How would you deal with this colleague?

[ThewrathofBethDutton]

We work very closely & communicate multiple times through the day.

She is a lovely, sweet, harmless person, really really nice, but!

She is an interruptor, she will interrupt, talk over me and does not listen.
On a TEAMs call with her yesterday and I was explaining something about a project. She was looking down, clearly checking text messages not listening at all so I just stopped talking.
It must have taken her at least 15 seconds to notice. No acknowledgment or apology for being so rude, just straight into whatever comes into her head about herself.

She does this a lot.

Another example of what she does a lot is I will begin to say that I have XXX in my diary for next Tuesday, she will cut me off and proceed to tell me everything she has every day in her diary.

She is fixated on precise detail so if she is telling me about an email, she will share it (way to small for me to see) and will read it out loud to me including the date & time it was sent,

She will pause to look through her inbox to find a particular item, no matter how long it takes and switches off completely to anything I am saying while she concentrates on finding the thing she is looking for… which has no relevance to the task in hand.

Because she is so nice, I struggle to know how to tackle this. So what would you do to (kindly) address this?

Thanks all.

But she ISN'T being nice is she.

Interrupting, talking over and not listening are not traits of someone who is being "nice."

She is not anxious and as far as I know doesn’t have ADHD diagnosis. She has been like this from day 1.

Nothing about what she's doing is nice.

So how would you deal?

Pull her up on it as she's doing things. "Clearly you've got more important things to do so I'll leave you to them" and disengage.

If I absolutely have to engage with her I'd just send her messages. Bullet points.

No phone calls

You don't have time for phone calls, who does?

Teacher here.

You need to use a B.O.D.O.R.

A "Bloody Obvious Description Of Reality."

I use it all the time with my students. It's a way of letting them know that you have noticed their bad behaviour but you are not gonna be a asshole about it.

Let's say a student has their phone out and is playing with it WHEN THEY ARE NOT MEANT TO.

Thing is... THEY KNOW that they shouldn't be playing with it. THEY KNOW what good behaviour is, they are just CHOOSING not to follow they rules.

Many teachers get sucked into asking questions like "Why have you got your phone out?" Or "What have I told you about phones?"

THIS IS WRONG!!

Use a B.O.D.O.R instead! ..... e.g

"Ryan, I see you still have your phone out."

9 times out of 10, I get an apology... "Sorry, Sir!" Then they put it away. No arguments and no back chat.

And remember to NEVER get sucked into "Secondary Behaviour" ie (The huffing, eye rolling, crying, arguing etc) That bit you COMPLETELY IGNORE --- just as long as they put the phone away, that is!!)

Try it.... It works!

Knowitall69

So saying to her *I notice that you interrupt me when I’m talking, do you need me to signal when I’m finished speaking so I can finish my point?”

or “I notice that you talk over me, do you need me to signal when I finished speaking my point?”

or”I see that you are distracted by texts/emails” so I will leave you to it, give me a call when you are ready to carry on”

This is very bold. She will either be very offended or it will point it out if she doesn’t realise she does it and will reevaluate this behaviour.

As she is a professional adult rather than a young person pushing the rules, I’m not sure it will work in the way it does for you.

@Knowitall69 this situation is so completely different that I wonder why you posted that.

Have you tried phrases like ‘I’m actually pressed for time, could you just give me an overview?’ when she starts reading emails in their entirety or ‘How about we regroup when we are both free to chat?’ when she’s clearly reading texts etc.

Are you triggered because I'm a teacher?

I thought it was helpful actually and I can see how I can adapt it to work with my adult colleagues

I thought it was helpful actually and I can see how I can adapt it to work with my adult colleagues

Agree, I think it's applicable to many situations. I've advocated this sort of approach often, just make a factual statement of 'whatever is wrong'.

I'm going to try it this week

Here.... I've fixed it for you.....

"You just interrupted me."

"You just talked over me."

"You are checking your e-mails."

😆 love this, thanks.
I think we are so worried about hurting feelings that we can overthink these things and actually, it is quite simple! As simple as you say.

If she's looking through her inbox I think it's absolutely fine to say "call me back when you're found it" and terminate the call.

I think it's also fine, if she's clearly ignoring you and checking her phone, to say "do you have something urgent? Let's reschedule when you have time to discuss this".

Inconsiderate (but basically decent) people are often actually quite tolerant of bluntness in return, IME.

As others have said, she is NOT nice!

I think you're being way too accommodating...

Mute her on Teams, keep talking, then unmute her when you've finished speaking.

Don't take her calls, call her when you are ready. If she isn't ready with the issue in mind, end the call and tell her to call you back when she's found the email.

No problem. Have a go. Play around and see if it works for you.

It's a really useful technique BUT THERE IS A CAVEAT.......

I can guarantee that she KNOWS what she is doing BUT if you use BODOR's and she does not modify her behaviour then you are dealing with LEARNT BEHAVIOURS ie

She has LEARNT that if she puts on a ditzy, "I'm really nice", I'm really cute demeanor that SHE CAN DO WHATEVER SHE WANTS AND NO ONE WILL CHALLENGE HER POOR BEHAVIOUR.

in other words..... She's actually being an asshole.

Fuck this. I managed and eventually had to let go of a woman a bit like this. More to it but she hid a range of issues by 'nicing' and got thoroughly unpleasant when I tried is good faith to help her improve.

Do you manage her?

Bullet points where you can, especially actions, rather than verbal instructions.

Be straightforward if she's not listening or texting. 'is that message urgent?'

You could ask her to come with her points summarised or an agenda so she isn't reading out emails, or say 'can you summarise the email please rather than read them out?'

I'd be tough about interruptions too. 'hang on. I'm telling you I've got a meeting at XX because.. '

More than anything I'd speak to her manager if it's not you. They may not be aware of these issues and be able to give her proper training and guidance.

The advice from @Knowitall69 is very good and transferable

I used to placate people far too often, thinking that harmony is best when you work with someone every day. Often, honesty and bluntness is best and actually makes people respect you more. Real disciplinary issues also just escalate if they are swept under the carpet. People respect you more if you have clear boundaries, and you in turn feel stronger and less frustrated at work.

Recently I was very blunt and direct to a colleague who asked me a question in an email in an odd way. I find him very passive-aggressive and don't trust him not to badmouth anyone - though on the face of it he seems nice. He basically asked the question by finding a reference to an old email of mine (from two years ago! - who has time to do that?) and finding something I'd said in there I was going to do and hadn't - because we'd decided to take a different direction rather than forgetting or not bothering. I did help him but also let him know in no uncertain terms that the way he asked was not welcome.

I don’t manage her. It is not an option to take it to her manager.

I need to just put a stop to it because it impacts good communication.
Honestly, she is a genuinely nice person, this is her habit and it’s not just with me, I have been in meetings with other colleagues.
I just don’t think she realises unfortunately.