Anyone sharing home with an emotionally checked out husband?

[Lostinlife2025]

We are together for over 17 years and have gone through lots of bumpy roads along the years. With two children, one is five. We are both working full time and financially sharing everything.

Hitting a rocky patch in November, started from a explosive row about kids. Husband told me he's done with trying to work out and has nothing else to give. Refused to go for counselling. The end of conversation..

I myself spent the last two months and a half , through Christmas, being miserable and up and down trying to process it from every angle. With numerous emotional breakdowns in front of the kids, I pressed again and he's not changing stance. So I guess that's it, regardless I like it or not.

Not willing to split (yet), because I still love him and DC2 is still too young. So I guess we need to manage under the safe roof somehow.

I don't know how to do this. I feel I don't know how to present myself in front of him. Gut feeling tells me that I can no longer and am not long willing to put the true self in front of him. I won't be able to share information about my life, except things to do with the kids and common friends. We have trip booked for Easter before all this. I guess I will just manage. But summer holiday usually is the biggest thing to look forward to, but we haven't booked any and probably won't book anything in the end. It will be a huge disappointment for the kids and the summer would also become really long if no going away.

If you have similar experience, sharing with your husband with whom you know the marriage is near end, can you please share some tips and give some advice please.

He's a decent guy and certainly isn't cheating. Lots of personality issues, childhood influences and low libo for many many years... I guess it's just a mis-match in the end. Really nothing can be done to drastically change either him or me...

That's so sad for you, I think you have to separate for your own sanity and future happiness.

Your youngest isn't "too young" for you to separate at all. They will come to get used to a 50/50 arrangement as their new normal quite quickly.

Erm, repeated breakdowns in front of the DC is better than separating?

Really?

Don't drag it out. The youngest isn't too young for you to separate. Must be a horrible atmosphere at home and as you've said, you've broken down in front of the kids.. thats more damaging than a divorce. Just don't drag it out like this. Be proactive and focus on your future. Life is short, don't be sunk in misery.

Is it possible he is depressed?
Does he love you? What does he say if you ask matter of factly?
If he doesn’t want to seperate there must be a reason he is still living at home.
Try to do small nice things for yourself. And get some support in real life. It’s important to have people to talk to.
Having some written down boundaries can really help.

I know people always say life is short and so we shall not indulge ourselves in suffering.

But my whole life was built on the belief of sharing and giving which leads to being loved/cared. I don't see life's meaning is to live for myself. Without caring for whom you love and to be loved by whom you care, what is life there for?

At least, reaching the age of 45+, I can't get over this belief along with what that entails.

I agree, the atmosphere is miserable and not for the long term.

The stress to carrying with everyday supporting a household is so great compounding with some ongoing health issues (thyroid, anaemia and medication induced heart burden), I don't think I'm able to carry on like this. And I can believe and resent how he could see me like this everyday without basic decency. (He is doing a bit more, but nothing to relieve the overall burden).

I suppose if it can't be maintained, one day it will just break with no way back...

He's not depressed, but he's not happy either. He felt I've neglected him over years and I have been difficult to communicate (in his way).

All are fair comments. I don't deny. But he's so occupied seeing from his angle without understanding my side of difficulty. Typical, huh?

He said he still cares about me, still loves me and he will always have the connection somewhere in his heart for me. Well, it sounded like a farewell speech, honestly.

I don't know where I could go. I have no family or close friends around to release the bottled up hurt, anger, confusion, deep doubt in myself. Everyday, I go to work and come home, then chores and kids and bed. Weekends were used to be a point for recovery from a week's fast pace. Now weekends became a doubled down testing emotionally trauma. Don't know where to place myself, don't know what I shall say what I shouldn't say. So the safest way is to keep doing things without talking unless being asked. Pathetic, right?

I agree. It probably equals to emotional abuse now. But I don't think he realises that. And I probably need to break down even more to force myself to accept this is the end.

Only been slightly warming up yesterday, as he saw the state that I'm in and started making small efforts. But this afternoon he shouted at me because I disagreed the way he gave in to the little one (he went back on his own words on discipline). I did my part to remain as calm as possible, but with the little one was screaming to protest, he shouted at me.... I get that, it's all that frustration and resentment from him all these years. It's all built up and he won't let them go just by the empty "love" he said he has for me.

I stayed in the bedroom for two hours and now sitting in NERO and don't think I will go back until after 8.

Let the days finish and maybe myself too. What's the point? And I can't bear to be torn by all these feelings forever.