My sons come home upset

[LittleMG]

My little boy (6)has come home today in a terrible mood. I had harsh words with him after he was rude to me and pretended he’d run away 😳 he’s usually very placid and calm.

I asked him if anything had happened at school and he told me that 3 children he plays with had said that they were going to be in teams everyone against my son and another younger boy. My son said he went to walk away and started crying and they said ‘ok let’s do teams’ and did it properly. This isn’t the first time, or second that this has happened. My son is very sweet and open but a bit young for his age I’m told. And these kids seem a lot more savvy and take the mick out of him.

For some reason he doesn’t want me to tell their teacher but would rather me tell their mums, who I do know a bit but not friends. I don’t really want to start on these mums and get them on the defensive, I get everyone wants to think the best of their kid. He was crying terribly in his room before I went up, idk if it’s because of school or because I shouted at him. WWYD?

Why does my son struggle so much with friendships, he’s such a friendly and fun little boy. How can I help him?

Maybe stop having harsh words with him when he is struggling? Focus on what you can change: your own dynamic with him.

It's so hard when something happens at school and you can't be there. I would try and have a quick word with his teacher and ask about the dynamic between this group of kids at the moment.

Behaviour is language. If he is usually very "placid and calm" then his changed behaviour should have been an indication that something was wrong, and not a trigger to "shout at him" and have "harsh words". He's SIX.

Shouting IS rude, so shouting at someone for being rude is ridiculous.

Poor kid had a difficult day and was struggling with big emotions, and instead of you thinking wow, what caused this, you added another pile on top.

Speak to the teacher, and apologise to your son for shouting.

Don't be harsh with him when he's upset/angry. That's just teaching him he can't feel that way in front of you.

Praise him for sharing what happened.

Speak to the teacher not the mums. Can say he isn’t his usual self and has she seen anything, if he doesn’t want you to mention names.

he doesn’t want me to tell their teacher but would rather me tell their mums, who I do know a bit but not friends

This sounds like typical 6 year old insensitive behaviour and, while I know it's frustrating to see your child upset, it's not something I would approach another parent about. I think I would have a quick word with the teacher and see how things go after that.

He's only 6 - i would have a word with the teacher and hopefully they can crack down on the other kids excluding him.

I think you guys are jumping on me a bit, I love him to bits and tried every way to get him to talk to me. I let him sit in the car for a bit, he wouldn’t get out, so I left him to have a think/calm down and he disappeared up the road! It frightened the life out of me. I never shout at my kids I’m pretty sure I’ve shouted them less than people that are accusing me of being a devil parent. But yes I did tell him
off for disappearing off by himself! But what I actually need is some advice on how to deal with a school issue, he’s fine and cuddling me on the sofa. FGS can I have some decent advice please?!

But yes I did tell him
off for disappearing off by himself

Completely understandable! We've all been there at one time or another and it certainly doesn't make you a bad parent (just a human one).

Thank you, I think I will email his teacher so he doesn’t know. His teacher is really nice and kind. But I wonder if they’ll be told to stop and just carry on. I know the kids and they seem a lot more grown up and there’s like a male power struggle

@LittleMG The teacher will have had plenty of experience in handling this sort of behaviour. Try not to over think it; teachers are usually very adept at nipping these things in the bud.

I'd have a quick word with the teacher - nothing formal, just a 'heads up this is happening, can you keep an eye on it' type thing. Speaking to the parents won't change their behaviour in school, a word from the teacher is far more likely to do that and she'll have seen this type of thing many times before.

It sounds like emotions were high after school and these things happen - don't beat yourself up about it Give him a big hug, tell him not to worry and that he did the right thing to tell you as that means you can help. Does he go to any after school activities or have friends round for play dates occasionally? These things can really help build confidence.

My advice would be to teach him different possible ways of handling it - what could he have done instead of bursting into tears? He could say 'I'm not playing if it;s not fair' he could have said 'no we need fair teams' he could have gone and found someone else to play with or he could have gone and told whoever was supervising. If he can stand up for himself though and say 'No! this isn't fair!' then it will serve him well in life - not all 6 year olds are able though so important to have other options.

The teacher won't be in the playground to make sure this isn't happening so unless there are issues in the classroom I would give him the chance to try to solve it himself first - you can always role play it with him to get him to practise standing up for himself too.

You say he's quite young for his age and struggling with friendships a bit - plus quite emotional and struggling to stand up for himself. Just a thought but is ASD a possibility? He just sounds a lot like my son at that age (diagnosed at 10).

She didn't have harsh words with him for struggling, she had harsh words with him for disappearing. It's not OK for 6 year old to disappear up the road even if they're upset, any more than it's OK for them to run into the road or hit someone.

I would speak to the teacher and ask them to keep a closer eye on their games, and make clear that ganging up will not be allowed.

I disagree with those saying you were harsh on your son. I have always been crystal clear that my son does not get to take out his frustrations or bad moods on me. We can talk about them and sort things out, but he does not get to be rude or unpleasant towards me. I think this is an important lesson actually.

Totally agree. Imagine you have had a crap day at work and then your husband started on you. This lad needs you on his team.

Don’t talk to the mums. This is a matter for the teacher.

Don’t discuss this with the other mums. You either end up in a situation where they deny it or they tell you a long list of stuff that your son allegedly said or did. It doesn’t help. If you need to discuss it with someone then go to the teacher. She’s unlikely to be on the playground and witnessing stuff like this but she may make you feel better if she looks out for stuff like that.

6 year olds can be insensitive and blurt shit out. My kids were great but undoubtedly have said or done their share of shit. Have you discussed with your son what you would do in that situation ? I definitely did a lot of role play at home which hopefully helped in playground situations . Playgrounds have huge ratios ime. A primary school with 100+ kids on the playground are often supervised by a tiny amount of adults and kids quickly learn that they don’t want to waste precious time involving adults.

Thanks for replying. The school flagged up ASD in reception then backtracked. So I guess it is a possibility. That’s very helpful I will get him to role play with me as I agree he does really need to be a bit more assertive. But he is very gentle his 2 yr old brother could upset him. Great advice thank you

I can only roll my eyes while I read some of these comments, the usual perfect parent brigade ready to pounce.

my son had a very similar experience, always crying always upset, always saying he had no friends it only got better in year 4, and now he's in year 5 he's much happier he's found a nice couple of friends, I was forever messaging the teachers and talking to them at the end of the day, it's heart breaking for the parents to see them so sad so I totally understand. But you still have to be mum and discipline so don't worry

ASD is not always very clear at this age if they are high functioning (hated term on here I know). I often used to just put things down to DS's age or being an only child. It often becomes more obvious nearer Secondary school age as the gap starts to widen more.
Might be worth discussing with school again and asking if they could get someone in to observe him. DS had a lady from SEND/SENDIAS come in and she was very experienced and helpful. School were shite and didn't do any of her suggestions tbh but she was really helpful.

I'd speak to his teacher. You don't need to discuss this with your DS and get his agreement. He's 6. He can't choose the best way to handle these things. Hopefully the school can help him forge some healthy relationships with children in his class and encourage him to play with a different group. You can actually get some really nice kids books regarding finding friends and bullying, and how children can deal with these things. Maybe you could read some together? Give him some strategies and hopefully, some confidence.

What about the issues at school now. What should she do?

Honestly, what those kids did is a non event. I would work on his resilience a bit to help him.

Talk to his teacher as schools have well practiced ways to deal with this sort of situation, talking to the whole class, stories about fairness, respecting each other and so on.