School friendships drifting apart - y5

[driftingintheair]

Has anyone else had their DC’s friendships drift apart around y4-5? DS(9) is becoming increasingly sad that the boys don’t want to play with him anymore, tell him to go away and that he can’t play with them, if playing ‘It’ they pretend he never tagged a person when he did, or that there is no room left in the game for another person (the boy who says this the most was his best friend).

He had a group of about 5 friends from Reception but in y4 he was completely separated from all of his friends when they shuffle the classes each year (3-form entry school). After a few months his friends drifted away from him, and ever since, now in y5, he drifts around from group to group mainly playing with girls. That’s fine of course but he says he wants to play more with the boys as the girls bicker too much.

We were told in y3 that he was well-liked and respected by his peers but who knows what they think now. This week a boy on his new table in class (they shuffle the groups regularly) apparently said to him “oh they didn’t tell me I’d be on the same table as Pluto.” DS was a bit upset when he told me but I had to ask what does that mean - apparently the planet Pluto is the furthest and smallest away from the other planets and has no friends, and the implication is that is what DS is (I’ve never heard of this analogy before).

He does clubs outside of school but has not made any friends at these; he’s looking so sad, doesn’t want me to mention him being worried about lack of friends to the teacher as it will make him look like a snitch, he says.

What can we do other than encourage him to approach other groups of boys to play, etc?

He has been expressing worry about going to secondary school and if anyone will want to be his friend.

We are having similar issues too. I think at this age you need to be guided by what DC wants as long as it doesn’t turn into bullying, and encourage him to approach other groups to play with.

Will he be back with his friends for year 6? I think you could ask the school to do that if this is affecting him this badly. I hate class mixing, there will always be winners, but also a lot of losers. Just leave the kids with their friends!

@OolongTeaDrinker we have no idea for y6 who he will be with as the school mix the classes and don’t consult with parents beforehand. Now in y5 he is back in the same class as his former best friend but it appears the damage was done when they were separated for y4, along with the rest of his friends.

The school don’t allow parental input into class mixing unless there is a bullying situation, which I do understand and support. We have had meetings with the Senco and teachers a few times and DH said to them that separating him from every single friend of DS’ has been terrible for him. They wrote the comment down but whether they take it on board for y6 who knows.

All I know is that I have a very sad boy who sometimes doesn’t want to go to school.

That all sounds so difficult for your son. Are they allowed to play football at lunch? At that age, DS’s year all wanted to play football, but it was dependent on someone bringing in a ball to use - whoever brought a ball in was usually very popular! Would that be an option?

The school pay for a football coach to come every lunchtime from the local club and a lot of boys go to that I believe; DS is not at all good at football and hates it, and when he did try to join in a while ago he got a lot of nasty comments from other kids about him being useless. He probably has dyspraxia (waiting for assessment, hence the Senco meetings) which can typically make team sports difficult.

The thing is that some of his old friends, including the former best friend, don’t play football so when they exclude him his pool of potential friends grows even smaller.

I'm really sorry that sounds so tough for your ds (and you). It's horrible seeing your dc unhappy.

I do think it is quite typical for friends to drift apart, especially if their interests aren't aligned, which becomes more apparent as they get older. I'd speak to the teacher/ senco again as some of the things you've said that has been said to him are unkind . Are there any other lunchtime clubs he could join?

I think just reassure your ds that it is normal, and he hasn't done anything wrong and that he will likely have different friends at different times throughout his life. Secondary school can be a better experience for friendships as there is a bigger pool of kids.

What's his social skills like generally? Is he confident initiating with other kids, starting and keeping a conversation going?

I think you do need to mention this to school, but maybe more from the perspective 'my son is struggling to make and maintain friendships' and whether they cam support it.

It might feel less like snitching then. Although I actually feel the excluding and name calling does need calling out and an adult to explain to the others the impact it has. But I understand your boys worry here.

Secondary mixes stuff up a lot and he may well find it much better.

Friendship at school with boys that age is often based around football, and if not football then computer games.

I haven't worked in primary for a while now but in my day it was Minecraft and robox.

As your DS is not interested in/not good at football it might be worth trying the computer games tack. What's popular at the moment?

It's normal. Friendships develop , Interests change at that age. Encourage new hobbies and clubs

This happened to our eldest and it”s hard.
As kids grow their personalities sine through. Ex-best friend is a bully, basically, perhaps the teachers could see that when they split them up.

The other kids will change as well, as kids get older they look at bullying more for what it is.

We had to build up our eldest daily for years.

He needs to look forward not back, his old friends are not very pleasant now, he is just their kick about person to enjoy being horrible to. Play with the girls, go to chess club or dodgeball at lunchtime. It’s a three form a year school, there are other people to hang out with it just might take some time to find them.

And you will have to pick up the pieces if need be every single day. It’s heartbreaking it really is but what choice do you have?

Our eldest is sitting GCSEs in summer, he’s confident, smart, has no time for “roadmen” as they are called. Doesn’t use or has any interest in social media, has a best mate, group in school, had a teenage crush relationship, does sport and volunteers, has a part time job, working towards decent grades, is polite, fun, respectful and applying to colleges, looking to go to uni and with hard work and luck hopefully a meaningful, content, ambitious adult life ahead of him.

In contrast, the youngster met his best mate first day of reception, were never in the same class again, are in different secondary schools and are still bessies, friends stay friends if they want to.

It”s soul crushing, you can’t be happy when your child is sad, all you can do is keep him going, find the good things.

There are lighter days ahead OP.

Posters saying can he go back with his friends next year, I don’t see that they are friends anymore.
They call him Pluto and exclude him from tag at lunchtime. It sounds like they feel more like top cocks because they have a scapegoat.

I wouldn’t encourage him to pursue these old friendships.

School can’t make people be friends with each other. He might have to find another way.

@stanleypops66 thanks for your reply, and his social skills are generally pretty good. He is fairly confident I think such as he is happy to go to a holiday club occasionally by himself. School have never said that he’s got any annoying or unkind behaviours either which might put other kids off him.

@Octavia64 he loves gaming, has a Switch and is particularly into Minecraft and Star Wars gaming. He likes Roblox to a lesser extent and is linked up to some kids at school but it’s not often they are all on at the same time.

@frozendaisy thanks for sharing your experience, and yes, I think we need to gently start planting the idea that his old best friend really isn’t a good friend anymore as he tells him to go away etc.

I will ask the school if there are any lunchtime clubs but as far as I know it’s only football, as the school are very good with their communications so I would know if there was. There are quite a few after-school clubs but due to the external ones that he does he’s only occasionally ever done a school one due to time clashes. They had a Minecraft one which he enjoyed but it’s full at the moment so maybe will try for that next term.

@Frowningprovidence I think I will have a chat to DH about contacting the school using the approach you’ve suggested. Obviously you can’t force people to play with you but they may have some ideas. He is playing with some girls but he gets fed up of their squabbling and there is usually one in tears about something, so he says anyway.

Encourage your DS to seek out new friendships at school and as a pp said, not look backwards at his old friends. Some of them don’t sound very nice anymore. There is bound to be a few other kids open to new friendships in a 3-form entry school.

If the name calling continues then I think I’d have a quiet word with the teacher, but frame it that DS is struggling with friendships and some kids don’t seem kind to him sometimes.

Just an update - DS’ teacher has been off work following an operation so I haven’t been able to speak to him. Tonight he has been sobbing saying he is so lonely, his former best friend pretty much ignores him, the boys exclude him from playing IT etc. I’ve talked through so many times about searching for new friends and stop seeking to play with those who like to exclude you, but it feels like I’m up against a brick wall.

Over the past couple of months we’ve noticed that he is easily upset, moody, cries about what seems like trivial things, and from
the things he says it feels like his self-esteem has hit rock bottom - he has started saying I’m useless, I have no friends, I’m pathetic, I can’t do anything right etc.

Honestly, I’m so angry with the school for separating him from his 5 friends in y4. While I get why schools mix classes, removing him from every single friend feels bloody awful (no known issues with DS being disruptive with his old friends in class etc, or any reason why these parents may have requested their DS not be in a class with ours).

No idea if his teacher will be back after half-term due to surgery recovery, but I have a child who increasingly doesn’t want to go to school and whose self-esteem appears to be on the floor and no one to turn to 🙁

It sounds like bullying to me (the behaviour in the playground; the reference to Pluto. I’d get the school onto this right away.

i think the tween years can be difficult for friendships. I would try to buoy him up with plenty of love, attention, time and activities with immediate and extended family, or family friends so there is plenty of social activity going on without the pressure being on him himself to make new friends, either at school or in his extracurricular activities.

@Mandarinaduck thank you, yes we will try and buoy him up as much as possible as you suggested. We are quite worried about how he is saying I’m useless/pathetic/ etc and frequent bouts of crying and being bad tempered.

I will speak to his teacher when he’s back hopefully after half-term. DS is a friendly and quite confident child, happy to go places by himself ie holiday club occasionally, has done extra tennis sessions in the holidays etc. He does Cubs and three sporting activities a week plus swim lessons but has never made new friends at those.

He has just told me that he told the teacher on some children who were swearing f-this and calling each other f-ing bitch etc, so the children got told off and somehow knew it was him who told and they called him a snitch. I have told him that while technically he is in the right, it is not his place at school to police other children’s swearing and he will get a snitch reputation and he’s not to do that again because it won’t help with making friends etc.

I remember your post. You say the Senco has been involved for another reason so maybe include him/her in when contacting the school because they might offer ELSA support for his self-esteem, as well as strategies for making new friends. In a 3-form entry school there must be some other children whose friendships are wavering too and would like someone to be friends with.

I would also firmly tell him not to tell staff about relatively minor things like swearing as it definitely won’t make him popular.

There are two things here

1. The old ex best friend - it does sound like he is being pushed out. You could approach the school and ask them to intervene. This will mean speaking to the boys who are excluding him. It may work but not necessarily. Forcing kids to be friends isn't that successful. It may be that the old ex best friend is the more popular boy in the group. The pluto comment is nasty though and suggests that there is bullying here.

1. Encouraging new friends. Your ds needs to let go of the idea that old best friend is a person to want to be friends with. This is very difficult but is probably what needs to happen in the long run.

DS’ teacher is finally back at school and I’ve sent him a message to see if the school can advise or support with his friendships. Realistically though what can/will the teacher do, if anything? You can’t force kids to play together, and nor should you.

Weirdly, his x-BF has invited him to his birthday dinner and there is only the two of them going from school.

DS is so down that I’m getting quite worried. Last night at Cubs they did an activity at a local sports venue which he would have ordinarily loved and he spent the whole time looking like he was about to cry. He made no effort at the activity so of course the other kids started to exclude him, so sadly it can all become a self-fulfilling prophecy because he’s not making connections with the others.

He looks so listless and miserable when I dropped him off at school this morning.

For the Easter break we have persuaded him to try 2-3 different holiday clubs, one being tennis which he does weekly, in the hope that he might meet others.