A school mom one

[formula3]

I’m oddly hurt by this and think the answer is I have to just let it go, but I’m struggling too.
Live in small village which definitely doesn’t help. Within a small school everyone seems to know everything and I can see other mums now staring when my friend and I no longer even say hello and it’s all just embarrassing. My son has been very good friends with a boy since birth when his family moved here and his mum and I were on the same ward together when we gave birth. Lots of those forming friendship times over cake / figuring out feeding together (the babies not us lol) and we were very close, as were the boys. As it’s a small place we have also always been friends with other mums but we’ve always been known as best friends within it.
For reasons I still don’t understand my friend started to feel a bit distant last year. It was so subtle at first I decided I was imagining it, and I’m guitly of overthinking things. However it became more and more clear I wasn’t when I’d bump into her in the local coffee shop where she was with other mums, despite her having told me she was too busy with work to meet up that week. Other events like this followed and I got the hint. I did ask her what was wrong but got brushed off with “nothing, it’s in your head, I’m just busy with work” type answers. We carried on being “friends” but always at my instigation with play dates etc. Fast forward to this new term and she’s actively ignoring me again. She’ll see me coming towards school and literally cross the road ☹️at the Christmas carol concert at school we were standing next to each other in the queue to go in and she just stared at her phone and barely acknowledged me with a hi. It was so so different to how we have always been and I felt really hurt.
Icing on the cake is my son came home from school yesterday to say he’d asked his friend if he’d like to play this weekend and his friend said something along the lines of I can’t as my mum doesn’t like your mum anymore” (allowing for some child misunderstanding) but the message was clear.
I have accepted our friendship is over which is her choice, though I still don’t know why. It hurts but that’s life right? But I have no idea how to manage the awkwardness at drop off and pick up and village events (of which there are many as the weather warms up). Do I follow suit and ignore her, or carry on trying which makes me feel frankly like a stalker with how she looks at me like I’ve got some rabid disease? It feels like some mean girls film and that’s not who I am, and not who I thought my friend was. I’m sad for my son too as it’s now affecting his friendship.

So sorry OP, that’s really hard. I have had similar recently and decided that someone who was happy to do that to a close friend and also to a child is not someone I want to continue a friendship with. Don’t ignore her, you can smile and be polite when you see her but that’s it. You’re not friends anymore, just feel your feelings about it and when you’re ready move on to some new friendships. I’d be inviting lots of other children around for play dates to widen your DS’ circle.

That’s sad 😔 I would just front it out with a ‘cheery hello/Good Morning/Bye’, head up and keep walking, dont wait for a response, no asking ‘what’s wrong’ etc, she’s made it clear she doesn’t value the friendship anymore.
Act like you would with an acquaintance.
Sorry this is happening to you, people can be so weird.

Thank you and I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through similar. You’re right, I need
to just accept it but remain polite and keep saying hello even if it’s meant with an eye roll as it’s so rude (and I feel so embarrassed in front of other parents) when she blatantly ignores or crosses the road to avoid me and I don’t want my son thinking that behaviour is ok ☹️

It is so weird. I think it’s part of why I’m struggling so much to move on as we were so close it’s hard to capture in words and it’s now as though she hates me and I don’t know why. It feels not dissimilar to when my husband left me, it may sound dramatic but it’s the same hurt and confusion I feel.

The eye roll says more about her than you, people will note her behaviour, she sounds ghastly.

Life is too short...smile and wave...kill them with kindness...always the best way....carry on with your life and as the saying goes...

LET THEM...🤗

You sound lovely OP, don’t let her bad behaviour make you feel embarrassed. She sounds very dramatic, making a big show of crossing the road etc, attention seeking perhaps.

She doesn't sound like a very nice person, it is immature behavior. You don't want a person like that as your friend. I think you will discover in time that she's a drama queen who falls in and out with people. So please do not take it personally. Make yourself feel good before the school run, wear a colour that lifts you and makes you feel confident. Hold your head high, smile and be breezy. Chat to others if the opportunity arises. And slowly, you will find you do not think about this as much anymore. It's not you, it is her. If it wasn't the case, she would have told you why she 'didn't like you anymore'. The fact that she has told her child this tells you everything you need to know about how childish and nasty she is.

Obviously don’t know the full situation and she does sound really mean but could it be that you were a tad pushy with constantly asking to meet up and she’s got a bit fed up with it?

Something major must have happened. Between the boys maybe? Very hard if you don’t have a clue what it was.

It could be anything to be honest as it was such a big change for no reason ☹️I literally have no idea what went wrong. I did ask a few times but got the hint pretty quickly something had changed.

As far as I know nothing has happened between the boys, it is so weird ☹️

I feel like I could have written myself. I've been through the exact same thing recently. It seems petty and childish caring about it, but it does hurt to be rejected by someone you thought was a friend. I think all you can do is back away from this woman, do things that make you happy and try to form bonds with other people. I find that these school mum friendships are circumstantial and transactional and hardly ever last. A lot of people are just users and when a better offer comes along you're dropped like a sack of shit. That is my own experience anyway.

How did she talk about other people back when you were close? Did she have a judgemental/reactive side? Did she get bored or people sometimes and cut them off? It's very strange. Obviously the advice to rise above and be polite is correct.. but that doesn't help how upsetting it is. I would struggle without an answer (sorry, that's unhelpful!).

I’m sorry to those of you who have gone through similar ☹️it’s so hurtful isn’t it? To answer the question about how she was about other mums when we were friends- yes she was quite judgemental and liked to gossip, though probably not much more than many people. That wasn’t the focus of our friendship though as I’m not really like that. Now that I think of it she behaved similarly with another mutual friend a couple of years ago for the smallest reason and I remember thinking she had massively overreacted. However that passed pretty quickly and they remain friends whereas for us that is clearly not going to happen ☹️

Be kind to yourself, OP. It’s very painful when a friendship ends, especially when you don’t really know why. I had a close friend who just stopped getting in touch about eighteen months ago, until I realised I’d been the one leaving answerphone messages and texting into the void for months, like an idiot. I did ask him, once, what was wrong, and got ‘I’ve been sick!’ and ‘nothing, just busy.’

It turns out that, despite what I believe was a genuine closeness for a couple of years (he knows things about me no one knows, and he told me things I’m fairly sure he’s not told anyone else ), it was just a situationship as far as he was concerned. I was just around. I live nearby. Our kids were friends. Then his child started to board. Suddenly I was surplus to requirements. I still get the occasional random photo, but it’s like he has amnesia, or I imagined it all.

Go easy on yourself.

I've experienced something similar, many years ago; so I can offer some insight into how this kind of thing plays out.
When it happened to me, I was shocked by how much it hurt. Not knowing what I'd done was confusing and led to over thinking. I remember feeling stressed about the school run and events.
As time went on, I witnessed that this other person would frequently cause tensions with others. They are prone to jealousies, very competitive and need to be the centre of attention. They can feel threatened with the success and joys of others. An alpha-female, Queen Bee person. (Amanda in Motherland!)
Has something positive happened in your life recently that she may not be able to cope with? Jealousy can often underpin this behaviour.
In terms of how I managed my situation, I gave this person space. Lots of it. I focused on other mums and made close friendships which still remain. I didn't go out of my way to say hello anymore.
This resulted in the other person wanting to befriend me again, but by that time, I didn't want their drama and inconsistency in my life. There's an adage that when someone reveals their true character to you, believe them; because in that moment, they're not lying.
I was always polite to them in my acknowledgement, but quite neutral. A formal nod or smile, but I never stopped to chat anymore.
We will never know the truth in these matters. The other person may even have a hard time explaining their behaviours. They may be acting on instinct or it's a habit they've always done. It's likely something episodal, low level and she'll be triggered by someone else soon enough. She may then want you back in her life and it's then up to you how you play that one.

I’m sorry it’s happened to you too ☹️this is very similar, I know so many personal things about her, and she with me. It’s hard to think that all meant nothing. It reallt
does have the same sadness as my divorce about it which seems incredulous to say. I guess something I’ve done was wrong, and I’ll never know, or she simply decided to move on, both of which sting as I thought it meant more than that. I definitely isolated myself a bit from other friendships too as was always with her or working and on reflection that was a bit silly I guess.

Hi OP, did she start to ignore you shortly after the divorce? I’ve noticed some coupled-up women aren’t too keen on being friends with single women as they’re afraid they will try to “steal their man”. Just wondering if this is a possibility here?

Hmmm that’s interesting. I guess it does tie in a bit timing wise but not exactly….and she was very supportive in the difficult times that led up to it, again it could be that but I just wish I knew! If it was something I could fix I would, and if it’s something I can’t fix I can learn to accept it…but to not know feels like I can’t get proper closure on it. I’m aware I sound like I’ve had someone split up with me, but that is how I feel.

If you can face it - text her and ask if she is angry with you for some reason as you have no idea what’s happened to make things change so much. She’ll probably not respond but you’ll lose nothing in asking. And maybe just maybe it’s all a big misunderstanding and can be salvaged.

OP this happened another mum at the school. There was a group at coffee one morning and someone asked her "how is Anne" as they were known to be great friends and she actually got upset and was saying genuinely nothing happened but "Anne" just started ignoring her and not being available for play dates with the DC but available to everyone else and all her new pals. She was saying it was actually really embarrassing and she had found it very difficult to deal with. She did say she had helped a lot with childcare and she felt very used. I would say OP you will notice in a few years your ex friend will have fallen out with her new friends. It's very difficult but do rise above it.