Clubs outside school and making friends

[Dreamerinme]

I often see on here to encourage your DC to do clubs/activities outside of school to make new friends. I wonder in reality do your DC actually make new friends - but ones that they then start to see outside of the club too, not just friendly with each other during the club?

My DS(9) does a variety of clubs which he loves but has never made any new friends at them. He has lots of friends at school and teachers have always said he is friendly, well-liked and respected by his classmates.

I used to volunteer at Beavers/Cubs and some kids know each other already and stick together; at three of his sports classes, which we can watch if we wish, all the kids participate and then leave with their parents - there doesn’t seem to be any kids chatting at any breaks or when they leave. Everyone just seems to turn up, do the sport/activity, and then leave.

Of course, I have no idea if some kids do see each other outside of the clubs too- my point is that they all seem to just the activity and leave with their parent and pretty much ignore each other.

What are other people’s experiences?

I see the same as a Beavers leader. The kids are often in little groups of friends who go to school together. As a leader we do a few more additional things with other leaders so so my son has made friends with their kids that way but not through the regular weekly sessions.

Same with his music groups, he’s friends with someone he already knew but none of the kids there seem to have made new friends with each other.

My DC hasn’t made any friends either at out of school clubs - it’s more a turn up and so the club and leave, although he seems to have friendly chats with some children while he’s there.

I feel it might be more at secondary school where kids have more say who they see out of school hours, and can swap mobile numbers with, who then make friends with non-school mates. At primary it’s mostly about if the parents like each other and want to facilitate friendships based on their mutual like of each other.

Mine are friendly with other kids at clubs but I think it just isn't enough time together to make friends properly

Sort of(!)
Dd(11) has definitely made new friends at football since she started 2 years ago- and the girls have been out for each others birthdays etc but not so much for standard play dates as far as I know. However there are 4 girls who were in the year above her at the same primary school and they are now very friendly and have had sleepovers etc. She goes to a 4 form entry primary so they didn’t mix much if at all before football - but the school connection definitely cemented and intensified the friendship and I doubt they’d have for quite as friendly without seeing each other both at school and football.

She also made a good friend at drama who she used to have play dates with, but that friendship sort of petered out after dd stopped the club.

Other than that people have just stayed as ‘brownies friends’ or whatever.

Dd has done lots of clubs over the years and I’ve always encouraged her to start them alone rather than with people she already knows. Whilst it hasn’t necessarily given her lots of new long term friends, it has given her the confidence that she can make new friends and understanding that the friendships at school aren’t the be all and end all. I think this is so important - especially for tween girls when school friendships can get a bit sour.

Our DC had friends he'd made at 2 different classes when he was this age. One was a swimming class friend and the others from a martial arts class. He also made a friend at church who became the best friend of one of DCs classmates because they met at DCs birthday party.

DS has made loads of friends in clubs ~ but we need to travel a bit for some of them and he often doesn't have classmates there, which makes a difference I think. We're not super close with any of them, but do a fair amount of playdates/get and give invites to birthday parties etc.

In my experience this has happened for my DD only in the last couple of years since she’s has a phone and has been socialising independently, and she’s also in a competitive squad that trains 6 hours a week on 3 different days of the week so she has a lot of contact with these kids and they now socialise during holidays and meet up after training sometimes. It’s not loads but definitely a friend group there. She’s 14.

All mine have made friends at their clubs. I think it's easier to make friends if you are part of a team though eg football or netball.
You are working together to win which I think helps friendships.

I agree that it’s really important especially for tween / teen girls to have something that’s ‘theirs’ that’s outside of school.

We've made family friends though an activity that the kids actually no longer do but not many individual friends otherwise.

I do think it's important to have those activities though simply to diversify the range of spaces and people where the child interacts beyond school, to experiment with new things and develop a range of interests. Actual friends would be a bonus.

As mentioned above, friendships might be more likely to emerge in team sports, but also other activities with intense moments of togetherness/bonding such as performances, camps or travel.