New partner's contact with his ex

[RubiconRubes]

I've been seeing my partner for about 10 months. We were acquaintances for about a year before that.

Things started pretty casually as he was in the midst of a messy break up but over the months we have started to get pretty serious. We talk a lot, are very open with each other and - at the risk of sounding completely naïve - I feel very connected with him in a way I haven't in previous relationships.

The only thing is, he's very sketchy about his situation with his ex. They aren't divorced yet and the break up was very messy. I've always felt the boundaries were a bit odd. He's never denied that they're in contact but he's not at all open about it with me, despite me saying I'd feel more comfortable if he was. Recently, he was showing me something on his phone and shared the link with me. As he opened WhatsApp she appeared in his frequent contacts list and it's thrown me a bit.

I actually don't mind that they're in contact. At the end of the day, that's not up to me anyway. But his unwillingness to be up front about it is making my wary. Am I overthinking?

Nope not overthinking… your spidey senses are going off for a reason. At 10 months you should be in the honeymoon phase still and if he isn’t being honest with you this early on that’s a major red flag.

I’d have a honest chat with him about your concerns and if is cagey and dishonest cool
the relationship until he is properly divorced and lives untangled

This. He isnt fully available.

The point of getting to know each other is you learn about their personality over time. You have concerns. You’re 10 months in, don’t waste any more time on him.

@PivotPivotmakingmargaritas

Exactly my take.

I did have a chat with him about it maybe 6 months ago, and he basically said he never mentioned it because it was a lot of stress for him and he didn't want to bring that into our time together.

Which I kind of get, but I'm not asking for all the gory details, just to know the general situation and not be completely cut off from that part of his life. Until the other day, as far as I knew there was no contact. And I didn't want to come across as controlling by bring it up again I guess.

It's a complete contrast to how he approaches our relationship otherwise. I find him really open, honest and trustworthy in everything else.

It's definitely given me pause.

I've brought it up before, as in, I know there are potential complications in disentangling from a marriage but I really don't think it's normal for him to keep me completely in the dark about it. He said he only didn't mention it because he didn't want it to encroach on our time together. But, this far down the line with me, why is it a secret??

It sets up how he will be in the future with you. Instead of deciding he doesn’t want to encroach on your time, Why doesn’t he ask how much you’d like him to share? Being secretive is not a good sign at all.

Exactly! It's not even that I think there is anything untoward that he's hiding. I just don't want to be in a relationship where some things are hidden or secret.

I've actually made it really clear from the off that I expect a high degree of openness and clear communication due to lack of this being a huge problem in my past relationship. He really seems onboard with that except for this one thing (so far!)