50th year school reunion

[Slyngel]

I've been invited to a reunion of my now-very-old school year, 50 years after we left. We are all 67/68.

There was an earlier reunion 20 years after we left which I didn't attend.

It was a small private school, girls only, and it seems a lifetime since we left. Although I did well academically, I was socially fairly isolated, shy and lacked self-confidence. I do think that the experience of being a teenager in the early 1970s in that limited and narrow environment (difficult to describe if you had a different experience and/or were at school in a later era) was harmful for my social development, although I don't want to exaggerate the harm (I have had a good life with lots of blessings) and I don't necessarily think that a different type of school would have made much difference.

In the 50 years which have passed, I had a professional career (now retired) but never married or had children. I looked after my mother for a few years until she died in 2022 at age 94. I am now essentially alone and solitary but only occasionally lonely.

I kept in touch with only one friend from schooldays, largely because she followed a similar career route to myself. She did marry and had children, all grown up, and she is now a grandmother. She is keen for me to attend the reunion with her. She will have a lot in common with the other attendees from having had a family and being a grandmother.

I honestly don't want to go. I'll admit to a certain curiosity (or, perhaps, nosiness) in meeting up with old contemporaries and finding out what they have been doing. However I cannot rid myself of the feeling that I will be "judged". I know that this is probably not true, and indeed suggests an element of self-absorption on my part which is not a good, but I just can't rid myself of the feeling. Should I put myself through this at my age?

I am not averse to making new friends out of old acquaintances and, if I thought that this might be an outcome of the reunion, I would consider attending. But the chance of such an outcome from one evening over dinner and drinks in a noisy environment with (perhaps) 20 or 30 other people in attendance, essentially strangers, all greeting each other is highly unlikely.

Just wondered if anyone has thoughts on this, or maybe experiences to share?

Many thanks.

Not sure if this is helpful as not my experience but my mum went to an all girls grammar school and lost touch with most people after leaving but they had a reunion in their 60’s and this lead to regular old girls outings and meet ups which she really enjoyed. I think that - in their 60’s - the people who’d had children had a lot more spare time and were more in the same position as those who hadn’t and were looking to connect with others and do activities. If you’d like to expand your social life then it may be worth a try. It could well lead to a WhatsApp type group to arrange meet ups.

I think I would be inclined to give it a miss, OP.

Not because I think you will be "judged" - I think most people are too self-absorbed to bother - they will be all wrapped up in talking about their grandchildren and their retirement activities. My guess is that you are probably your own harshest judge!

But if you didn't form a connection to the place or the people it doesn't sound promising. Reunions are just that - people get back together and catch each other up on the present. I agree that forming new connections at an event like that would be a long shot.

I went to a reunion, also a girls' school, which was on Zoom because of the pandemic. It was certainly interesting (and a little weird) to see those faces after all that time. But it didn't lead to anything, and I never went to another one.

@Slyngel We had a reunion 50 years after we started so we were early 60s. Around 2 years later two people married! They had led totally separate lives and only one had been to the previous reunion at 30 years. The other was working abroad. By 50 years, both were retiring. So you never know.

I think it’s ok to be curious about others but no one was judgy. Although as someone who didn’t amount to much at school, I was quite pleased at my career! I’d probably go with your friend. It’s hardly much out of your life. Keep expectations low.

If it is local and you can go under your own steam, I'd go if I were you. Decide you will give it, say, an hour. I think you might be surprised. I'm in my sixties, none of my friends have grandchildren. Many people there of will be newly retired, working out a world without work and trying to find a new way of living, just like you. You may find common interests. What do you have to lose if you go?

I've never been to a reunion from my school, but have been to several of my DH's. The latest one last summer was really nice, even from a spouse's point of view where I don't know that many people. It is so nice to see school friends reconnect and have a good laugh over some incidents in the past, reminisce about favourite (or disliked) teachers, and generally catch up.

I didn't feel there was a competitive feeling regarding social status, number of grandchildren or career success. People seemed just generally happy to see one another.

I think every single person there will have the same fear. Judged for not having a career, for being overweight for not having hobbies, for being a single mother, for never travelling, for having too many kids etc. Personally I think you should go, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I had a university one a few years back, it was 20 yr graduation so we were mid 40s. It's a funny age where the lifestyle gap of career v family is huge.

The organiser set up a WhatsApp group to confirm details etc. A few days before she bravely sent a selfie from the hair dressers making a joke about her grey hairs and the need to impress us. Someone replied saying they had 2 facials in preparation because they had so many crows feet. It went on and on and it was so funny, everyone joking about their insecurities. The one I remember most was one man saying he really wanted to wear a hat to cover up his awful bald patch but thought he would look like a knobhead and wasn't sure which was worse, bald or knobhead. Everyone told him to do what made him comfortable and then he said he would wear the hat and please don't judge. It had never occured to me these people had issues, i was so focused on the fact they had big careers and i was a SAHM and that they would judge me. By the time we got there it felt so comfortable. It was actually a lovely experience and even more now as someone died suddenly weeks later. I was so so glad I went.

I’ve only been to one, 25 years after o levels. With quite some trepidation. I found that everyone had aged (somehow I’d forgotten that they’d all be my age), and that I had far less common ground with the people I’d imagined (the ones I’d been friends with at 16) and far more with others who’d followed completely different life paths but suddenly in their forties were finding themselves in a similar place to me. I can’t quite explain it, but it was far nicer than I’d expected.
I can’t pretend I’ve re-made any friendships as a result, but it was nice to see some people turn out to be lovely adults - if that makes sense?

Go!

We had a similar reunion in the autumn. Girls convent boarding school.

There was some WhatsApp chat in advance which revealed a level of emotional abuse from one of the nuns (who ended up in a psychiatric hospital) and the fact that very few of us had enjoyed school. We had each been unhappy in our own way, and as teenagers too self absorbed to realise others were struggling.

The reunion itself turned out to be fun. A group of nice interesting women. Strangers but with a lot in common. A lot of prosecco was drunk, and to some extent peace was made with the past.

50 years on is a good time. People are still fit enough to attend but too old to be comparing careers or achievements. Everyone had experienced knocks of one sort or another.

Someone made a great speech including inviting tributes to those who were no longer with us. Someone told me that the thing they remembered about me was my smile. I had felt very alone at school so this was something to treasure.