What income do I need to survive as a single mum (trying to leave DV partner)?

[ShuffleShuffleSpin]

Hi all,

I am trying to leave my partner due to his DV.

He is a fairly high earner (earns over £150k before taxes). He has maintained total control over the family income since I stayed home to have our children. I am not able to see his accounts and he gives me an allowance to my personal bank account. He pays all bills despite my telling him I would like to help manage this for years.

because I am originally from another country and came to the U.K. as a student, I have not lived here on my own outside of student accommodation. I am therefore trying to figure out what typical bills would be living on my own with my DC and how much I need to earn in to afford this.

I have a bank account and credit cards which I always pay off. I used to have my own mobile phone but my partner convinced me to give it up and get a family plan phone in his name after I stayed home to have our children and before I figured out that he is an abuser (he has shoved me, thrown objects at me, tried to disguise most of it as “accidents” except for a few very overt acts of violence - he always says he is angry about something that has nothing to do with me and I just happen to be near - except for one time, when he overtly shoved me bc I failed to read his mind and anticipate he wanted something he hadn’t told me about).

Currently, I am working part time and earn £2k per month after taxes. I can most likely increase my hours after I leave my partner, but it would be very tricky to make that happen while I am still with him. I am there for all of my children’s pick ups and most drop offs.

I live in a fairly expensive area (similar to London / Oxford / Bristol prices). I have seen homes for rent in the £1400 range for a 2-3 bedroom house on the outskirts of where I live, or a flat farther in.

I have three children under age 10.

I believe that I would be entitled to at least half of the value of our home after divorce, but I have no ideal how long all of that will take or where my partner will cooperate at all, so I need to be prepared to support myself.

anything you can tell me about what is needed to set up a home in the uk and how much is sufficient to earn month would be great. I am trying to get rid of all of the hurdles that I can and confront my fears so that I can convince myself I can survive after a divorce.

So on your earnings you will be fine! Universal credit will also support you. Best thing to do is contact womensaid and they will help you to get sorted and straight. Citizens advice is also great. Speak with them as soon as you can and think about reporting to the police - you will then be able to get additional support including legal aid, along with things like an occupation order if appropriate to buy you time and help get things in order! Good luck. I let fear of my financial situation get in the way of leaving sooner but I promise you will be fine x

Entitledto.co.uk is a useful website to help understand what support you may qualify for.

But please please please contact WomensAid, who can give you specific advice for your situation. Your main concern here is to keep yourself safe while you plan next steps. You're doing the right thing. You'll be OK. Good luck.

Thank you so much. That is encouraging. I will need to try Citizens Advice and ask them to walk me through what typical bills would be. I am imagining phone, electric, gas, water, rent or mortgage, council tax, transportation, supermarket costs, clothing. Does this sound correct for the bare minimum?

It’s encouraging to know you were able to do just fine. I did speak to Women’sAid a while ago. I also did report my partner to police and they offered to arrest him at the time - it shocked me and I simply wasn’t prepared. I also worried about what would happen or what he would do if, for example, he contested the charges and there wasn’t enough evidence. I imagined myself homeless. I know shelters exist but it was all just tooo much to compute at the time.

Oh my love! You can do this! You've pretty much listed the outgoings but one thing I learnt quickly is that every single utility bill can be negotiated. If you explain your circumstances, if you claim universal credit, they will happily and easily reduce tariffs and rates for you. You've just gotta swallow your pride a bit on it, but I promise you, you will be fine.
Consider the police again too, have a look at the rental market, enter your details into a universal credit calculator recommended on the .gov website.
You'll get a council tax deduction also for being the only adult in the house.

Thank you. I will check that out. I had assumed I would not be entitled to Universal Credit. If I am entitled to it, should I take it? What if I opt not to in the interests of trying to cover the bases myself by increasing my work hours as soon as I leave my partner? Would that be frowned on? Apologies if that sounds like a foolish question.

Not silly no. Calculate with your currents hours and wages and then increase to your estimates wage if you want to. I'd say take it for now but depends on how you feel. But you're gonna need to be gentle on yourself and probably not going to be able to up your work hours straight after a separation and setting up a new home for you and your children.

It's entitled to.com on the website because that's what you will be entitled to. You will need the help financially with childcare etc. If the time comes get the help.

Ok. This makes sense. I also can’t say for certain that my now-husband won’t help me financially. But I am afraid to count on it and I certainly can’t live with him after I say I want a divorce. He might also surprise me by agreeing to leave our family home. But his words to me have usually been “are you going to walk?” And “if you don’t like it, leave!!!!” When I asked for him to speak in a kinder voice. So I have to be prepared to support myself. If someone has been totally unreasonable around money during the marriage, I can’t suddenly expect him to be fair upon divorce. I hope he surprises me by being reasonable … but I certainly can’t count on it. He is also self-employed. He always files his tax return and is income is the same now that he is self employed as if was when he was PAYE employed, but I keep hearing about self-employed men making sure their wife gets nothing upon divorce. So I am thinking selling the house might be my only hope of getting anything when we divide assets.

You will be fine on that income. I would recommend getting a smaller rental place to start with and after the divorce is done you can think again.

Don't forget he will have to pay you maintenance unless he has the kids 50/50. Have a look at the child maintenance calculator and see what you would get for the children from soon to be ex.

I don’t know much about the financial aspects but I have read on here numerous times that the most dangerous time for a woman is when she’s decided to leave so please contact Women’s Aid and get support with this. Wishing you all the best.

Yes. Your income is pretty good for a part time job outside London with that level of flexibility too.
You’ll probably need a bit of money up front for the first year or so. Do you have deposit and furniture money if you end up leaving?

Thank you so much. Yes, I agree and am very grateful for my job and its flexibility.

i don’t have enough for a deposit yet - i will aim to save that up. I also don’t have enough for furniture. I am sure I would be content with used furnishings and pieces from free cycle to start with, so as long as it’s hygienic, I will try to minimise that expense. That is good thinking. More reasons to save up a small cushion.

A small cushion is best however not always possible. I imagine it's escalated/ had a really bad event recently to prompt you to leave. I don't know your situation but if you speak to the police there are all sorts of grants for people who have suffered financial abuse. I may get slayed for this, but have a good look around your home. I bet there's more than one sofa and perhaps a guest bed you can take with you - any upcoming business trips where you can get out and take some stuff with you?

My husband has a trip planned (just him) about 8 weeks from now. So it’s a while.

Regarding the escalation, it really happened last autumn and into January of last year. There were some episodes of him breaking items near my head (at head height) and acting like it shouldn’t be a big deal and insisting it had nothing to do with me. That happened twice within a few weeks and literally made me dizzy. Then he broke things around the house and I asked him to address whatever was going on and told him he was scary and he acted like I was making a big deal of nothing. I tried to leave shortly after this, with our children. It didn’t work as I could not get a refuge place. My husband agreed to leave our home for a while so I could come home. (I knew he would come back after a short time and he did). That got his attention and he swore he would address the issues. But even then, he has had episodes of acting out. When he threw a drawer about a month ago he again acted like it was no big deal AND I felt dizzy in the moment and my chest was tight for days. I realised I simply cannot physically do this any more. My body doesn’t trust him at all.

You can rent a furnished place. There's usually little difference in the cost. Especially as it will not be long term while you sort out finances in the divorce.
That way you'll probably just need to sort out beds for the kids.

Best of luck.

You'll be fine. You'll get UC and on his wage, a big chunk (hopefully) of maintenance. I survive on less on my own with DC and still manage a holiday a year. Just have to be frugal!

Also, get in contact with Refuge when you leave. They run the domestic abuse helpline now (not women's aid) and can help you with a safety plan. I did this and their support was invaluable.

cpag.org.uk/news/cost-child-2024

www.jrf.org.uk/a-minimum-income-standard-for-the-united-kingdom-in-2024

Here are a couple of links that may be useful.

Roughly, £28,000 plus the additional costs of the three children, minus any child support you get, but adjust that upwards if you're in a high housing cost area.

You said you came to the UK as a student, depending on your immigration status you may have no recourse to public funds which means you wouldn’t get universal credit. Please speak to Women’s Aid and also to a lawyer who understands immigration, unless you’ve taken UK citizenship it would be unusual to have an access to public funds. Social work can sometimes help if you don’t have recourse to public funds - with grants for essentials if you do need to leave.

Thank you for that - I am a UK citizen now. I have dual citizenship with the U.K. and the country of my birth, so thankfully I should have recourse to public funds now. But for many years, that was not the case. And no being a citizen did add to the feelings of vulnerability I had around trying to leave my marriage.

This is extremely helpful information. Thank you 🙏