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Original poster

Just had to restrain 14 year old Ds

14 replies

DoNutsAreYummy · 26/01/2025 01:37

As the title says really, I’ve had to physically restrain my 14 year old ds tonight after asking him and ds2 to take some rubbish out to the bins.

Ds 2 got up and done it pretty much straight away, Ds 1 came out of his room moaning that he didn’t want to do it saying he will do it later or tomorrow. This is an absolute pattern with him he whines and moans like a toddler and it absolutely grates on me, he done the exact same thing last week when asked to clean his room, what should have been a 20 min job turned into 4 hours of him stomping around the house, being stubborn and standing in my face.

Tonight however I had had enough, so I told him if he couldn’t help around the house he was to turn his computer off and find something else to or get into bed.
Well he completely kicked off again storming around as a toddler would, so I took his phone off of him too. He then tried to grab it back knocking me over and bending my thumb back, then the whole thing turned into a wrestling match him pinning me to the floor hitting and kicking me.

I managed to get up and sit on him restraining him whilst he screaming he wants his phone back, this went on for nearly 2 hours.

I don't even know what to do anymore, I’m so exhausted my whole house is a complete mess and I have no time to clean it properly.
i feel like walking away and not coming back.

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 26/01/2025 01:39

Does he have additional needs?

FoxInTheForest · 26/01/2025 01:43

Does he have demand avoidance in general/autism? If so look up low demand parenting.
Regardless confrontation like that won't help the situation and will normalise physical contact. Try to implement consequences when he has calmed down not when he's in a heightened state already.

Original poster
DoNutsAreYummy · 26/01/2025 01:47

He has no formal diagnosis for Autism, but I have always suspected and had him assessed when he was around 8.
He has always had these types of tantrums when it is something he doesn’t want to do, it could be something as small as asking him to pass the remote control if he doesn’t want to do it he will just stop all communication and act stubborn.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoNutsAreYummy · 26/01/2025 01:49

FoxInTheForest · 26/01/2025 01:43

Does he have demand avoidance in general/autism? If so look up low demand parenting.
Regardless confrontation like that won't help the situation and will normalise physical contact. Try to implement consequences when he has calmed down not when he's in a heightened state already.

Wow! I’ve just looked this up and it describes him to an absolute T.

OP posts:
RunVelma · 26/01/2025 01:53

What was the outcome of the assessment?

RunVelma · 26/01/2025 01:56

There’s a private PDA support group for parents on Facebook.

Search for:
Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) Support Group

It’s well worth checking out. Lots of support and advice from other parents in the same situation.

Guavafish1 · 26/01/2025 01:59

I would change the internet password.

Does he have a father? The teen years are horrible and challenging. It’s better to tackle with 2 people if possible

Original poster
DoNutsAreYummy · 26/01/2025 01:59

They said they didn’t believe he had it. I honestly believe that he was masking and I never had any support from school as he showed zero behaviours whilst there, lockdown with him was hell.
I’m going to speak with our Gp and school on Monday to see if they are able to help.

He is

OP posts:
Original poster
DoNutsAreYummy · 26/01/2025 02:02

Guavafish1 · 26/01/2025 01:59

I would change the internet password.

Does he have a father? The teen years are horrible and challenging. It’s better to tackle with 2 people if possible

He has one, but is as much use as a chocolate teapot always has been with this behaviour I’ve dealt with it on my own for 14 years.
I called him when it happened and there was no answer, he text back an hour ago.

OP posts:
RunVelma · 26/01/2025 02:12

My own DD masked at school. They thought she was a model pupil. School, GP and CAHMS were dismissive. I paid for private testing (the consultant shadowed her at school, spoke with her teachers and met her in our home over a period of months) and that’s how she got her diagnosis.

Getting an official diagnosis isn’t the be all and end all (easy for me to say now we have one, I know). As a parent you know your child better than anyone and if you read up on ASD & PDA you’ll know yourself if this describes your son. It’s worth looking into.

If you think he is PDA, then underneath his anger is a very anxious and vulnerable child. He needs compassion, love and patience (which is bloody difficult at times!). Be kind to him, and yourself.

ByBrickEagle · 26/01/2025 02:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

RunVelma · 26/01/2025 02:27

There’s also lots of resources on social media nowadays - TikTok and Instagram, as well as podcasts (check out ‘The Hidden 20%’ podcast or ‘hidden20podcast’ on Instagram).

Original poster
DoNutsAreYummy · 26/01/2025 17:25

RunVelma · 26/01/2025 02:12

My own DD masked at school. They thought she was a model pupil. School, GP and CAHMS were dismissive. I paid for private testing (the consultant shadowed her at school, spoke with her teachers and met her in our home over a period of months) and that’s how she got her diagnosis.

Getting an official diagnosis isn’t the be all and end all (easy for me to say now we have one, I know). As a parent you know your child better than anyone and if you read up on ASD & PDA you’ll know yourself if this describes your son. It’s worth looking into.

If you think he is PDA, then underneath his anger is a very anxious and vulnerable child. He needs compassion, love and patience (which is bloody difficult at times!). Be kind to him, and yourself.

I try to be as loving and compassionate as I can, sometimes it’s just plain hard, he’s just done the same thing again today trying smash my tv because he can’t have his phone.

I have him one hour of internet today as he had to do his homework when he finished I told him he had to turn it off and he flipped again.

OP posts:
laundryhamper · 14/05/2025 22:23

I am sorry to hear you are having such a tough time.

Can I suggest, if you don’t already have one, getting an internet router that comes with an app so you can remotely control the internet access. I have a Linksys one that lets me set specific times each day for each device in the house that it automatically comes on and off, or I can override it and just turn access off at any time if I need to. I find it easier than having to go into a room and wrestle with a phone or remote control or switch a plug off.

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