Fear of death. I can’t keep going on like this.

[FishOnTheTrain]

I posted the other day on the mental health board. So apols if you’ve read this already.

my fear of death is ruining my life. First it was fear of myself dying, then obsessive awful thoughts of my husband dying and then now we just got a puppy - that we haven’t even collected yet - that I am OBSESSIVELY worrying about dying one day. It’s all I can think about. I love her so much already and I’ve always wanted a dog.

my guess it’s a form of OCD. I also have really horrible emetaphobia, since I was young, so I guess you could say I’ve always been obsessive.

I can’t go on like this. I wouldn’t do anything but it makes me not want to live. I’m sabotaging some of the happiest moments of my life (like getting a puppy!) by having this deep, depressive and awful fear hanging over me.

I’m in therapy but so far it’s not doing too much. I feel better immediately after but then I go back to obsessively googling how people cope when their dogs pass, how old they were etc. I feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake getting the dog. But it’s a lifelong dream. I’ve been obsessed with dogs forever, but it’s just never been the right time.

not sure why I’m posting. I’m just mentally exhausted and so so very miserable.

Do any of the wise MNer’s have any words of wisdom? I’m truly at the end of my tether.

I suggest seeing your Dr and discussing medication for your anxiety. CBT and exposure therapy might help, alongside other techniques like mindfulness. Magnesium supplements might also be helpful.

I’m on medication, I take magnesium. I’m in therapy and doing it all by the book. I feel like I’m broken and will never feel better. Like I’m wired to be always mentally ill in some way.

Your medication doesn't appear to be working so go back to your Dr and either have it adjusted or change to something else.

Practice relaxation techniques and exercise. If you're feeling anxious, exercise helps alleviate it. Meditation should also help, you can get meditation and relaxation apps.

ETA are you doing CBT or exposure therapy? You can do a free CBT course called Beating the Blues online.

I wonder if you've ever looked at Buddhism? I find the core idea of accepting and valuing impermanence to be so helpful for my anxiety. We have just this brief dash of life which makes doing things mindfullly in the present so important. Our lives and deaths are part of a much larger cycle of death and renewal, we can't control it. I find the Headspace app so useful to re-centre on these ideas.

Dear OP. You sound like you are having such a rough time at the moment. It does sound like you are catastrophizing with people dying. You are ruminating and obsessing. I agree with other posters who suggest you going back to see your GP. It does sound like you need a medication change or an additional medication to try and control these thoughts.
Psychological therapies would be good so persevere with these. CBT or DBT may help. Make sure you have a good psychologist or psychiatrist to help you. Try Mind or Sane to give you sign posting in the right direction.
When you get in a cycle of worry try mindfulness. It is difficult to do but practice and practice and it will start to help. If you can’t stop the cycle try holding some ice to bring your mind down to this sensation.
Make sure you get out of the house every day. This will be even better when you get your puppy. Make sure you are getting some exercise and a decent diet.
These are all things that have helped me so worth a try. The dog will change your life as you have something else to concentrate on. Dogs are a worry but they are loving, funny and keep you very occupied. Book in to puppy play time socialisation classes and dog training to get you out and about. It will also deepen your bond with the dog and is good for a well behaved dog.
Good luck and hopefully you will start to feel better soon

Talk to your gp about having your medication adjusted. You would be best off seeing a psychiatrist. And if you're not getting help from your psychologist look at a new one. Have you got an OCD diagnosis? If so it would be helpful to see a psychologist who specialises in OCD.

Also, easier said than done, but put the phone down/stay away from the computer. I don't have OCD but when I'm having troubling thoughts social media, google etc are a major trigger and I end up googling disturbing things etc.

Socialise (in person) and get out of the house as much as you can.

Does your husband know how you are feeling? It's good to talk about it.

Your meds clearly aren't working. Are you on the max dose? My Ds2 has severe OCD and needed to go up to 200mg Sertraline a day before the intrusive thoughts started to subside, combined with intensive CBT. We paid privately as the NHS one was rubbish.
Different meds suit people differently so if yours isn't working go back and ask to try something else...and be clear about how severe it is. OCD intrusive thoughts are awful but they CAN be helped.
And ignore the poster flogging bloody snake oil ....

Have you ever experienced someone close to you dying?

I found after my Dad died and I managed to get through that it gave me strength and resilience in the world - I thought “if I can get through this, I can get through anything” and it gave me great strength and perspective eventually, and empathy to others.

It might be a self confidence kind of thing? Worrying that you won’t be able to cope? Try working on ways to boost your self esteem and build good coping strategies into your life eg exercise, stress relieving activities, regular socialising, making plans, building strong friendships, finding a hobby etc. all of these things will help you cope when the inevitable happens.

I can identify. I have emetophobia, health anxiety and social anxiety. I've always had a fear of dying/fear of my partner dying and I've always had pets. I've also lost pets. That is the cycle.

I've been in therapy on and off for years, I've tried medication but am currently medication free.

We got a puppy last summer, three years after our previous dog had died. The pup has completely changed my life. Before we got her I was so anxious that I hardly left the house. Honestly, puppies are such hard work initially that you're too tired to think but in some ways that's good. You won't think about it dying because you'll just be focussing on one day at a time. House-training, teething, socialising and lead walking all has to be got through in the first weeks with your pup.

My girl is 9 months old now and I can truthfully say that she has helped me more than three courses of CBT and years of medication. She gives me a focus, she gives my day structure. Sure, I worry about keeping her safe - I don't always trust other dogs around her, but I never really think about losing her, I am too busy loving her and caring for her.

I'm not trying to say your pup will be an instant cure for your anxiety, of course it won't, but it can help massively to distract you from negative thoughts and bring a different focus to your life.

We have no control over death, it happens and no amount of catastrophising, stressing, medication or therapy can change that. So we need to get on with enjoying every day with our loved ones.

If you'd like some friendly chat and moral support about all things puppy related, there is a Puppy Survival Thread and it's a great place to be in the early days with your pup. I'll post a link below.

Good luck with your puppy, I hope it will bring some joy back to your life x

The Puppy Survival Thread is here if you'd like friendly reassurance and chat when you get your pup.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/the_doghouse/5180942-puppy-survival-thread-for-new-and-old-pups-here-comes-winter-2024?page=30&reply=140998575

perhaps consider changing your therapist. Their particular approach such as Jungian, Freudian, etc, may not be the right one for you.
Good luck!