Feel like I am struggling to fit in?

[orangeegg]

I am in my early 30's, married and mainly though my husband am part of a large group of couples who I am friends with. They are all really nice people I have known for years and I like them and enjoy their company they are good, kind and fun people. I do also have friends of my own who I tend to see one to one and we don't really socialise in a big group.

I am not from the same social class as my husband who is more middle class, privately educated as are most of his friends and their wives. I'm from quite a rough back ground but I did well at school, went to uni (where I met DH) and most of my friends are from posher backgrounds than me. I don't really think I have a chip on my shoulder its more that I can't display the kind of easy confidence and ease which they do.

I don't think its a class thing at all to be honest perhaps more a personality thing but I just find my relationship with my DH's friends kind of unsatisfying as its all kind of superficial chat, where you went, what hip café or restaurant you went to, what you bought, who you saw. They are all very extrovert and I'm quite quiet, I also don't drink which perhaps puts me on the outside a bit. I'm introverted but not especially shy and I quite enjoy having people round for dinner but I just feel a bit disconnected from them. Me and all the women do a book group once every month or so and I thought it would be great but I always hate the books they pick and they don't like the kind of books I choose so I end up picking something I think they will like that I find a bit dull i.e. a thriller or a sort of chick lit book which isn't to my taste. Then at the book group the chat is all very superficial and not even often about the book at all. I don't mind having a general chat but its frustrating when I've read a whole book I'm not even that into and then find the other haven't bothered or don't have anything to say about it maybe someone will say "oh it was so good" and someone else will say "oh I couldn't get into it" and then that's kind of it! Most of the chat is about stuff they bought or are going to buy and tv shows I don't watch.

I do actually like them and am grateful that they include me but I feel like I don't really fit in, perhaps I am too awkward and intense? I am sure they think I'm an odd ball and even by thinking and feeling that way its putting me at a remove from them. I think there are different kinds of friendship but I seem to be very bad at the big friendship group and so prefer if I can have a roll like making a lovely dinner for everyone or doing a games night.

Anyone else like this?

A couple of things stand out to me

You do actually have a good and wide social life. Saying things like “they are good kind and fun people’ sounds like you do get along!
You seem a tiny bit sneery about them liking superficial things. Perhaps they pick up on that?
The book club - isn’t that the point of book club i.e. different people like different books, no pressure, its not “homework” that you have to do.

I’m just not sure what the problem is ? You dont sound lonely, you seem to enjoy their company , you have friends of your own. I’d say you are quite fortunate!

@Sidebeforeself Yeah I was worried I'd sound like I was sneery as you say, the truth is I prefer literary fiction and read a lot of translated books but did get a lot of eye roles when I previously chose a very short book translated form Japanese previously. I do feel like my personality is more serious, which is perhaps not a good thing. I suppose I feel like if ever I let my actual thoughts and personality shine rather than staying very light and casual its kind of laughed at.

I joined Mumsnet today and randomly stumbled upon this message, so I thought I would reply.

I've just moved to a new area in SW London with the fam, and was looking for a bookclub to join - no joy yet.

I found your message pretty funny because I think I would be similar. I'm picky about the books I read, and if I actually managed to fit in finishing the book between work and life, then I would be a bit peeved if no one else had read it :) or even attempted some discussion on it! (For a few minutes at least!! ;))
But I guess if you're with friends then it doesn't really matter, the book is just an excuse to meet up semi regularly - which is nice.

So I guess that means you don't quite mesh with them on a deeper level and perhaps you're just finding it all a bit meaningless as a result....- and I don't think that makes you awkward or intense :) - it just means it matters to you that it all means a bit more (at least that's my interpretation :)).

I can understand where you are coming from OP. You can have friends and people to socialise with and still not have that feeling of connection and sense of belonging.

It sounds like this group will always be people who get along on a more superficial level. If you came from a background of being the first in your family to go to university, you more likely made that active choice from a love of earning and curiosity rather than it being something expected of you. Look for other ways and people to fulfil that side of your life. You probably fit into your DHs friendship group just as well as the others, but it doesn't fulfil you. They might be there in a crisis, which is good but it's okay to see them less and seek out deeper connections elsewhere.