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Helping my ex

19 replies

Spaghettihair · 08/01/2025 17:36

I rent out a maisonette out which is due to become vacant. I’ve been divorced 10years.

My ExH is currently living in a friend’s spare room near his work site following a subsequent relationship breakdown. This means my DC are now a train journey away from him and can’t stay on weeknights due to room sharing, they’re too young for their own phones etc so are feeling the distance.

He’s been out of his relationship nearly 8mo and has made no concrete plans to move back.

I feel perhaps I should offer him the property with no deposit to give my children (and his younger ones) better access to their father, however I’m reluctant to as I worry renting to him would mean I couldn’t sell up without booting out numerous kids including my own. Oh, and any rent increases would be super awks. And obv renting to/from someone you know feels really odd.

On the plus I do know (relationships aside) he’s a reasonably reliable sort who isn’t going to open a brothel or I don’t know, take in hundreds of incontinent feral cats. Gainfully employed, no convictions or substance dependence etc.

My husband thinks it’s an awful idea to even countenance and is actually cross I’m even considering it which is making it hard for me to untangle…

Additional context would be the rental is the property ExH & I lived in and both these (and other) relationship breakdowns are due to infidelity on his part which does colour my DH’s reaction.

Am I being a complete mug for even considering this? Is my DH having a purely emotional reaction?

OP posts:
AltitudeCheck · 08/01/2025 17:39

100% with your DH on this, sounds like a terrible idea!!
Don't rescue yuru ex... his housing problem is not yours to solve.
Don't mix family money / property with your ex and his situation
Just... so many reasons... just Don't!!

SheilaFentiman · 08/01/2025 17:39

I wouldn’t do this. Too much potential complication

Spaghettihair · 08/01/2025 17:41

SheilaFentiman · 08/01/2025 17:39

I wouldn’t do this. Too much potential complication

Thanks I think this is the key actually!

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Bob02 · 08/01/2025 17:55

Don't do it. If he doesn't pay the rent will you evict him and his/ your children and make them homeless? You're yo personally involved and a landlord/ tenant situation should be a professional one.

Does your ex even want to move nearer to his kids? Is he saving a deposit? I mean if he wants to move you could offer him help will the deposit as a one off favour.

Daleksatemyshed · 08/01/2025 18:00

I know you're thinking about it for your DC sake but there's so many ways this could go wrong. He cheated on you and the next woman so he's a man who thinks of himself before anyone else, would he be a demanding tenant to get back at you, would he stop paying the rent knowing you wouldn't want to upset your DC by throwing him out?
If you've been divorced for ten years and he hasn't sorted himself out then it's probably not going to happen Op. He damaged your DC lives by cheating and he's done the same to his younger DC too, he's not a man I'd want to help out

Eviebeans · 08/01/2025 18:09

AltitudeCheck · 08/01/2025 17:39

100% with your DH on this, sounds like a terrible idea!!
Don't rescue yuru ex... his housing problem is not yours to solve.
Don't mix family money / property with your ex and his situation
Just... so many reasons... just Don't!!

Edited

All of this
you would never be able to ask him to leave as it would mean turfing several children out and they may feel you should let him stay- “after all it did used to be dad’s house and he doesn’t have one now - pleeese!”

Spaghettihair · 08/01/2025 18:15

Eviebeans · 08/01/2025 18:09

All of this
you would never be able to ask him to leave as it would mean turfing several children out and they may feel you should let him stay- “after all it did used to be dad’s house and he doesn’t have one now - pleeese!”

Oh god yes he would certainly tell people he originally bought it and no doubt make out to the kids he’s entitled to live there as an original owner (not that I bought him out and he’s renting)

OP posts:
Umidontknow · 13/01/2025 14:29

As a mum I can see why you thought of it as would work well for your kids, but I just wouldn't! He needs to sort out his own messes and it will be filled with problems.

SauvignonBlonk · 13/01/2025 14:34

Definitely not. There’s far too much opportunity for things to go wrong.

BruhWhy · 13/01/2025 14:41

My main concern would be that he would begin to feel entitled to be there, given he once owned it. Start paying rent late or not at all, making changes to the property without your permission, taking the piss basically because what will you do? Make your kids dad homeless?

Your husband is 100% correct honestly.

TishHope · 13/01/2025 14:41

Your DH is right, it would be a terrible mistake.

SandieWooz · 13/01/2025 14:48

Terrible idea. In fact I’d go one further and sell the property.

Niknakcake · 13/01/2025 14:53

Renting to him would be a possibility if you went through an agency. Then they deal with all the day to day stuff and it keeps your distance.

Swiftie1878 · 13/01/2025 15:16

Don’t even think about it!!!
Yikes! You’re crazy!

Private1980 · 13/01/2025 16:07

You could suggest to him that the property is coming available and that your happy to not take a deposit but he will need to go through the agency to sign everything that way your not dealing with it. But it all depends if you have a ok relationship with him now when me and hubby broke up a few years ago back together now we spent a year apart and I'll be honest I still trusted him the break up wasn't cheating just life but if you think it could work and you don't get involved why not you've moved on. At least your kids will always know you tried if he refuses then it's on him.

Pherian · 14/01/2025 14:43

This is not a good idea. Before you even consider it further it may be wise to speak to a solicitor. Ensure any final orders for the finances are in place and rock solid because if you have to evict him out of your previously marital home… sounds like an awful shit storm.

strawbearing · 14/01/2025 15:18

NO!

Plumedenom · 15/01/2025 20:21

Do you know how little he would do for you if the tables were turned? Or for your kids? Concentrate on your husband who clearly has his head screwed on and let your ex sort out his own messes.

Spaghettihair · 16/01/2025 19:57

Well, there’s been a bit of a development in that I’ve learnt a bit more about his current living situation and feel I can’t really let overnight contact continue.

It’s made my mind up that I certainly wont rent to him. He’s living like a teenager not a person with dependents and has clearly made no independent moves to remedy his situation since it began. I think if I house him I’m just papering over some absolutely terminal cracks and doing no one any favours long term

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