Friends who don't listen

[LadyLucksalot]

Can anybody else resonate with the "aaaaarrgggghhhhh!"-ness of having friends who spend all their time talking about themselves, and only ask how you are doing in the last few minutes? That way, they know you're pushed for time and therefore are confident that you will keep your answer brief and they can feel safe in the knowledge that they've asked?

This has happened repeatedly - people regard me as a "really good listener", but seem to be uncomfortable or unwilling to listen to anything I'm going through. Quite major things recently, and none of it has warranted a "how are you getting on with blah, blah etc?"

How do you deal with this? I'm sure if I steamrollered my way through the conversation without any let-up they'd think I'd gone completely mad, so what's an appropriate way of handling this?

Or is this part of the curse of being a good listener, perhaps?

Sometimes a dynamic is set in motion that's difficult to change. If overwhelmed with this, I'd put strict time limits on it because it's exhausting for you.

You could try ' I'd really like your thoughts on something.....' or ' I'm curious what you think about this' and turn it into a discuss about things in your life. If they cut you off after this, or just go dunno and back to them, I'd accept these friends can't or won't fill that need.

Then come on here to moan about things and you'll probably get better listeners and feedback and people who relate. 😀

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response, @Tittat50. I really appreciate it.

You're right - it IS exhausting. I can try tapping into piquing their interest with the "I'm curious about what you think..." approach.

Thank you.

I am in a group of four friends and one of them constantly interrupts to tell us something about her. Recently I've had a diagnosis of osteoarthritis and the minute she heard, boom! She had pains and we had to listen to her talk about them. She's interrupted us all for years. But, we really like her so we just put up with it. She would be very hurt if we told her to shut up and listen to others because she genuinely doesn't see it.

yes, Yes, YES. It drives me mad. I've started ghosting people because of it. I'm not proud of that but I currently don't have the mental energy to either put up with it, or confront them. I do think people have become more selfish tbh, although my level of tolerance is much lower than it used to be

Gah! I know exactly what you mean, LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand. They really seem to get it, do they?

And thank you, Peanutssuck. My tolerance jug is getting less full every time. The mental energy involved is so draining.

Start with your news then leave.

you aren’t their dumping ground and then they get to leave feeling good

it’s hard to change the dynamic but you can only take on so much

I sympathise.

I have a friend like this. I love her but I need to take a deep breath before I call her as I know it will be one sided. My other friends are nothing like this and are great listeners. She has no idea that we don’t want to listen to her going on and on and on and on about her hobby. She dominates all social events talking about herself. It really spoils the flow of conversation.

When I met an old friend of the rubbish listener friend I wasn’t surprised she was a counsellor. I purposely asked my rubbish listener friend lots of questions about her old friend to see how much of an interest she takes in HER, where she grew up, siblings etc. She’s known her for 20 years but was pretty vague. I wasn’t surprised.

I’ve tried a few tactics such as saying what a great listener so and so is and how It’s lovely to be listened to properly but she doesn’t pick up on it. She will often start talking to her dog or child when I’m mid sentence on the phone. It’s awful really. She has a lot of good points and a kind heart so I take her as she is but not many people do as they don’t get much in return.

I had two friends like this. Tackled it the same way for both, with different results.

Met up, when we got to the obligatory question about me as it was time to go, I just smiled and said "fine" and nothing else. It was awkward but I didn't offer anything further.

Second meet up, exactly the same, so I did the same thing. At this point friend one noticed and asked if there was something wrong. Told her it came across she wasn't that interested in me, so I didn't feel inclined to give anything more than a courtesy answer. Had to go at that point so left her to it. Quiet for a few days then got an I'm sorry text.

Second friend didn't twig until our third meet up. Gave her the same explanation and got immediate tears and push back even as I was halfway out the door. I dropped the rope completely, got a couple of texts from her asking why I wasn't supporting her. Replied saying I'd spent our entire friendship doing just that, and asking what she thought I was getting from all of this. Never got a reply to that and never heard from her again.

Sometimes holding a mirror up to someone's behaviour is a good way to get them to see the problem. In friend one's case she's a nice person who'd got into the habit of talking about herself - I should have pulled her up on it earlier but didn't. Friend two, in hindsight, was a main character personality and had zero room for me in her life when I wanted more than to be a supporting actor in her life story!

Are you they are really true friends? I don’t consider people who only talk about themself friends, they’re just acquintances.

I like @PointySnoot‘s tactic. It really brings out the true nature of someone. Gosh, imagine turning that situation into an all about me like friend 2! That was a real eye opener for you.

I stop listening and distance from them.

I've dropped a couple of friends over the years for this reason, and my MIL is guilty of only talking/caring about herself too, but I'm stuck with her. Our beautiful dog, 16 years old, passed away recently and we're heartbroken. MIL, in true form, has made it all about her dog that died 50 years ago!

My SIL is like this and it is exhausting! She turns everything back on her and is so uninterested when on the slim chance she asks about our lives.
I don't have the energy for it anymore and limit our time with her.
Life is too short for energy vampires!!

I’ve come across a few people who do not understand the difference between a dialogue and a monologue. They will go into excruciating minutiae about their life but ask absolutely nothing about anyone else. They are seemingly completely unaware of this. One “friend” spent two hours describing the house she is having built. Everything from roof tiles, to bathrooms to floor coverings, to soft furnishings. All good, I’m interested. When she took a breath and I mentioned we’d had an offer accepted on a new house, she said “ that’s great” and went straight back to her.
I don’t spend much time with people like that now.

I feel like I do this, I don't mean to but I'm autistic so I feel like I have to keep talking and not let there be an awkward silence, I do feel it happening though and that makes me start to panic, but when I do say to my friend, how have you been anyway? She just says yeah fine, nothing new, and I feel like I have to keep talking because she dosnt 😂 Chatterboxes don't always love being chatterboxes. When I get together with my other friend who is ADHD it's not such a big problem we both don't let each other get a word in edge ways and there's never a silence

Yes I have a friend like that. She has a lot of drama in her life and all our meet ups tend to revolve around the drama. When I talk she looks bored, doesn’t engage with me and then brings the conversation back to her. She’s like that on group text. Quick “how is everyone” then massive texts about the latest drama. It’s depressing and draining. I’m lucky we have another friend who is a joy to chat to. We often travel to see the other friend together and our hour alone together is so much fun.

My mil will ask how eg my dad is in hospital then as I'm replying get bored and change the subject to something about her

Although I do work with a lady who does it worse than me and I do find it exhausting although she is lovely, we both have autistic children so I mean she's possibly autistic too. Who knows. But she tells me very long winded stories that take over an hour with us working in between and I can say nothing more than oh, oh ok, wow. And it kills me because I'm a talker 😂

Sorry to hear about your lovely dog 💐 my PIL do this a bit too. Esp my FIL. I saw them soon after I'd been to a dear friends funeral (Uni friend only 49 died of cancer 💔) We chatted about our respective weeks and what we'd been up to etc. I must have mentioned the funeral twice. nothing. My DH also mentioned that my friend had died etc. They just changed the subject. It was all a bit odd. I'm putting it down to hearing loss? But they're only 75. They are lovely people and I get on well enough with them but they do seem to have dodgy memories on occasion..Kept asking my DD (their granddaugter) what degree she was doing over and over. Chemistry. Really not that hard to remember. They prefer talking at length about the blue tit they have nesting in a box with a camera in the garden. We've all been sent the link to that app so we can watch the live stream of said bird 😆🤷‍♀️🐦

Maybe try a bit harder with your friend? It’s sounds like they’ve given up believing you’re interested in them and you prefer to go on about your own stuff. When she says yeah fine, maybe ask her specific questions about her work, life, interests, feelings, family etc?

Have you tried saying something like "Let me interrupt you there" as they are getting into full swing of their guttural diarrhoea and then leaving a pause in the conversation and then resuming with your news/issue/topic of conversation.

Don't use the interruption to counter their topic with your thoughts or opinions on it. Just drop that thread of conversation dead.

@HardenedTeaDrinker - when your MiL started talking about her dog that had passed away 50 years ago, did you interrupt her and say "That's very sad MiL but we're not actually talking about your dog, we're talking about X who has just passed away today/last week"? Bring the topic back around to what you want to talk about.

You're allowed to be a good listener but you're also not an emotionless brick wall that everyone gets to offload their issues to. Time for them to sit and listen to your voice for a change. If they don't, they aren't your friends.

People like this, who only hold one sided conversations, about themselves, are emotional vampires. It’s not possible to have a true friendship with people like this, regardless of their redeeming qualities.

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories. It's such a relief to know I'm not alone with this situation.

It does seem to be a pattern and I have distanced myself from other 'friends' in the past. It seems I'm very good at signalling that I'm a good listener.

The uncomfortable truth is I don't really have any truly good friends who would listen and share in an equal way. And I don't think I ever have.

So I think I'm going to expand my circle a little more and get out of my comfort zone, which , frankly isn't at all that comfortable.

Any tips on doing this successfully gratefully received!

This might not apply in your case, OP, but some other posters -;I do think that people can find it hard to know what to say especially when they hear bad news (e.g. death of a pet or friend) and they think they are empathising by giving an example of when a similar thing happened to them. I have had to make a conscious effort in this regard, I think it has come with age/maturity, I think I did it more when I was younger.
Also I am quite quiet a lot of the time and happy to let others take the lead, especially if they are witty and interesting! However if in the right mood I can ramble on about myself... here I go now!

You're quite right, LieInsAreExtinct - bad news can be uncomfortable for others to hear. They're unsure how to handle it and what is expected, despite dishing it out on a regular basis for others to listen to.

However, it's not like I'm all "woe is me" all the time. I don't even get the chance to share good news, let alone the bad!

Hey ho.