Help me find the words to respond to comments about weight

[Dollarydoos]

My children are tall, and built pretty solidly. I was the same and remember feeling very self conscious when people would comment that I was heavier than they anticipated or 'my you're a big girl aren't you!' or something like that. Wasn't helped by the fact that my family responded with 'oh yes she's our baby elephant' or similar phrases.

It's now happening with my children, people keep commenting 'goodness you're tall!' or 'wow she's heavy isn't she'. I never know what to say. Either I say 'she's fine for her height ' which kinda comes out defensively and makes it awkward, or I just kinda shrug it off which I'm not overly comfortable with.

I'd like them proud of their bodies. Now as an adult I realise it's great to be taller and I'm also very strong. But it's taken forever to get over the idea that being tall and strong is a bad thing (the rest of my family are petite in every way) So looking for a few phrases in my toolbox that I can use in those moments so I'm not overthinking it or inadvertently passing on my own awkwardness about it or being rude to others. I have said 'yeah we're tall and strong in our family aren't we!' which feels okay, but looking for a few more.

Any ideas?

If someone said 'big' I'd respond 'lovely and tall, not big'. If they comment something like 'wow, you're tall' I'd just say 'thanks!' to shut it down, or something like "yes, we're proud of our height". Something that's a positive.

The weight thing is just bloody rude. Nobody should comment negatively about a child's weight or body shape, especially within their hearing range. I would probably say, in a calm a fashion as possible, "Do you know how rude that sounds? She's actually fine for her height".

I don't get how some people feel entitled to comment on others bodies. My eldest DD is extremely petite and even her work supervisor comments, calling her skinny. It's no better than telling someone they're fat.

descended from Vikings? or the Dutch or something,
or the Best people are?

If you want a throwaway then something like 'yep, whole family are sasquatches/good solid farming stock/about as un-hobbity as you get'.

You could try commenting from your own experience - "you know people used to say that about me when I was little and it made me really self-conscious... Yes I know you might not have meant it unkindly but unfortunately that's how it lands".

Or if you're feeling spikey just give them a good look up and down, smile brightly and say 'ooh, are we doing comments on each others' weight/build/figure then?'. That's enough to have most people backpedalling before you can draw your next breath.

I think you should comment on the size of the person rude/stupid enough to be saying such things.
It should illustrate the inappropriateness without the need for further explanation.

I always respond to comments like this as if the person has paid a compliment. So if they say your DD is big, I would respond by saying, Yeah, she's super strong. Her front crawl is amazing!

My DS is quite nerdy - and people love to point it out to me, as if I hadn't noticed! I respond with 'yep, he wants to be a barrister' or 'yes, I am so proud of him' or sometimes 'yeah, he tells me that he has been helping your kid with maths'!

I really like the unhobbity comment @Gliblet and yes you're right the other two methods will have their moments.

@Thingsthatgo that's the sort of thing! Pull the positive out of the comment rather than seeing the negative.

Think of other words like “sturdy” or “robust” and the rest comes down to your tone of voice. A take no shit tone.

Be proud of your own physique and hand that pride down.

Or. “Yep, we don’t get pushed around much.”

Pride. Lots of pride.

I would ignore the comments about being tall, in our society tall children are seen as a good thing so comments about height are usually a compliment.
I would definitely bristle at the word 'big' though. I think I would probably say something along the lines of 'Mary isn't big at all, hahaha, she is perfectly in proportion with her height'.

Yes, I think that’s a good one.

But do whatever you have to to keep your children from being made self-conscious about their bodies (including violence, if necessary). It’s one of the best things you can do for theM.

In response to a “she’s big”, I’d respond “yes, she’s lovely and tall”.
if someone suggested that she’s too heavy etc, I’d respond with “Yes, she’s a healthy weight for her height”.

and if it was particular unpleasant, how about “Oh, shall we do a critique of your appearance next?” Optional add-on “That should be fun”

People are rude. I have no idea about a reply.

If lots of people are commenting on their weight do you think they might have a point?

Maybe something like “yes, we are lucky to come from tall and strong stock” - agree with PP that you need to reply with pride.

My mother would respond his size helps with his job at the zoo.
She stands penguins up when they blow over in the wind.
Years later friends still believed I did that on a weekend.

Presuming you are still tall (not just tall as a child, I mean) I would look between the two of you and say, 'yes-they are tall. I wonder where/can't think where they get it from' with one eyebrow raised and then move on.

People always tell me that I'm not very tall-like I don't know-and presume I am fair game for stupid comments. It's very annoying.

Someone commenting that your DC is tall is fine. I am very tall, and people admire my height.
Commenting on weight is a different ball game though. I'd probably say "yes, they're strong..." Then I'd look at whoever made the comment head to toe and say something like, "You know, you could be strong too if you did some weight training or got into swimming."

Just say "yes, she takes after me"
Eyeball them.

I know somebody who was the only tall and strong girl in a large family where all the other females were small and delicate.

Her brother described her (not cruelly at all) when yet another idiot remarked on how she looked so different from their sisters/mother/aunts/grandmother's as 'Unlike the rest of the women in the family, she's of the same good, strong farming stock as all of us brothers are. She's beautiful but doesn't see it because people focus on how tiny and delicate everybody else is and talk about how different she is all the time, so we'd quite like it to stop'.

She overheard him and spent the rest of the day sobbing because she was so upset by twenty odd years of 'looking like a man/giant beast/it makes me sound like I'm some sort of cow' that even his attempt to halt the comments hurt her.

He switched to a deadpan 'Why are you commenting upon our sisters' bodies?' after that.

Wish somebody had done that as a kid for me, tbh. Being 4 inches taller and 3 shoe sizes larger than the males and 6 inches/8 shoe sizes larger than literally every other female in all of living + another 3 generations wasn't fun, either. Especially as I'm not even tall.

My niece has a similar body type and definitely stands out from the rest of the family. She described herself as athletic.

Had this as a child OP, constant comments about my weight. From blatant nastiness from school peers to more subtlety from adults. I was aware from all angles (even well meaning adults) that I was “fat”. Always seemed to be a big difference in the tone of comments towards very skinny/slim girls - think dainty or a little toot - far more positive.

Talking of which, it’s also apparently more acceptable to comment on the height of tall children like they’re some kind of medical marvel. I’ve never heard at any kids group I went to someone saying to a mum “ wow, look how SHORT your son is” but plenty the other way.

It’s no wonder people grow up with issues and are self conscious. Looking back at photos, I was on the chubby side yes but not the obese child I was made out to be. This has impacted my life to this day.

In response to these comments, I think you need to appear to brush them off and say in a light-hearted mannner to height comments “yes, she’s model material” and to the weight comments “strong, healthy and well-cared for”.

They're not fat by any means, both have washboard stomachs, always busy climbing and out being active! But because they're so tall when people with similar aged children (who are a good head shorter) pick them up it's a bit of an 'ooph you're weightier than I was expecting!!' or 'blimey compared to x you're heavy!!'. It's not meant meanly, but I'm sensitive about it and want to make sure I get the response right to avoid passing on that sensitivity. Hence utilising the hive mind for ideas! Because even if I say 'well of course she's heavy compared to Sally, she's much taller!' it doesn't seem to come out right. They're still little at the moment so I'm sure the implications aren't landing negatively yet, want to keep it that way.

It's tough to fully avoid it tbh, I know I can be guilty of it too. For example we went on a hike with friends recently and their 3 year old was carried almost the whole way. My 3 year old was carried here and there, but certainly nowhere near as much; mainly because she's a good 25cm taller than the other child and stockier to boot so it's a lot more to carry. When she asked why her friend is being carried and she isn't i rarely have words at the tip of my tongue that aren't factual comparisons of the two physiologies of the kids! Think I went with 'your legs are longer and stronger, so you can carry yourself', which didn't land well with the tired 3 year old of course. I think the other little one weighs about the same as mine did when they were 1, far less to carry. It's hard not to mention it, so I do understand the other parents saying it too.

Farming stock was also used for me quite a bit, I hear you. I think it was meant as a compliment but I didn't take it as one.

Then again my siblings also had people commenting on their stature as they're all on the shorter size (we're half siblings, I have taller genes ). So for me I have far more positives in my mind about being short rather than tall. 'Don't get diamonds as big as bricks', 'good things come in small packages'. Every phrase they were given to defend themselves seemed to undo anything positive I'd built up for myself being tall and strong. I'm fine with my body now, but I wasted my 20's wishing I was shorter and slimmer.

Hahahaha! Great one!!

I’d just say “leave her alone”

My MIL used to frequently describe me and DH as 'big people' 😂It's only because she is absolutely tiny as is DH's sister. We are not big at all, just in comparison to her 🙄It used to grate but I quickly learnt to ignore.