It's only just starting to sink in how dysfunctional my upbringing was

[MyGhastIsFlabbered]

I'm now 50 and it's really starting to dawn on my how dysfunctional my home life was, and the effects this has had on my functioning now.

Examples:
Nobody ever cleaned at home. Dried cat shit was commonly behind the sofas all the time.

My parents drank...a lot. My dad got me drunk at 11 by forcing me to have an alcoholic drink and because I didn't really like it said he was determined to find something I did like.

My parents owned a business and from about age 11 whenever I was on holiday I was expected to work overnight to help out.
She'd also leave me with a family friend who terrified me - she knew this.

My parents split up when I was in my early teens and both of them told me before I was 16 that they didn't want anything more to do with me.

I don't remember my parents ever telling me they loved me.

My mum chose her then partner over me when I was 16 and believed them over me despite only knowing this person for 6 months.

We were hostel homeless after my parents split. I shared a room with my mum and I used to see her drink a glass of vodka topped up with tap water first thing in the morning. Then she'd drive us to school.

She would go to her partner's house at weekends leaving me and my brother at home with no food or money.

I took an overdose and my brother phoned her to tell her what was going on. Don't hear from her for about 3/4 days then when she got home all she did was have a go at my brother for telling our dad what was going on.

There are probably much more but I guess I just need to see it in black and white. And I guess I need validation that this wasn't okay. It's not easy to see abuse when it's happening to you, and I struggle to see any of this as abuse or neglect.

No, this wasn't OK. And it's shocking what we normalise. Currently dating someone who had a suboptimal upbringing- although not as blatantly terrible as yours- who has mostly realised how suboptimal it was, but does sometimes still come out with things like "Even though my dad embezzled a 6 figure sum from my business when I was in my 20s I still miss him". Difficult to process, I guess.

This was abuse and neglect. No parent should treat a child like that.

I’m sorry that was your childhood - have you got anyone to talk to?

Yes I am under the mental health team currently, having had a breakdown last year. I have ADHD (diagnosed as an adult), EUPD and probably cPTSD as well. I'm a complete mess. And so scared of inflicting the same damage on my own children as my MH is so bad. It's terrifying. But somehow I feel like if I can find a reason for it all it will help improve my self-esteem and make me feel less of a failure.

I'm glad that you have help, OP. Do you still see your parents?

Yes I do still see them. I don't know if it's FOG or what but I can't seem to disown them.

I’m exactly the same OP! I am currently needing therapy to sift through the upbringing, memories and all the things I’ve blanked out.

I am still in contact with my parents (they were never together) and everyone seems to be acting normal. Apart from me

It is tough. It’s affected my own relationships and I’m only just realising it. 😔

I am scared my therapy will reveal more of my own toxic behaviour from the past (15-20 years ago). I’ve been physically sick remembering some of the stuff I’ve done in response to my own upbringing. I didn’t seek alcohol, drugs or crime and assumed I was “alright” until I embarked on this journey.

My upbringing was dysfunctional & neglectful but thankfully not violent

I’m so sorry you and your brother had a horrendous childhood, it’s sounds so chaotic and you both had to bring yourself up. Some people are so wrapped up in themselves and their addictions they have no feelings left for anyone else. You don't acknowledge your childhood was abusive and you were neglected which is probably why you haven’t walked away from them now.

What you describe is awful. I am so sorry your parents failed you so terribly.
The reemergence of memories and seeing these moments for what they were is not painless: I would really encourage you to seek support. You didn't have help when you needed it as a child, but you don't have to be alone to face this now.
💙

That upbringing wasn't ok. You deserved better.

Sorry, just saw your replies OP.

You deserved none of this and none of this was your fault.
The shame is theirs. It's not yours to carry.
You can trust yourself and like yourself because you are the only reason you survived.

omg!!! I could have written this post. Had such a similar upbringing. I Thought i was fine as never smoked, taken drugs or drunk that much. I'm 60 now and scared that therapy will just highlight my own toxicity. I feel its too late for therapy now.

I can't keep friends and always blamed them, fallen out with a couple of family members. I now realise I'm the common denominator.
I cringe at some of my past behaviours.

I too am just beginning to realise how dysfunctional my childhood was and I'm 70!
Always said how " normal" I was given what I went through but of late it is as if the veil has lifted.
Grew up in the toxic triangle of poor mental health, DV and drink.
Mum was over 40 when I was born, had half siblings a lot older who had all left home by the time I was 7. Sister had me a lot when she married but at home it was the classic walking on egg shells situation and I spent lots of time in the library...
Mum wasn't emotionally available and had several MH conditions ( attempted suicide when I was 14 and 17) Ill suited to live with my dad ( not my sibs dad) who really had no clue what was going on and very nearly lived in his locals...
When he was home, dinners went against the wall, lips were split and shouting was commonplace.
They never married and after final suicide attempt she never came home, went to live with my half sister and eventually got SH.
Dad meanwhile moved his long time " fancy woman" in and I had to knock on the door to collect belongings
Out of frying pan into fire and moved in, along with a friend, into a much older man's house, who I became involved with until he turned nasty and became violent.... moved out to a friend's house and made my way from there...
Looking back I more or less brought myself up. Mum could be quite good when she felt well but when she didn't hell on earth. This was the 60s, no understanding or support out there as far as I could tell, although my dad did send a policeman ( friend) round to check on me once...
Still friends with the girl that supported me back then.

I'm the opposite. I drank (teetotal now), did drugs (pre-kids), slept around etc etc. Never turned to crime though.

Im sorry this happened to you

You were just a kid trying to find your way. You did your best.

But I'm still a mess at 50. I'm massively in debt because I can't stop spending to try and fill the void inside me. My credit's ruined. I'm working in a not particularly well paid job so getting out of debt is unlikely to happen.

I like to think of us as survivors, I think when I moved out of home I was like a shell shocked veteran who falls to the ground when they hear a loud noise thinking it was gun fire. I didn’t believe in myself as those around me had twisted the world around them to suit themselves and I spent many years trying to understand what was actually true.

Very similar situation OP, therapy hasn’t worked and like you I still speak to parents and almost still want them to like and love me even at my big old age.
solidarity and strength to you x

Everyone's a mess, more or less. The difference is that you have a self awareness, and reasons, that not everyone has. This is the job you have to do: get yourself out of the place that was decided for you and into the place you want for yourself. Your credit doesn't matter for now, what matter is that you take care of yourself and accept that you deserve better than what you're currently putting up with, or putting yourself through because you feel this is all you deserve. They didn't take care of you or taught you how to take care of yourself, it defines them, not you. Take care of yourself OP, you are worth every effort.

Your parents were dysfunctional addicts who were incapable of giving you what you needed. Their behaviour had absolutely nothing to do with you but was all about them.

You're probably trauma bonded to them. I'm not surprised you've been diagnosed with CPTSD.

I can offer some suggestions that might help.

You need trauma based therapy and might find DBT helpful for your EUPD. NAPAC is a national organisation that can offer support and signposting for anyone who suffered abuse in childhood.

Pete Walker's book CPTSD from Surviving to Thriving is helpful for CPTSD. If you're on a low income, Anxiety UK offer affordable therapy.

Regarding your debts, I would contact The National Debtline and see if you can lower the debts or even get them wiped.

Your parents were abusive and are incapable of giving you what you need. In order to move forward you need to grieve the parents you needed and come to terms with the parents you have. Lower your expectations and don't expect them to change.

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward is a good read.