Self help book for coping with DH negativity?

[SashaTwoShoes]

Can anyone recommend a good self-help book for staying calm and happy when DH is being really negative (moaning!) about work and life admin?

As background, I work away from home during the week and DH and I see each other every weekend, so most of these conversations are over the phone. He usually starts phone conversations by telling me how stressed he is because of all the meetings he has at work, or the reports that are due or the projects he needs to finish or the dentist appointment he needs to make. He'll often say that he can't cope, or that he's feeling overwhelmed.

The problem is that over the last few years I've started to feel really upset and frustrated as soon as these conversations start. So for example he'll tell me that he's stressed and tired because he stayed up all night playing videogames, and instead of just shrugging it off I'll feel frustrated that I always have to hear this, and so I'll snap at him that he should just go to bed at a normal time instead of complaining to me. And then he'll say that me snapping at him makes him feel bad, and I feel worse and get angrier etc. I end up miserable and angry all day afterwards because these conversations feel non-stop every time we talk: there's always something. (DH himself is usually fine later that day! He gets over feeling "overwhelmed" far quicker than I get over being told about it.)

Can anyone recommend a self-help book that might talk about strategies for me to stay serene and cheerful, instead of feeling put-upon and miserable and frustrated every time we talk? I don't even know how to look for it and I'm really sad tonight.

Honestly - it's him who needs to do some self-help, not you.

I have a mood hoover too, it’s really, really depressing. No advice I’m afraid, just solidarity!

I have similar issues.

I'm halfway through Mel Robbin's Let Them.

I think it might help.

Mood hoover is exactly it! 😆It sounds so trivial when I describe it, but I've just grimly eaten my way through an entire packet of chocolate digestives to try and feel better. (And yes, comfort-eating is totally on me, but I do want to find a way to stop feeling like this to begin with every time we talk)

I've just looked this up, it might work - thank you!

So many of the books seem be about dealing with negative people that you dislike, not ones you're married to. Hmm... maybe there's a market there.

God, what a negative bore! I have one like that but he complains about something someone else has done the moment he walks in the door. It's an ingrained habit and I usually roll my eyes and start singing that annoying happy happy song under my breath!

Can you redirect the conversation and jnstead of asking how he is / how his day has been start by asking him what the highlight of his day has been so far, what he had for lunch or jumping in first and tell him something you have done, seen or read that isn't all doom and gloom?

Instead of listening to him complain ask him what would make it better? When he says he's tired from staying up late you could that must have been hard feeling extra tired all day, what is he going to do so that doesn't keep happening?

You could explain that his negativity is affecting you and agree that perhaps he will try to start at least every other conversation with something positive/ asking you how you are doing but if he's anything like mine it'll fall on deaf ears in which case...

why on earth are you thinking you need to work on yourself?

Marriage counselling so at least he knows you are serious

then leave him if he doesn’t improve

no need to be so miserable in a marriage

amzn.eu/d/5g6YYFj

It's a good question @pimplebum, I guess it's because I know that I'm reacting quite badly to it. I'm actually a pretty positive person and this kind of frustrated and angry feeling doesn't feel like "me" somehow.

@AltitudeCheck , that's a fantastic suggestion to force the positivity! Asking him to change does fall on deaf ears because he doesn't see it as negative to begin with, he just sees it as "factual": he does have a lot of meetings and is overwhelmed. But jumping in first and telling him some of my positive stuff might help. Or I guess I could hang up as soon as the negativity starts 😆

And @Spondoolie I've just bought that! Thank you for the recommendation, I think these sorts of cheerful mantras might be exactly what would help.

(I'm feeling loads better just by having had a moan myself on this thread, embarrassingly enough.)

I find calling it out, but in an unemotional way, to be quite helpful.

I often reply with a very dry "thanks, I really look forward to our chats" when he starts ranting at work as soon as I walk through the door.

It's beginning to make a difference and he checks himself.

I'd also recommend the Let Them theory. It helps you to take a step back. It's definitely helped me to shift perspective. I've had to move into a sort of self preservation mode for similar reasons to you. I expect to be snapped at or criticised or ignored most of the time, with the odd lovely moment. Not sure if its intentional, or if im just collateral damage to whatever hes going through. It's bothering me far less now which is allowing me to gain some headspace so that I can try to regain perspective and some confidence in myself.

This needs an honest conversation.

Why is he telling you these things?
Does he have other people he speaks to?
Is he treating you as a therapist, needing to say all of this to someone to process it?
Does he resent you being away and is trying to make you feel bad?
Does he have nothing interesting to talk about?
Does he think he'd upset you if he sounded happy?

What does he get from these conversations? Probably very little. Tell him what they do to you, that they drain you and there is nothing you can do to help.