Feel like my son is an absolute failure and so am I.

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DS is 16, sitting his mocks at the moment but has done literally nothing towards them and has had little time in the classroom to actually learn. He continues to disrupt every lesson and gets sent out.
This has been the case since about year 5 and he’s recently received a private diagnosis of autism which makes concentrating difficult. He is also very rigid in his views and very unforgiving. Assesment for ADHD was negative.

He has no interest in any college courses, trades, apprenticeships and merely shrugs. Throughout school he has been predicted 6/7s with little effort but is currently predicted 2’s in 2 subjects and ungraded in the rest.

Currently all he does is game. When electronics are removed he either rages or sleeps.

I feel like his future is likely just going down the pan and he’ll end up in a cycle of drugs and crime.

I just can’t get through to him. I’ve tried supporting in all sorts of ways, I’ve tried to bribe, threats of removing electronics.

I’ve no idea what to do. What he’ll do after school.

How long have you tried removing games for?

DS15's gaming time is linked to his grades - under a certain mark and he doesn't get any gaming time at the weekend. Then goes up in increments of half an hour relative to grades.

Has he done any work experience yet?

Stop threatening and do it. Kids pay no attention to empty threats, if you say it, you have to follow through. Where is his father in all this?

Why are you jumping straight to ‘my son is a failure’ rather than ‘my son is struggling’? If you can reframe your own thinking, it might help to support him? Children do well when they can.

Where is his Father?

Well you have two choices give in and he does nothing or remove everything and go hard arse. This is when having another parental figure is good for back up.

We removed DS gaming stuff once but for a week and it went to his Fathers workplace so there was zero chance of manipulation.

Has he got a gaming addiction do you think? If you google gambling addiction NHS there is a service you can self/refer to.

I do however agree that if you had threatened to take it away in the past, you should have followed through and done it. It’s clearly too much for him and he is not able to control himself so he did need help from you to do that.

I would sit down for a serious, serious discussion. Tell him you how serious it is. How worried you are. No angry - just serious, and worried. Try and problem solve together, if you think it’s possible. Can he wean off gaming, an hour less every day till none at all. Or does he want to plan now for total financial independence by the time he finishes school - that he needs to have a job and move out by that point.

I think this is indeed a failure of parenting. It's better to put clear boundaries from at least Y5. There should have been no gaming, no TV and no phone if homework or study for test/exam is not done and his room is not cleaned.
At 16 I'm not sure much can be done now, it looks like the ship has sailed? Does he even respect you now if you have been rather lax/permissive in your approach his whole life? Why does he even have any kind of a gaming equipment, why is he allowed to game if he does nothing, not even the bare minimum? Why haven't you instilled any kind of interest/hobbies in him? Is he doing any kind of sport/hobbies? Has he tried programming/art design/game design? Or has he simply been allowed to waste his time on his phone and games the last 6 years?
Pls build resilience in your kids. Don't let them "drift". Prepare them for the real world.

Or, maybe it’s because school
doesnt work for him. I’d be pushing the apprenticeship route if I were you.

You should put this in the SEN section.

Parenting strategies for neurotypical kids do t work for autistic kids mostly.

You need autism specific advice, support & strategies.

You can ask mnhq to move the thread.

Reward/punishment won't work.

Autistic kids always need to know 'why'.

They need language to be clear & precise. You need to always do what you say you'll do.

Routines are imperative.

What you are suggesting is basically changing their routine. They won't cope with this. What is happening now is that they are going into meltdown / shutdown.

Routine changing needs to be done in an autistic specific way.

Neither of you are failures. There's no point stressing about what you might have done in the past, just use where you are now as a starting point. Not doing well in school is not the end of the world. Yes, it can limit some opportunities, but it doesn't mean a complete dead end with no options.

Can he say why he wants to get sent out of class? Is it to get away from noise/stress? If so, is it possible to talk to the school about different strategies for when class gets overwhelming?

Does he know that it's possible to have a job/career in gaming? Would that help encourage him to study? Is it possible to switch to home education/tutoring?

My autistic/ADHD child cannot revise at home (home is home - school is school). He revises at school and is allowed to go to the SEND support area after school to study.
Perhaps your DS would revise better at school?

Have you looked at different strategies to revise?

Your son has just received a diagnosis. It's a lot to take in, for both of you.

It doesn't matter about the past, it matters what is coming next.

Accept he might fail his GCSEs. What is going to be the right next step for him?

He can resit, he can try something else.

I think he needs some hope, some support plus some clear boundaries going forwards. Find and use all the support you can, for you and him.

What resources have you got to support him at home?

Give him a heads up that this weekend consoles are going away (and move them out of the house or up in the loft when he is out of the house) until June.

Get him a shit load of new stationery, paper, graph paper, squared paper, lining paper is cheap and great for mind maps, revision cards.

Buy from school, or a bookshop the revision guides or borrow from a library.

Sit down and write up a rough revision timetable. You can contact his subject teachers to find his particular areas of weakness to focus on.

Make revision a positive experience, I buy DD a bag of sweets or biscuits and put it in her revision box each week.

Sit and help him, he may need a load of hand holding to get going.

If he is the type of autistic child who refuses to do work at home as home is for home then you need to decamp to the library, many are open in the evenings.

Focus on the core three English, Maths and Sciences.

It may well be exam technique based issues in which case you can find past papers online with the mark schemeand Examiner's report to see common misconceptions.

He isn't ever going to go for all of the above but you are going to need to be on top of it and consistent to get the behaviour change you want. Once he has new habits it'll be easier.

I worked in autism support with often reluctant learners. One lad (EHCP) responded particularly well to making mind maps for GCSE revision. He identified key points and I made the mind map with him choosing the different coloured pens etc. It was slow going but it worked and, once done, it could be added to, used for testing etc. At this stage, probably best to focus on the basics in core subjects plus anything he's particularly interested in. I wouldn't make gaming a battle as he obviously has strong responses to having his special interest taken away and it's causing more issues than it's solving. Is he clinging on to and fixating on it as he's worried it will be taken away? Would you be averse to chatting to him about the game and showing an interest in it so that he may become more trusting and receptive to other things. Gaming could be used as a bargaining chip though. Short bursts of revision followed by a timed amount of his game.
Every person is different and this may not work for him. He's not a failure as he views and processes the world in a different way and neither are you. It's hard and I wish you and him the best.

What an unhelpful reply.

OP, it's never too late, he's only 16, he's just had his diagnosis. School may not be the best environment for him but he might thrive in the right college.

This isn’t your son failing, or you. This is a failure of the education and health systems who have hugely let your child down.

How is his mental health?

He’s so young still. Can he take a break from formal education, do a bit of home education or something vocational, with an aim to maybe take his maths and English GCSEs within a year or two?

I feel sorry for him.
The gaming and IT, could it become a responsible way forward for him, as in making money?

He isn't a failure and neither are you. He's messing up his exams just as millions have done before.

I'd limit the gaming. You have to. If you don't know how then get someone else to come in and put controls on the house WiFi - you want it to happen automatically rather than having to ask him every day. It's not true that kids can find a way around it if you have done it properly. Pay someone who knows what they are doing - and DONT ever give him the password.
A cheaper way would be to flip the electrics switch for the plugs in his room at a set time every day.
Also, how about taking him to see some colleges if you can. Get him to see the type of thing he might be able to do.
I'd really really try and get him to pass his English and maths if possible. I know that's easier said than done though.
Loads of people fail their GCSE's and go on to succeed in life.

If you don't do this then you are to blame.

Hindsight Woman has landed 👸

Thanks to those who held my hand yesterday whilst I wobbled and doubted myself.

I have been questioning whether DDs difficulties were more than just his bad attitude for several years and have been gaslighted by the school constantly and told they wouldn’t support any assessment. More recently some of his teachers raised the same red flags as I questioned and have helped me get where we are.
Unfortunately the school have ignored my requests to meet, failed to share the diagnosis with his teachers so they can support in lessons, and repeatedly cancelled support sessions set up with my son. One thing he struggles with is change, and with secondary school change of classroom / teachers I knew this would take some getting used to. But the school are unable to keep teachers for long/multiple supplies/ covers.

DS has a huge amount of anxiety as he knows he is capable but struggles to cross the finish line. He’s unfortunately labelled a troublemaker and at the slightest disruption in class by anyone, usually gets the blame.

He respects the teachers that are fair, but doesn’t the ones who aren’t. He’ll take the punishment when he knows he’s at fault. But when they have an attitude of ‘well no one wants an after school detention on a Friday, you can go home’ he now doesn’t see the point of after school detentions on a Friday so doesn’t go.

He revises using you tube / bite size clips amongst others so uses electronics to revise, but then forgets to return to the revision after a break. I do monitor him, but can’t sit with him the whole time. I’ve also removed devices, set limits.

He felt that the adjustments given helped him yesterday and my early morning rant at him helped him refocus. Sometimes the nicely nicely doesn’t get through the stubbornness!

I’ve offered him time out of school but he is a stickler for some rules and knows he should go!

With days until college deadlines, the school have sent me some information they got from him 6 weeks ago on what he may like to do. I have very open communication with some of his support staff, but slow responses

Op our school system is a feckin nightmare. It's not helpful at all for dc with sen.

Agree with others, go on sen board and look into tutors if you can afford but also u tube has incredible resources on it which may work for him.

All is not lost.
It is possible to cram and pass or so ok in gcses
Last year my son did gcse, not at extreme as your situation but he had switched off and was doing no work, very low grades in his mocks.
Switched on at the last minute, crammed for the actual exams - passed all but one and even a couple of 7s... school were very surprised
Hope you and your son find some support and figure your way through this. Sharing as I want to offer some hope, but also there are other paths which aren't failure.