Please talk with me

[JD197]

Hi, I have a very lovely 8 year old boy, who can push me to my absolute limits, and then I lose it, and we end up having the biggest arguments. We make eachother cry, scream (literally) at each other, I feel so terrible as a Mum, I have asked for some help with his school, but they are very slow in moving forward, we have had an assessment, again, still waiting for answers. I threw his trainers at him today and one hit him, and he cried, I feel so terrible, as I should be protecting him, and I didnt. I dont know what to do

It sounds like you both need some sort of therapy and classes on how to deal with emotions, the school nurse or GP should be able to help with that

Are you based in the UK OP?
I found this list of organisations that might be of help to you.
www.careforthefamily.org.uk/support-for-you/family-life/parent-support/parent-support-organisations/

Hand hold. It's difficult at times and there isn't a parent that hasn't lost their temper, raised their voice or made their child get upset at least once.

I apologised to my son (7) on the drive to school last week because I had got up late and hadn't organised my stuff so I was rushing and shouting at him to hurry and stuff which none of it was his fault.

Is it just the both of you? I think taking 5 minutes away helps. A breather and return when you feel a tiny bit better. What sort of things are pushing you over the edge?

Thank you. I absolutely adore him btw, I guess that is why I feel so terrible inside. I just wish he would listen, and sadly he doesnt.

Time for a frank conversation with yourself to understand what you know about your own self, emotions and triggers and what in him is triggering you to be reactive. If you can't work it through on your own a therapist can help. You're not a bad mum if you were you wouldn't recognise you need help.

Absolutely understand what your saying, I will try and work things out in my head. I just want him to have the best life, and enjoy every moment. I just feel at the moment I am making him unhappy because of me.

Its not just me, my husband as well. He is very laid back, and ensures me not to worry.

He is, you're a good mum that comes across very clearly here. Every family goes through patches where it's not great and the pressure at the moment to be perfect is ridiculous. Truth time, parents are human, parents shout, get cross, and get things wrong. Ignore the pressure to be perfect and ignore the corners or society that tells you never to lose your shit because your child won't get off Roblox and tidy their room after the 9th time of asking... It won't damage your child to know they've pushed you too far.

You need to contact your local family support service. You should be able to refer yourself into them. These are preventative services ( and not social services). Your local council should provide a service like this. If you have local children's charities, they should too. Banardoes near me had excellent services. I was surprised by how much support was out there once I got into the system.

As you know, this is not just about what diagnosis your son may or may not end up with, but about support for you to be able to manage and cope. The family services will help with that.

Good luck OP

He's right don't worry. Work together on this, even if there is an underlying cause a diagnosis alone won't help you manage his behaviour you still need to understand what to do, how to do it and keep your own emotions in check.

have the best life and enjoying every moment

This is far too much pressure to put on him and on you. He cannot live up to this and he should not have to.

Thank you for making me feel a bit better. I am hoping today when he comes home from school, we can have a talk and air things. I make sure to always apologise each time I get cross, but your right, its ok to let him know he did push me too far, and I spent most of the morning crying in the staff toilets! 😢

Gently OP, please do not tell him you spent the morning crying in the staff toilets. He is not responsible for your emotional reactions. He is far, far tooyoung to have your tears laid on his shoulders.

When things were bad with my kids, I would say, ' I did feel angry when you did XX, but that is no excuse for how I behaved. I am the adult and it was my job to stay calm and I didn't, and I am sorry about that. I should never have behaved as I did to you.' Its important for children to learn that being able to regulate your own emotions is possible and desirable. The learn the opposite lesson if we blame them for how we reacted.

The Inuit (eskimos) apparently rarely get angry. When their children fight or fall out, they wait till the children are calm and then get them to act out what happened, but this time responding in a different way to get a different and better outcome. Through this they actively learn how to handle things better. Maybe you and your son could try something like this together.