Tell me to pull myself together

[deflatedbirthday]

I'm in a funk and I just can't seem to pull myself out of it over the past week or so.

There is a lot going on but I'm usually so much more able to cope than I am right now.

My lovely FIL is terminally ill. He was given 3-6 months to live in November. On top of that he had an emergency operation on Boxing Day, on related to his terminal illness, and now has life changing effects from that. I have taken on caring for him from a physical perspective - it's my job and I feel I should help practically because I can and I am happy to.

DH family are in turmoil. There is so much to sort out to ensure all of FIL wishes are respected where possible and practicable.

I'm having surgery myself in February and after my preoperative assessment I've gone from a day case to an overnight stay. I'm worried about this and although I know it's necessary it's an hour from home and I seem to be ruminating on it.

I have a lovely DH, DSC who give me so much joy and we have just moved into a new home which we have just finished decorating. I love my job.

I've gradually felt more and more down, emotional and anxious over the past week. Today I woke up with visual aura, a sure sign a migraine will follow, and had to call into work which I hate.

I really need to pull my socks up and get a grip. I'm no use to anyone like this.

You need to build in some down time, not pull your socks up. It will get a much better result.

No you don't. You need to take some long moments to just stop. You're carrying a huge load. Make it into chunks and deal with them. You live with adults, they can cope without you for a day and overnight so stop worrying about that. Other people can look after your FIL full stop never mind while you're in hospital.

You need time to rest before and after your procedure otherwise the recovery will take a lot longer.

I’m not going to tell you to pull yourself together because you have an enormous amount to feel stressed about and worried about. Be kind to yourself. Get through every day as you will need to but be kind to yourself too. What that looks like will be different for everyone. For me, it means scaling back on social engagements so I can get enough sleep, eating really well and having nice baths with a book. Reading rather than scrolling on my phone etc. Cuddles with those I love. Talking through the challenges.
sorry you are having a rough time

Sorry hit send before completing and so that seemed blunt. I was also going to say, acknowledge that you are doing a very good and kind thing by taking on his care.

Sounds like too much is going on.

You’re going in for an operation and will need time to recoperate afterwards. Time to get alternative care in place for FIL now.

Would you tell a friend dealing with all that to pull their socks up and get a grip??!

I think a little processing time would help. Sounds like a lot is going on and it will affect how you feel.

Take some time out if you can. Only do the essentials. Talk to someone about how you're feeling.

You need time out to decompress and process all the shit you have going on, not to pull your socks up and crack on. Go easy on yourself and allow yourself to be looked after a little too.

You have your own health concerns at the moment, and it is no good running yourself into the ground until you reach breaking point. Caring as a job is one thing, caring for a family member is something else entirely, as you are finding out. The emotional strain is overwhelming and you cannot switch off.

Please talk to your family, because things need to be put in place so that your FIL can be cared for by others whilst you have your own health to consider. The sooner this happens the better.

You put your own life jacket on first OP. Always

Thank you all. I won't lie I'm sat here in tears reading all the comments. I know each and every single one is true. And it's the advice I would give. Why is it so hard to tell yourself?!

You've burnt out OP. You can't carry this weight for a bit. Your FILs needs need to be divvied up amongst his family.

If you don't, you'll have a complete wobbly.

Thank you all. I won't lie I'm sat here in tears reading all the comments. I know each and every single one is true. And it's the advice I would give. Why is it so hard to tell yourself?!

Because when you are in a caring situation that you are emotionally involved in (as distinct from a pure job) you are prioritising the person you care for above yourself.

It happens ALL the time. You aren't alone but it does result in carer burn out.

Classic example is making sure the person cared for has perfectly balanced meals, eats well but then the carer end up eating a chocolate bar and a slice of toast at midnight because they've had no time to do anything.

There are two big problems in this situation

one is when you are dealing with a terminal situation, the temptation is to think l this is precious time with them, I'll push on, won't be long and then I've got the rest of my life to have a break. The trouble with this is that you don't know how much time there will be and if you crack before then, you may find you literally can't provide anything at all when it matters. Say you want to go to the hospital to say your last goodbyes but you can't because you are so unwell yourself you can't get there.

the other is that although you know you need a break and it will help, you can't quite bring yourself to organise it because the organisation seems too overwhelming because you are exhausted. You are lucky you have a DH around to help you so I'd start with that or any wider family.

Hugs to you. It's all terrible that sort of situation and it's literally about getting through it.

That said, when it's all over, you will be so proud of yourself and what you did. For many people, caring for someone they love to give them the best quality of life in their own home at the end of their life, for the carer it will be one of, if not, the greatest achievment of their life because it is pure love. It is a gift given totally through love and voluntarily without obligation (unlike say caring for children which once you have children is a socially expected as well as legal obligation). It is very selfless and makes a huge difference to the life of another person out of all proportion.

Agree with all the comments that you’ve got so much going on, be kind to yourself!

Can you take a bit of time out for yourself each day, just 5 or 10 mins if that is all you can manage? Try meditation or breath work or just simply “be”.

I really recommend Davina McCall’s podcast “Begin Again”. She’s had some lovely conversations with others, particularly women, about how we need to take better care of ourselves. Her conversation with Dr Rangan Chatterjee was a real eye opener for me personally and it inspired me to start listening to his podcast and get his latest book which has really helped me take a look at my own life.

If you have time take a listen: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/begin-again-with-davina-mccall/id1773104705?i=1000680927445