12yr old brokenhearted

[HT245]

My 12yr old started secondary school in September. She always had a close knit friend group at primary school but unfortunately only one of those has gone with her to the new school but isn’t in any of her classes.
I have had her upset telling me she has no friends and I’ve placated her by saying it will come etc by Xmas you’ll be fine.
Well tonight she has broke her heart and ultimately broke mine as she has no one.
Over Xmas she was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes so only returned to school today and in her words no one really asked if she was ok. She said she has tried talking to people but knows that if she joins them they go quiet and feels even more so now they won’t want her as a friend as they won’t want the responsibility of watching her.
Please has anyone else experienced this and does it get better??

Poor wee soul! Yes, had similar with DS in primary school. Sorry I don’t have time to write out all the details but long story short he is now a very happy 17 year old with really lovely friend groups after he “found his tribe” doing several different things.

Maybe help her to try out things where she can enjoy the activity and meet other people with that interest, and friendships will come - guides, DofE, sports, clubs etc.

Sending hugs because it is so hard!

What is her form tutor like? Maybe they could help? No real advice but hope this bumps you and you get more responses. Being a parent is v hard sometimes… hope things improve for your DD

I’m sorry. It does take longer for some than for others. Things move around too - some of those instant groups that formed in the first term may drift apart over the next few terms as they realise they don’t have much in common.

My own DD has not been invited to the party of someone in her supposedly tight knit new year 7 group - ironically someone she’s known for years and we are family friends with.

I think the key is not to read too much into anything, as I say, things will change and the “friendships” that she sees may not last or be all they seem. Everyone is finding their feet.

Has she joined extra curricular clubs where she might meet different groups of kids? Is she still in contact with her old primary friends?

I think I’d try give her the tools and reassurance to build a mindset around all this stuff first.

I’d tell her that other 13 yr olds don’t understand or care about her diagnosis because they are still young and just don’t get it. But that you and the people close to her know what a big thing it is and are there for her.

id tell her kids her age are still stupid and immature enough to be very mean based on nothing and it’s a sign that they are insecure. And that she actually doesn’t need anyone, even though it’s lovely to have friends, but it will come in time and if she watches, waits and tries to give as little a shit as possible, she will find the right friends.

id explain that friends come and go and quite possibly those girls are mean to each other too and have very bad friendship days but she won’t see that. And that unfortunately all this is completely normal.

Then id do my best behind the scenes to speak to her tutor, get her joining stuff both in and out of school for her self esteem and peer building, and id try set the scene for people to be invited over to hang out etc.

Thanks each. It’s nice to know even at this hour I’m not alone.
She doesn’t have many interests apart from her phone and make up obviously.
I have emailed her tutor just asking for a chat and see if that can help.
she’s been through so much in the last 2wks alone I don’t want any extra pressures.
What I thought was a close knit friend group from primary school obviously wasn’t as they don’t bother with each other now.
I just wish, like her, I could wind the clock back before her diagnosis and back to primary.

@HT245

Would the Together Type 1 group organised by Diabetes UK be suitable for her, OP?

https://www.diabetes.org.uk/support-for-you/community-support-and-forums/type-1-youth-programme

My son was diagnosed last summer and started high school in the September. Even though he had friends there from primary he felt lost at sea for a bit getting his head around his diagnosis, his identity and what he could/couldn’t do anymore (for the record, a year and a bit on, there’s not much he can’t do!)

Tell her to hang in there, see if there are local diabetic groups on FB or the like- we have a brilliant one where I am that organised activities for T1D kids. He’s made great friends there. He’s also connected with other children at his school through Young Carers and a Nurture group, so worth seeing if her school has similar provision.

Feel free to drop me a DM - it’s overwhelming as a parent in this situation too but I promise they do tend to get over the hurdles!

Oh bless her, the transition to secondary school is difficult enough without having to deal with a T1 dx too. She has so much to get her head around and her friends have absolutely no idea.

I can suggest a couple of fb groups for you, if you haven’t found them already. One is the Children with Diabetes Group which goes by UK CWD AG, the other, Parents of Children with Type 1 Diabetes in the UK. The latter is probably more active but both are fantastic resources and you will be able to get signposted to meet-ups local to you, if you think meeting others in the same boat will help your DD.

I hope the rest of the week will be better from a friendship perspective.

The first year of high school for both of my kids was torturous. I wasn't overly surprised with ds as he's an introvert and not really that fussed with socialising. Dd I thought would fly through as she's very outgoing etc etc. It was hell, all the stereotypical mean girl stuff. But she's in s3 now (y9 equivalent) and is thriving. She has several school friends but has also made a lot of friends at guides.

You and your Dd will get through this. It feels awful and lonely and your Dd having a health diagnosis won't help.