6yo DS hurting other children

[StrugglingMum25]

DS has been hurting other children and I don’t know what to do. We are at the end of our tether. It doesn’t happen every day or even every week (I’d say once every six weeks or so, although this week it happened three times!) The pattern, insofar as I can tell, is that he wants to play with a child who says no and then he gets upset and strikes them (or steps on their toes or pushes them). He’s small for his age and his is teacher said not violent per se but very physical, and obviously it’s unacceptable and is costing him friendships and he’s quickly being labelled as cheeky or naughty by his classmates. This is also perhaps aggravating the situation because he said, for example, this week when he kicked a classmate, that the other child had been calling him mean names and kicked him first. (I don’t know if this is true, he doesn’t like to talk about it and very much doesn’t like to be in trouble,) He doesn’t randomly hurt other children and doesn’t victimise any particular children, it seems to be mostly around feeling left out or having hurt feelings.

We don’t hit at home and besides having seen Kung Fu Panda, Minions, that sort of film, he hasn’t been exposed to other sorts of media that depict violence. He has a younger sibling who he’s never hit or been violent with, in fact is mostly quite gentle and sweet with (of course the usual sibling behaviours of wanting to be in just the place she’s sitting and a bit of accompanying pushing but no hitting or kicking or otherwise). This also doesn’t happen at after school club or in any other setting. And when we’ve had play dates we don’t see this but there obviously it’s just one on one with the other child.

DS is our first but it seems that this isn’t age appropriate, and I would expect this more from a toddler or preschooler? It feels like this has sort just developed over the past year and I’m at a bit of a loss. We are looking into therapy for him to recover from some bullying he experienced and are wondering about an evaluation for SEN but both the therapy and evaluation have long waits. In the meantime I’m at the end of my tether, we talk to him and reiterate that it’s not okay, we remind him to use his voice and not his body, and to tell a teacher if someone is being mean or hurts him, but it keeps happening and I’m worried what will happen if he cannot stop. Any help please?

We are looking into therapy for him to recover from some bullying he experienced what happened here, how was it handled, was it at this school, are the other children involved still there?

he said, for example, this week when he kicked a classmate, that the other child had been calling him mean names and kicked him first. Could this be true?

Thank you. The bullying escalated throughout the year and he was victimised by two children. We did not feel the response from the school was adequate. His teacher seemed to think he was also naughty, this behaviour began last year and escalated as the bullying did. We had photographs of the bruises he had from the other children.

it could be true that the other children (last week for example) did instigate but it is also possible that they didn’t. I want to believe my child - and I do think that the school/his teacher don’t always give him a fair chance - but I know he has begun to minimise his own retelling of the story as it is so divergent from what the teacher said.

Try to have a chat with your son about 'the truth' for now. Explain that you'd like to know each incident as 'the truth' and that it is okay for him to do so without being in trouble. So 'I asked X to play and he said no so I asked again and he said no and I kicked him' won't mean he's in trouble, then stick to the not being 'in trouble'. See if the 3 incidents from this week were all instigated by him, by another or a mix of both if you can get him to relay them truthfully. Talk about feelings and practice together instead of the truth

So if 'his truth' results in him explaining that he was kicked first - then we will talk about how that made him feel and what he can do differently in future (a firm no to the other child and go to teacher) or if he kicked first how it made him feel when they said no to playing - what we will do differently in future.

Explain to him natural consequences - going to teacher because he has been kicked means teacher hears him and speaks to other child, kicking other child means teacher thinks he is in wrong and he ends up in trouble for example - let him think about which outcome seems better to him

Is it always the same child/children ?

Does he have any friends?

Are any of the kids from last year involved?

The school sounds poor. He was being repeatedly physically harmed.

I'd move schools and see if it improves.

He sounds like my son who is on the ND pathway for probably ADHD. In his case the hitting/ kicking is due to poor impulse control. It is common for ND kids to have delayed emotional development - roughly 2/3 of their actual age so more like a 4 year old than 6. He struggles with low self esteem and takes things to heart so when a friend doesn’t want to play or wants to play a different game he really struggles and may lash out in anger/ frustration. It’s a nervous system reaction rather than a conscience choice to hurt someone so traditional punishments doesn’t work and just make him feel worse.

@HAF1119 thank you, yes, we do try to teach him a framework for responding to our questions and telling the truth even when it’s a bit frightening. It’s still so difficult for him though as he’s quite fearful of negative consequences despite our reassurance.

@BlueSilverCats he has one or two children who he plays with regularly, both girls, but one of them is who he hit last week. (Though for reference and perhaps a clarification to further describe some of his “hurting” behaviours, he might do something like: his sister is sitting on the floor. He walks by and puts his foot on her back. I witness it, it is not violent or aggressive and there is no force behind it. I ask him why he does this and he says “I wanted to tickle her.” She didn’t even notice but I tell him we can’t put our feet on people’s backs, this is the sort of thing that older children will say “he kicked me in the back” and he gets in trouble for.) The bullies from last year are in a different class but he does still see them on the schoolyard, in corridors, etc. This is an aggravating factor im sure as one incident of him hurting another child was the same day the other boys found him and told him he was bad and teased him.

@verycloakanddaggers yes we are hoping to change schools but it has been dofficult thus far.

@Kaffiene thabk you, yes that sounds very much like my LO. Very sensitive to being left out and to the teasing of others, and the school only offer punishment and never a kind word or any sort of positive feedback. It’s dreadful, and I will admit that we were initially so shocked by the behaviour they described last year (before we knew the extent of the bullying) and that we also responded to him with stern words and negative consequences, which I’m sure hasn’t helped at all. We are now on a much better path of positive reassurance (that sounds awful but please believe me we have a very loving home) but it still feels we have so far to go. Do you mind sharing what’s worked for you in terms of supporting your DS? And how have his school been with giving feedback other than traditional punishments?