How much work should a 6 yo be?

[Quiteworriedmum]

Not trying to be funny but genuinely wondering whether there's something going on with DS, who just turned 6. He was the happiest baby and toddler, always smiling, laughing, engaged. Met all of his milestones on time, no concerns from heatlh visitors. Started at nursery when my mat leave ended (1 year), no concerns there, and switched to a primary school nursery at 3.5. Had a fantastic first year, good feedback from teachers there, they said he was a bit shy but warmed up quickly and had a small group of friends. His teacher was actually the SENCO lead for the school. But then we moved overseas and everything went downhill. He started Reception and coudn't fit in, was constantly picked on by a couple of the bigger boys (DS is small for his age). Seemed a bit nervous, and did things that the teacher said were inappropriate, and she would punish him (put him in the corner away from his classmates). That was a year ago, this year it's only a tiny bit better, still getting punished despite us telling the school he's quite sensitive and responds better with positive reinforcement. The school are pushing to have him evaluated but we don't have much faith in the system here. Here are some examples of his behaviour (these things have happened over the course of the year, not every day, week, or even every month):

• He drew on a classmate's hand after she called him names
• He hit someone after they kept shouting in his face whilst playing football
• He still has trouble sharing, they say he makes friends easily but when that friend wants to play with a different child or play with a group, my DS walks away and doesn't want to "share" the friend so plays on his own
• When he is punished sometimes he makes silly faces instead of acting appropriately ashamed
• At the afterschool programme, he was putting his orange slices in his water glass and drinking the water, so other children joined in, too. The teacher found this disruptive and was unhappy that my DS had "started it."
• They tested his language and he was average for reading and 1 level below average for writing (but the teacher said this was normal because they haven't learnt all the letters yet), and 1 level below average for vocabulary (but they tested him in a second language), but that it also might be a cause for referral to special needs education.

At home, we've noticed a change in his behaviour, too, and it feels like I never know whether we'll have a good day or a bad day, which is exhausting. Sometimes it's weeks of "good" behaviour and then it switches. Here are some examples:

• He mostly communicates well but sometimes still has tantrums. Tantrums are usually related to being tired or hungry, or after a longer school day.
• He also sometimes talks in a baby voice when he's nervous or feels ashamed.
• He can also sometimes be a bit wild, jumping on the couch despite us saying no, and has to be told 2-3 times to stop. Never runs round the room or anything.
• Sometimes seems to shut us out, for example if I ask him to wash his hands and he wiggles onto the countertop (instead of gettting a chair to stand) he refuses to get down and it becomes a big drama. But usually he's quite flexible, just sometimes he picks some thing to pick a fight over and I never know what it will be or why.
• He has a 2 yo sister who he is mostly very sweet with, showing her how to do things, reading to her, helping her at the playground. But sometimes he pushes her (he wants to sit right there on the sofa, exactly where she's sitting) but he's never been violent with her
• If he is very, very angry (which maybe happens 1-2 times every 3 months) he will reach out to strike me or DH during a tantrum but it's almost more like a toddler unleashing their fury rather than a directed act of aggression if that makes sense. Never throws things, kicks, bites, etc.

I'm just a bit lost because I hear friends say their children are growing out of this but I feel like things are only getting harder. It's hard to know what's going on in the classroom as the incidents (whilst not okay) seem relatively infrequent and mild? DH and I are very tired and are so surprised by the behavioural changes in our child. Whilst we are waiting/contemplating a referral for review, the waitlist is at least 6 months. I am wondering whether any of the above raises a red flag for SENCO or if this just sounds like standard 6 yo boy energy? Any suggestions for parenting here? I'm knackered.

Sounds normal

It'll be the move

You could have his eyesight and hearing checked to rule out any problems with these

I always find parents are given a sanitised version of their child’s behaviour at school as teachers are concerned about upsetting them.
If the school are concerned I would definitely go ahead with the assessment. You will get a proper idea of any problems or not, and, if needed, early intervention is always best.

I would go ahead with the assessment. A lot of those behaviours are not typical for a 6 year old.

@FloralGums thank you, we are willing to have him assessed but the waits are quite long and we do feel they are harsh with our child. We have asked for explicit descriptions of his behaviour and these incidents, so what I’ve written above is what they’ve told us. There haven’t been many others in the year and a half. I just find it odd that he was fine before the move (new country, new language) but am also aware that SEN sometimes only pop up at the beginning of school as the child is put into more stressful situations, or situations that tax their neurodiverse minds. But he also had a year in a school setting in the UK and was fine there, so it feels so puzzling.

@Mosaic123 we did have his hearing and eyesight tested, all fine

Perhaps the problem is that you pander too much to his "sensitivity" (frankly he doesn't sound very sensitive!) and use "positive reinforcement" when what he actually needs is firm behaviour management and clear consequences?

None of this sounds that bad. My nearly six yo does all of this stuff too (but is lovely ~80% of the time!) He’s clearly been unsettled by the move. He’s only six and is still learning how to interact with others. I don’t like that the school/you use the word punish. Sounds old school. You mention him being tested in a different language, did he speak the language before the move?

@NoCheesesForTheMeeces thank you - I do believe we are consequential at home and he is aware of the boundaries. I say he’s sensitive because when we talk about what’s happened at school he says he mostly feels embarrassed or ashamed or sad and has very much internalised this idea that he is naughty. It’s not at all that he doesn’t care but he doesn’t seem to process it in a “typical” way, he gets a bit of nervous energy instead before later becoming sad and withdrawn about it. Maybe this also goes along with being neurodiverse?

@downhere thabk you, it helps to know other children are like this too. And yes we are very unhappy with the punishment system from the school. It feels like we’re living 100 years ago. He did speak the language before moving, spoke it well but not quite fluently. And also never had “lived” in the language so all of the social things, the school interactions, even the songs they would sing, were new to him. So it has been a lot for such a wee chap.

It may well be the move.

Bullying in particular can really change a child's personality as they become withdrawn and anxious and struggle to cope.

The combination of a different language, bullying, trying to fit into a completely different set of social rules may well mean he is very anxious, finds it harder to use words to communicate and therefore gets frustrated and is silly or hits, etc.

He may have SEN. But many children find moving school in the same country difficult, much less an international move plus change of language plus bullying.

Is the whole school system there more punitive than the U.K.? Can you try to find a school that has more "international" children and is a bit more inclusive and where he is less likely to be bullied?

I’d check his behaviour isn’t due to bullying. Anyone could have more erratic responses if that’s the case

This. OP, you come across like you can't see the wood for the trees. He's moved countries and started school in a different language. Of course he's out of sorts. Also, bullying shouldn't be expected in Reception - this part really stood out to me, and I wonder if this is also a cultural difference, in the way children behave at school in this new country. Instead of searching for a diagnosable condition and focusing on neurodiversity, remember he's a small boy who has been through an international move. Oh, and he's had a new sibling enter the family too, making her presence felt more as she grows into toddlerhood.

The examples of his behaviour and reactions sounds like a normal, not always very happy, little boy. It comes across like you (or the school) are expecting a waxwork doll who's never bothered by anything and has no impulses (I can't believe anyone made a serious issue out of children putting their orange slices in their glasses of water! This is the kind of thing my daughter does at every mealtime, just to see what it's like... It's the curiosity of childhood!). Ditto jumping on the couch etc.

OP said she knows her child responds better to positive reinforcement.

Spounds pretty avarage to me for a 6 yo.

Moving abroad (leaving home, friends, family, town) is hard work too even for young children.

New home, new school, new friends, different culture, new school /society language - it's hard work!

The school system and age-related expectations may be quite different from the U.K., especially if it’s somewhere like France. Would you be willing to say which country? And would you trust the outcome of an assessment? Have school said what they think he needs assessing for?

Agree with all this. Couldn't have put it better myself. We moved within the same country when my sons were 8 and nearly 11, and they both went through a tricky couple of years behaviour-wise. One is somewhat ND but not at 'diagnosis' level. Think how much many adults struggle with change, and then apply that to children, who are lacking the tools and, importantly, the control that adults have.

Which country is it?

@BlackBranches yes, thank you, that’s exactly it. Seems my intention hasnt come across clearly and this is precisely what I’m thinking. DH and I feel that DS has been through a tremendous amount in a short time for such a young chap, and we’re just shocked that the school are saying he needs to be assessed by a psychologist. That’s why I’ve posted here, it feels like they’re gaslighting us or something, like am I missing something completely? I know he shouldn’t strike another child for example, but if someone was screaming in my face and refused to stop, I understand the temptation strike them too!

I do admit he can be strong willed and it feels like there are days he’s full of emotions. He was always a bit shy for example and we recently had guests over for dinner. I asked him to wash his hands before eating and instead of pulling a chair to the tap, he climbed on the counter and was splashing water about. I asked him three times to stop and come down and he didn’t and I had to raise my voice and lift him away. He wasn’t flooding the counter or anything but being a bit cheeky and ignoring me—certainly wanting attention from me in the presence of the adult guests where he felt shy. I ask myself now that the school have raised concerns, is this normal or is this some sort of Autism spectrum or ADHD? Previously I would have thought he was just being a shy or cheeky 6 yo but now I don’t know.

Well, if he's neurodiverse, then so is mine (she isn't)! He really does sound normal and the school's expectations (particularly as they know he has moved from overseas) seem odd. It seems like they have him under a microscope as if there is something innately wrong with him, without factoring in anything else, like his circumstances, cultural differences, etc. I hope things go better for you all; this sounds like a sad situation to be in, feeling like your son is unsupported by the school. Even if his behaviour is below their expectations (and I know this can vary by country and culture), it doesn't mean he has some kind of psychological disorder. All the best