I need help and I have nobody to talk to.

[CompRR]

I'm deeply unhappy in my relationship and I don't know if I need help mentally or if I need to leave. I question myself daily. My partner makes me question everything.

It's been like this since we had out first child during the height of covid, spent months alone in High Dependency Paediatrics and couldn't even be in there together with our newborn due to covid rules. We went on to have a second child but nothing truly got better. I had a 4b tear after my second child and my body isn't the same and I have no desire at all to be sexual.

I feel like daily he picks and me, puts me down and generally talks down to me. He says I'm rude and argumentative and take everything to heart.

In the past I had anger issues and lashed out at him but I know he's kept a record and messages where we've argued and says he'll use these against me if I try to take our 2 children away from him. I wouldn't want to do that to them and would want an equal split as losing the kids for even a fraction of time would kill me but I know deep down it would hurt them more not to see both parents.

The mortgage is in his name and we've racked up 6k of debt on a credit card in my name doing work to the house. He earns a big wage and I work part time with very little left over after paying nursery fees for the days I do work.

I'm scared he'll use everything in my past against me and he had a wealthy family who would help him financially achieve whatever he wants at any cost.

I don't know where to even begin to explore if it's a me thing or an us thing. I just really need some help. My family are an hour away, I have no friends anymore and I was previously divorced as my exhusband cheated on me which divided a lot of friends I once had anyway. I feel so lonely and like the only reason to keep ploughing on are my two gorgeous children, but if my partner takes them where does that leave me?

Am I really unwell? How do I know if I am?

I don't think you're unwell love, well not in the way you think. A relationship like that is bound to make you depressed and resentful, you deserve better and your kids deserve better. He might try and use your past against you but it's in the past and not the present so it doesn't matter.
You shouldn't be paying for the nursery days just so you can work, you're entitled to half the money coming into that house and if you leave him you're entitled to half of everything.
I'm not much use with legal advice and the like but I couldn't just leave you with no responses.

I was unhappy and didn’t know if it was me or him.

I went to see a private therapist and asked her this exact question. At the end of the first session she told me it was him. IF you are married to someone who emotionally abuses you, this is why you will end up feeling so confused.

Please seek outside help from a trained professional- you will just go around in circles until you do.

I have divorced and it was hell at the time. My only regret was not doing it sooner. But once you know it isn’t you causing problems, the decisions that need to be taken are so much easier.

I have a strong suspicion that you’ll start feeling a lot better when you’re out of this relationship!

In the past I had anger issues and lashed out at him but I know he's kept a record and messages where we've argued and says he'll use these against me if I try to take our 2 children away from him How angry are we talking here? And was it you being excessively angry for no reason? Or was he winding you up, ready to start recording the second you snapped?

I think that a solicitor’s appointment has to be your first point of call. You need legal advice on your exact circumstances and to work out what your options are.

GP (for MH support, naturally and understandably your MH has been affected by your not-so-D P).
Women's Aid.
Solicitor.

Any single friend or family member you can reach out to.

3, maybe 4 calls to make. One by one. You can tackle this. Life does not have to be this way for you and your children.

You poor soul, it's not mental illness, you are being subtly manipulated and gaslit into believing this is the case.
Your partner is not a good man. You and your children deserve better.
Do you have any access to wellbeing services through your job?
Make an appointment with your GP to discuss your low mood. Talk to your health visitor if you have one. Women's Aid will help you plan an exit strategy.

You don't have to live like this.
Sending you positive vibes and strength 💐

I feel like I was extremely reactive, beyond that I have no excuses. I've lashed out and hit him on 3 separate occasions and I once got so angry I pushed his 75" TV over and it smashed the screen. I have no defense for myself in these instances as I know I should have just walked away rather than react. I do that now but generally he either follows me saying he wants to resolve things or if I leave the house he tells me I'm a bad mother abandoning my children even though I believe they are truly safe with him and I just need space to clear my thoughts and work out how to respond to further add fire to arguments.

My head tells me it's really not me, but my heart questions have I done everything to know it's not? If I am mentally unwell would I actually know I am? And what is wrong with me and how do I resolve it?

I have a GP appointment booked in February, the earliest appointment I could get as I have ongoing gynaecology issues and I know I'll have to raise my feelings there as this is the only way to start things moving to work out is it me.