Just don't know how to resolve anything

[Bugsy09]

Hey

I really dont know what to do,

My boyfriend of 12 years wants a change, he wants to move away.

I feel really happy and lucky to live here (in London) if I'm honest i wanted to live here for the rest of my life. I find the city invigorating, there are so many options and choices. I don't really have any desire to live somewhere smaller or quieter.

Ive put down roots here, i don't feel like starting again. Im 32 i dont feel like it at my age i dont have the mental energy the drive.

At the same time my partner is desperate for a change to try living somewhere more rural as he works remotely. He wants us to move up to the north of England, to yorkshire.

It just doesn't really appeal to me. Nothing about it does. Im happy and comfortable in London, ive been here all of my twenties. I love my hairdresser dentist i have my favourite food places.

At the same time i dont really want to stay here knowing that all i could afford on my own would be a room in a houseshare. It just feels like it would be too uncomfortable for me at age 32 especially when im used to having my own kitchen, bathroom. Weve been living in a spacious 2 bedroom house for the past two years.

I dont know how any of this is going to get resolved. He is completely convinced that yorkshire is the place he wants to be and I feel it will be bleak and uninspiring. The relationship is on its last legs theres been too much unresolved stress and tension and uncertainty. I dont want to keep him here as i kniw hes been wanting a change for such a long time now, hes wanted a change of scene, a fresh start, the chance to afford our own house which we could in Yorkshire. At the same time i dont want to leave the city that i never wanted to stop living in, im happy content and confident here but it would be a shock for me to live in a houseshare after so many years of having our own space.
Also, im 32 and i really want a child soon. Ive been with my boyfriend for 12 years but he won't let it happen as he wants me to prioritise a career first as i havent had a good 'respectable' decent paying 'skilled' job or career all these years, he says hes been waiting on me to get my stuff together. Ive been in temporary jobs low paid jobs etc. It just feels too hard and unfair. Im feeling bitter and devastated after having an abortion six years ago it feels it was my only chance to have a child. It feels such a loss and a waste.

It sounds to me like it's run its course, OP - you clearly both want different things out of life.

This. You want a London life and a child. He wants to move north and have a different kind of life. Time to move on.

it's lucky you realised you want separate things before you had a child together! Just a pity it's taken you 12 years to work this out. You clearly want and expect different things from life. He's dreaming of a rural idle and you don't want to leave London. It sounds like he has a decent job and career and you don't.

You've grown apart, that's all. The people you are now are not the people you were at 20. It's a shame that this means you have to take a step back in terms of lifestyle, but it happens. There is another life for you in London, you just haven't found it yet, so let him go and find his other life in Yorkshire (I live there, it's brilliant but he might find he doesn't like it as much as he hopes he will.)

Just to pick up on one point. Have you ever visited Yorkshire?
I feel like sometimes people who live in London can't see past it. Yorkshire is cleaner, cheaper, and absolutely buzzing and vibrant. It's s a big big place. York, Leeds, Harrogate
and Sheffield are all lively cities with their own character. There are loads of fab little towns.

Neither of you is wrong but you sound poorly matched. You value different things in life.

The relationship is on its last legs

You've summed it up here I think. He has been "waiting for you to get your stuff together" has he? Doesn't care where you want to live? Wants to move you away from all your friends and networks? And for what - is he even moving close to family or where he came from?

It is tough given your age, the fact that you want children soon, and the fact that you will be in a worse financial position without him. But...what is he really offering if you stay with him?

Sorry to sound unsympathetic but it appears you want life all your own way.

I love London too. I wouldn’t want to live in a flatshare and give up my chance of a child either.

But I’d work to make sure I got what I wanted, or learn to accept a compromise. That means prioritising your career and earning potential in your 20s to be able to afford secure housing on your own terms, or exploring living outside London with a person you love because you want a family. Or living in a flatshare again and looking for a new relationship and getting a better job.

What you can’t do is pretend it’s all happening to you against your will and you have/had no choices.

Completely agree with @NoSquirrels

Honestly it sounds like you can only afford to live in London because of him being the main breadwinner. You have spent years in temporary jobs, which doesn’t sound like you’ve been very active in building a career. He’s right that a baby isn’t a realistic option as he feels he’d be responsible for carrying the whole family.

Neither of you is right or wrong. You just want different things. It definitely sounds like the relationship has run its course whether you’re in London or Yorkshire.

So how are you going to take control? If you want to stay there it doesn’t sound like you can afford to rent your current place yourself. That means getting a better job.

But if you feel you’ve wasted 12 years, imagine how you’ll feel if you waste another five.

I think @NoSquirrels and @SoScarletItWas make important points. There are two of you in this relationship, and it sounds as if you can only afford the London life you currently have and want to retain because of his earnings. I don’t blame him for not wanting to bring a baby into that situation, especially if the relationship is in a bad place. Neither of you is wrong. What you want is simply incompatible. It sounds as if he can find what he wants in Yorkshire, and obviously he’s not under the same time pressure re a baby, but your status quo relies on him wanting it too, and he doesn’t.

he won't let it happen as he wants me to prioritise a career first as i havent had a good 'respectable' decent paying 'skilled' job or career all these years, he says hes been waiting on me to get my stuff together. Ive been in temporary jobs low paid jobs etc.

I don’t like the sound of how he talks about you. I wouldn’t want to be stuck in the middle of nowhere with this guy.

What’s the story with work? We’re not all cut out for “respectable careers”.

Middle of nowhere ?

No, but this guy has been carrying the OP financially for over a decade by the sound of it, if she’s always had temporary low-paid jobs and is back to living in a room in a houseshare once he moves north. That makes it his business, especially if a baby is on the horizon and he’s the main provider by some way.

And what strikes me from the OP is that she sounds rather low-energy and unmotivated. I absolutely get loving London, where I lived very happily for my entire thirties, but liking your hairdresser and dentist and having favourite food places are not reasons to stay, and the OP says ‘at my age’ (32!) she doesn’t want to start again, because she doesn’t have ‘the mental energy, the drive’. She’s 32! Not 90! We moved countries when I was 49, and given the timing (a few weeks before the first lockdowns) it was challenging, but it didn’t occur to me that I was too set in my ways for a new life!

This, but also your partner sounds very disrespectful of you.

Has he ever lived rurally before? I am prone to romanticising the countryside when we're on holiday out there but I don't drive and grew up on a smallholding with my grandparents so I know the reality is not very glamorous.

What did you have planned for your future - marriage, kids etc? Have you discussed this at all?

I have to say I wouldn't be impressed with my partner having a series of unsecure, temporary jobs in one of the most expensive cities in the world. What did you plan to do with your life, have things just not worked out or are you drifting until you're a married SAHM? 🙃

He's said he wants to live in Yorkshire, not rurally, unless I'm reading things wrong. Nothing rural about Sheffield or Leeds! And it's definitely not 'bleak'...

He said he wants to try living somewhere more rural - in my mind it's a tiny village somewhere remote, but actually it could be something in between.

I didn't say bleak either, not sure if you're getting me mixed up with someone else?

The 'bleak' was a reference to the OP, sorry if I was confusing. You can live more rurally than London and be within two minutes of a big city in Yorkshire - my son lives on the outskirts of York and they are spoiled for places to walk the dog, but can also walk into the city centre in minutes.

York is a lovely city. However, there are nice affordable areas in the North you can get to London by train in under two hours.

I think you will end up splitting up anyway so better he go and you stay.

There is no easy option here.

Maybe he can go and you can stay and try a long distant relationship.

I recommend you do some exploring of Yorkshire - do a few long breaks and get to know some of the areas.