A hand-hold needed this evening....

[TheRealGossipGirl]

I could do with a bit of support this evening as I'm feeling a bit down.

I live with my elderly parents – my mum is wheelchair-bound and my sister struggles with her mental health and has some learning difficulties. She receives funding which is put towards attending a course every Monday, which my dad takes her to (she doesn’t have the capacity to go on her own). My mum also goes along sometimes, so while my sister is at her course, my parents tend to just shop around or sit in a café. That was the plan today, but I noticed they came home later than usual. When they did arrive, my dad, very calmly, mentioned that he'd had an accident. Apparently, he was stationary on a roundabout because his exit was blocked, and the other exit was gridlocked too. When traffic finally started moving for the second exit, a car drove round and scraped his car. They exchanged details, of course.

My parents and sister seemed fine, but when my mum was telling me about it, she mentioned that the woman involved had been swearing, which upset me. I think it’s because, first of all, my parents are in their early 70s, and they're just the sweetest people. My dad does everything for my mum and sister, and it just makes me feel sad for them - but I do understand that the woman might have been in shock.

I always worry when they go out, but between my mum's and sister's hospital appointments, and my dad taking them shopping or just out for a change of scenery, I know I can’t always protect them the way I’d like to. I’m the youngest in the family, and I try to do as much as I can to help, especially since I’m still living at home. I remind myself to be patient with them – not that I ever snap at them, but sometimes work can affect my mood at home. They’re just getting on with their evening, watching TV and drinking tea, while I’m sitting in my room feeling upset that they had to go through this today.

Op they are early 70s, which isn't particularly elderly.
I don't really know what your looking for people to say but minor bumps happen, they always shake me up, the bang, the moment of releasing, what happened, the everyone's OK moment, the oh shit that means hassle getting the car fixed and detailing with insurance.

Well, you're a ray of sunshine, aren't you?

If you'd read my post properly, you would have seen that the reason I'm concerned is because my mother is wheelchair-bound and unable to do anything for herself without assistance, and my father is a full-time carer for both her and my sister. So yes, I was hoping for some kind words, as I do worry about my parents. Seventy may not be considered elderly in your view, but illness has aged my mother, who is a fragile woman, and my father is just as fragile so knowing they'd been in an accident today has worried me.

Oh dear, OP, you have a lot of responsibilities and seemingly no-one to share them with, and those responsibilities aren't going anywhere good. Obviously today's accident is very worrying as the logistics set up in your household is clearly dependent on your father doing the driving for your mother and sister.

Do you get out at all to have fun?

They scraped the car, it's not a massive deal. Your parents are adults I'm sure they don't need you to protect them from normal life events. You will pass this worry on to them and they'll become scared to tell you anything.

I use a wheelchair I'd hate to think my kids thought of me as needing protecting.

I understand your worries. But as you say you can't be there for them the whole time. It sounds like the accident could have been a lot worse; none of them were hurt which is the most important thing. As for the woman, some people don't take things well. Don't give it any more thought.

As a pp said, do take time to enjoy yourself too. Things happen to bring everyone down from time to time so give yourself something to look forward to as well.

Accidents do happen no matter what the driver's circumstances. You said your father was quite calm about it so take heart about that . It is natural to worry about our parents as they get older and more vulnerable. At the moment your father seems to be coping OK as FT Carer. Try not to worry too much or overthink things which I know is easier said than done . Big hugs

Do they get any outside help?
and claiming all they can, some extra help needed I think

He's in his early 70s, not gaga. The last two presidents of the US have been 70+ and 80+.

They seem fine from what you’ve said. Bit of a bump and cross words- nothing too alarming. Your dad has dealt with it well and now they’re all getting on with their evening. I get it’s sad for you that it’s happened but they’re ok physically and they don’t seem too upset by it so try and move on. Things like this happen in life- a little bump to the car has probably happened to your dad before. It’s happened to most people

OP I do understand, what some people don’t seem or choose not to is that others are not as “resilient” to upset and anxiety. Some of us carry more worry, responsibility and empathy in our day to day lives than others.
One incident can push an individual over the edge, no matter how small or trivial. We are human, we have deep rooted emotions to those closest to us.
You sound lovely and caring, you love your family and it hurts you to know that your dad was subjected to this woman. I hope you all have a better day, and perhaps plan something to look forward to this weekend? (Weather permitting!) x

Thankfully no one was hurt, so try not to dwell on it.
Maybe you are thinking of what could have happened, imagination can be a curse sometimes.
You sound like a lovely caring daughter.

Agree with this.

It sounds like it was the most minor scrape at a very low speed, no injuries, car still functioning.

Yes it’s a PITA, of course, but your old man was clearly chilled about it all. No big deal really. Don’t get bogged down in minor stuff.

Hey @TheRealGossipGirl I know what this is like. I'm sorry to say (this won't cheer you up) but you are likely at the beginning of a journey that will get worse.

I know that feeling of huge love that leads to the reversal of parent/child roles and makes you want to protect them so much as they become vulnerable.

I carer for elderly parent and it really does take it out of you emotionally because you are trying to look after them often at an emotional cost to yourself.

Anyway I suppose I was saying I understand how you feel, you aren't alone, it says good things about you that you love them like that but that feeling will get stronger as they get older and become more frail and infirm and can't drive and are realiant more on others.

Short term I'd suggest (sounds trite but if you do it repeatedly it does change your thinking) get a little note book and write down at least 2 but preferably 4 things you are grateful for - can be your lovely parents or just a sunny day. The more you do it the more you focus on the good.

The other thing is to - now when you are basically doing ok - look for some anti-anxiety calming exercises - like box breathing or 54321 (noticing 5 things you can see; etc) and practice them regularly. This is the thing with these exercises people suggest them when you are in the well of anxiety but by then its too late. You need to practice them when you feel fine so they become automatic and the muscle memory is there when you need them.

Loving parents is a great thing and it is always a thing to be grateful for that you have good parents.