprocated.

Some people are just really snobby/offish/rude the minute they decide you're 'not their type' (or your kids aren't what they want to be their kids type!) I've met several at DD's school and had some issues with one unparticular who began to ignore me (despite being friendly previously) who my DD was close friends with at the time.You just have to accept that their friendship will need to stay in school, and explain that honestly to your child.

She might be socially anxious but ok around friends.
If your son is fixated, it could be overwhelming for the other boy and he may want space to play with others or the mother may think her son needs space without someone who is fixated on them.
Her son may feel fine with other children who have parents she socialises with and she may prefer playdates in this context.

I would say to your son that his friend has been over a few times now, and it would be nice to invite other children too. I would not allow the ‘fixating’ at all, you are the parent here op. He either invites other children, or he doesn’t have playdates. Nip this in the bud. Stop trying with the other mother and start parenting your son to be more inclusive.

I have had various children fixate on my children and often tried to
prevent them making other friends, and it wasn’t easy to manage at all, and I did have to guide them through it by being assertive.

I definitely wouldn’t be encouraging play dates with a child that is pestering mine. This would only make matters worse. We asked the teacher to intervene in the end. They are all young, and learning how to relate to friends, but fixating needs to be gently addressed.

You don’t know what’s going on, could be anything but how nice of you to invite him over and more than once!
Kids often fixate on one child, my eldest did for about 3 years!

Ive learnt you can’t force friendships, just let it be natural. They do what they want in school anyway. If you’re worried just arrange other play dates with other children and tell your child they’re coming over to play. This may start play dates to theirs and so on.

I would also say it could be her child that is perhaps not wanting to reciprocate the friendship. When my DS was much younger, they were in a small group, one boy was only interested in one of the others in the group and nobody else. It got quite intense for this boy and his mum actively got involved to stop this one child dominating his play and would rarely encourage out of school play with him.
I’d perhaps say to your son that he can only invite somebody different to play next time as other boy has been the most and it’s more fun to get to know others.

It’s possible I suppose but I haven’t really seen any evidence that my son is pestering her son. Her son always seems happy to see mine and I’ve observed them playing happily together many times.

I do think the fixation with one friend isn’t a good thing but despite play dates with other children and explaining that it’s good to have lots of different friends I haven’t been able to shift it. I’m hoping it’s something he will grow out off but if anyone has any other suggestions please let me know.

Even if my child was pestering him, behaving off with the parent is a bit out off order in my opinion. My other child has a friend who can sometimes be quite rough (worse in my opinion!) and my child will complain about them. The mother is lovely and I would never be anything but friendly to her, but maybe that’s just me.

Exactly this!
You wouldn’t think I was socially anxious if you saw me talking to people I know. But I absolutely am.
I would avoid making eye contact or small talk with anyone I don’t know well and actively discourage my daughter from play dates unless it’s with people I know because the anxiety of a) arranging them and then b) having to socialise with a stranger is far too much for me.
But if you saw me at the school gate with parents I know, you would see me laughing, joking and think I was just being a bitch for ignoring you.
Neuro diversity isn’t black and white and isn’t always obvious.

Maybe try and get your ds into an out of school activity (eg scouts) where he can meet other kids and engage socially in a semi structured activity. He will strike up other friendships then and you won't have him limiting himself socially

Maybe her son just isn't that interested in yours and while he likes him he'd prefer to have other children over to play and his mother doesn't really want an awkward conversation.
I'd nip the fixation in the bud friendship groups change all the time and your son may find this child doesn't want to play with him anymore at some point in the near future

I think at 6, you can probably get away with just picking a few other kids from his friendship group and inviting them via mums then saying "great news, on Thursday Tommy is coming over" - I suspect your son will be happy to hear that, rather than giving him the option of who he invites. So long as its someone he does get on with/play with at school, it's unlikely he'll say "what about so-and-so", my 6 year old just takes it at face value and I just invite whoever it feels fair to invite (she's the same, has a very clear "bestie" she'd hang out with all the time, but does include and play with 3 others, so I just ensure we keep inviting those others as well to ensure its a group not a 2 and shes not overly reliant on her favourite mate). You could also ensure he picks someone from a hobbie or out of school group, so that it isn't linked to his school friend.
I wouldn't dwell on the other mum, maybe she is cliquey, maybe she's socially anxious, maybe she's just not into you or her sons said something- it doesn't really matter, I think you're right, it's just a good idea to widen your sons net a bit.