Madness

[Gettingbysomehow]

My parents in their late 80s have told us their children without any discussion at all that they are selling up everything they own and moving to a tropical island.
Neither of them are well, think diabetes and repeated heart attacks.
There is one hospital on the island which is extremely basic and anything urgent you have to go to the nearest big country a two hour flight for treatment.
We are beside ourselves with worry, they both have full capacity so there is nothing we can do about it.
The house is already on the market.
You can be damned sure if anything happens to them it will have to be me that takes two flights to this place to get to them.
I'm just so furious they are doing this, they are bound to get robbed as well.
I don't know why I'm posting just interested in what people think.

Yes they definitely have capacity. They've been there on holiday a few times.
However, I have all their medical details and they won't last 6 months. I've told the this and it falls on deaf ears. There isn't any more I can do.
I'm just pissed off it will be me that has to clear up the mess. I don't have any spare cash to go on wild goose chases abroad and I haven't retired yet.

You say they are late 80s. If they drop dead tomorrow most people would say they have had a grand long life. If they can afford it then good on them.

Where are they moving to?

Might they be thinking that they could get cheaper care
out there?

Check they have insurance and wave them off!!

A tropical island? Is this somewhere they've visited or just picked at random. Surely they have some connection or knowledge of the place?

Oh wow this is certainly unusual and a mixture of brave, exciting and a bit bonkers.
They must be thinking they only have a few years left so why not have them somewhere beautiful and warm.

Is it a Caribbean island?

Brilliant, I love that they have decided to do this, may not be the wisest move but they know they probably have only a few years left and they want to make the most of it….Best of luck to them, I hope I’m like that in my 80s

They've had 80 years of looking after themselves on this planet and clearly don't need you sanctioning their decision OP. You sound so annoyed with them not staying quietly in the slot you had in mind for them. Do they have a habit of needing rescuing by you?

I’d hope I’m like them at their age.

good on them.

I'm sure they are both acutely aware that they are living on borrowed time and would like to spend their remaining years together in relative paradise. I don't blame them.

I don't get on with either of them at all and I haven't for years. There is no love lost between us. I'd be quite happy to wave them off if they were going somewhere with sensible medical facilities. But I know full well that when it all goes tits up for them or one of them dies it will be me that has to launch a rescue mission and I can neither afford it nor want to deal with all that mess. But I'm not heartless either and would not be able to ignore someone in need.
They could easily go somewhere equally beautiful with facilities but they won't.
I have no slot for them at all but I just know I'm going to get dragged into this shit show as soon as something goes wrong.

Are they going to Papua New Guinea?

Maybe post it in the elderly forum. These are people who have seen it done and got the t-shirt regarding elderly parents.

Think I'd probably rather die of a heart attack with a view of a cerulean blue ocean lapping at the shore whilst waiting for a plane than my last moments being spent in Sainsbury's car park near the bins whilst somebody's being told by 999 that there are no ambulances available and to call back when I stop breathing.

This. I totally understand where you're coming from OP and I would have been the same about my parents. I'm now that age and a Grandma. I can't think of anything better and if I could I'd leave the UK like a shot, even at my age

Have a well rehearsed line that you won’t be doing any rescuing/ repatriating/ organising without money upfront. This is entirely their decision, when it all goes toes up, let it run its course. If the remaining one needs repatriation, the consulate can arrange it. There are well oiled wheels for returning ancient Brits to the UK. They can whinge but you don’t have to jump.

I see, well it's their choice. If you feel this is an act of rejection, you can't be expected to help if they've removed themselves from your reach. That does not make you a heartless person. Actions. Consequences.

So what do you care then?

ylu don’t get on with them. You’d happily wave them off. Go on then, and then block them from contacting you. If anything happens and someone else contacts you, say no, you aren’t interested in helping.

it you don’t have a good relationship with them then it’s even more so none of your business what they do.

No one can force you to help with anything. You can say no.

I'm not a monster if two 90 year olds were in trouble I couldn't just leave them there. It would irritate the hell out of me but I'd go.

I think you need to get the strength to let go. I also have elderly parents and the biggest thing I have learned is that I need to give them the right to make their own totally crazy decisions. I had to explain to them that I can't be their rescue team if they were going to do these crazy things, and they agreed. They would rather be free and take risks than be in a safe boring life. I get that.

I think you need to make your peace with the fact that your parents have the right to total themselves in whatever way they choose. Weird and stressful though it may be.

I know it's not easy, but at the moment you are angry because they are not taking account of your feelings. You need to look after your feeling and let them look after theirs. It's not easy I know.

You have to let them, and your relationship with them, however negative it is, go.
It sounds like you hold a lot of guilt, and worry alot about what others think. It's not like you are pushing them off on the iceberg yourself!

You could ask them to send a WhatsApp to the family/ friends group or post publicly on FB that they are doing this for themselves and do not want ANYONE but the authorities to have to pick up the pieces. Rather like a DNR but for you.

Yes they sound selfish, but partly because you are insisting on taking up a rescuer role at some point. This is your guilt, your emotional investment, not theirs. You will be stronger for allowing them dignity in their dying. You work in healthcare so you know what this is.

It sounds like the dynamic may have been/is abusive and or manipulative on their part. Put on your big girl pants and call their bluff.

You might want to get some grief counselling in advance of them going. Many of us have grieved relationships before they have ended and it makes the ending somewhat easier to bear. Note I said somewhat.

Parents can be shits, I know, I left mine behind decades ago. I had to be the adult in the drama triangle. I rarely think of them now.

I'm not religious, but dying is either the end, a relief for me. Or not the end, a relief for those who believe that.

Respect their wishes as grown adults with capacity, take them at their word, let them go, and DO NOT pick up after any mess they leave.

Good luck babes xx

What island?