Sorry if this turns out to be long but I am trying to 'find' myself right now and am on a desperate quest to feel better than I currently do.
I started a thread a few weeks ago asking for help regarding my myriad of chronic health issues. I had lots of great suggestions for the possible cause of these ongoing issues (seen many doctors but still struggling). I am aware that some issues such as my endometriosis are most probably not caused by anything psychological but I did have a couple of replies suggesting that my problems could have resulted from my past and they asked about my childhood. My knee-jerk response was, and always has been that I have had no issues from my childhood at all and it was in fact great (and I still believe that in many ways).
But I am now poking deeper into my thoughts over this and am beginning to think this poster correct, as much as I don't want to admit that. I do currently hold a lot of anger inside me and am wondering if this is stagnating and causing my issues?
My issues are high anxiety, depression and dreadful digestive issues which are really troublesome at the moment no matter what I try. I will try to link the OP but I am not good at this.
I have always felt that my younger sister is my father's favoured child (it's just my sister and I). I was very close to my mum and we had a good relationship. I would say I had a great relationship with my dad too but now I am older I see him for what he is. He is really quite self-centred, always has been. Both my parents are only children and had full attention from both sets of parents (my dad was very spoiled by my nan and she never really liked my mum). They have never had to struggle for money and until recently have enjoyed good health, had lots of holidays, weekends away, new cars, outings with friends most weekends etc. I believe they had a golden life and when my grandparents died they had lots of inheritance having no siblings to split it with, this has made them very well off. My dad has spent the last 20 years going out on his motorbike, spending several days a week on the golf course and weekends out with my mum and their friends. Now mum is unwell, all he does is moan that his life is over, he says this is not what he envisioned for his retirement. He is 84, not quite sure he thought he was going to be doing at this age. He is fortunate in many ways as he is in good health and many people don't reach this age. He has hundreds of thousands in the bank. I he doesn't have to worry about heating bills or cutting back on food etc. I totally understand who crap this must be for him hence to reason I am at theirs 4-5 days a week to help but never once, ever, does he acknowledge that his current situation is affecting my sister and I as well. He hates spending any of his money of care for my mum and only just about shells out for a carer in the mornings and for mum's day centre visits twice a week (this is despite half of this cost being paid for by mum's attendance allowance).
When I was growing up I had lots of mental health issues from a small child. I imagine some of this is hereditary and/or learned behaviour as my mum always had anxiety issues, as did her parents.
I had ocd as a young girl and would develop fears over certain things. For instance, a primary school friend told me if you cut your wrist you would bleed to death. I was too young to understand this fully so my brain would imagine a simple nick or scrape to the wrist would result in death so as a result of these fears I kept my wrists covered and hated touching them (still do) but my dad would find this funny and if I walked passed him when he was in the kitchen cutting something with a knife he would grab my wrist and use the blunt side to pretend to saw at my wrist. It goes without saying this left me horrified. I developed many ocd's and anxieties over the years and my dad in particular would tease me over these rather than try to quell my fears. I was born in 1973, I understand few people would take their children to see a mental health expert at this time but I always feel no one helped me make sense of my anxieties and feel this lead me to go on to have bigger mental health issues as a child and further on into adulthood.
Then there is my sister. I love my sister but I feel she has always been my dad's favourite, they have the same juvenile sense of humour and I have always been more serious. My sister has done many stupid things in her life such as having an affair with a married man with kids (still with him), getting into dept and giving away her inheritance to someone she was in a relationship with but my parents have always bailed her out. I have been with my dh since the age of 16 and they have never helped me. (we got a food mixer for our wedding present). Even now with all of my health issues my dad had never offered to help even though he has all that money yet now mum has dementia he calls upon me to help all the time.
He is fully aware of my current health struggles yet simply says 'You've seen loads of people, no one can help you' yet as soon as he has even the slightest of health issues it's all I hear about. Yesterday, he called me in a panic asking me to get him into the GP (despite me having an appointment myself as I have had a awful stomach issues the last two weeks), all because he had cut his finger whilst making dinner. It was a cut, not a nice one but nothing a plaster and a few days of healing won't sort out but no, I was expected to drop everything and sort out his finger.
Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 7 years ago and for the last 5 years I have been helping them out all the time but deep down I feel angry I suppose. I truly feel they haven't done a lot for me over the years, my two dc are their only gc and although they used to have them over in the daytime they only had them overnight a few times (dc are now 20 and 18). They were well behaved kids but they never seemed to want them to stay over (luckily my lovely mil did from time to time). In fact around 10 years ago they were due to have them for 2 nights so dh and I could go away for our wedding anniversary. The day before my dad rang up to say he couldn't have them because his shoulder hurt. We had to cancel the weekend and ended up losing our money. Yet they have bailed out my sister loads and even bought her partner a car when he left his wife and kids for my sister.
I could go on but I know this is too long already but my question really is, could I be holding all of this in? Could my chronic physical issues really be as a result of all of this? My husband thinks so and he has always told me my family are selfish.
I don't know what to think tbh and I suppose deep down I don't want to admit this as I truly thought my childhood was great and I really do love my parents.
The problem is that I don't know how to address this. I am currently not working due to my health issues so have no funds for psychological help. I have had many cbt sessions via the NHS over the years but they are short and many of the therapists are in training, I feel this would be something I would need to see a seasoned professional for?