If your child is in Y7 please come and talk to me...

[Acunningruse]

As I feel like Im getting everything wrong. The Christmas holidays were spent having to constantly cajole/encourage/threaten removal of screen time to get him to do ANYTHING other than see or talk to his friends. Any request to do something other than what he wanted to do were met with strops or a barrage of questions- where are we going, who will be there, how long will we be there...

We've enforced consequences for rudeness/shouting ar us but uts been utterly wearing.

Is this usual for Y7s? I spent large parts if the holidays in tears for the magical Christmases we used to have as a family but now he doesn't want to spend any time with us at all.

Friends with older kids say this is normal but hes only 12! I really feel like we should have some boundaries and enforce some family time but I don't want him to resent it even more.

Any advice appreciated.

‘enforce some family time’

Bloody hell OP - if you’re looking for your 12yo to resent and avoid you then this is one sure fire way of doing it! Count your lucky stars that he’s happy and has friends to socialise with. Many, many parents would love to be in your position.

I really don’t understand the issue? Of course Christmas isn’t going to be as magical as it was when he was younger, he’s growing up! It would be strange if he still wanted to spend every moment of the holidays with you.

DD1 is Y7. We didn't change her phone limits so she only had the same 2 hours she always has although a few days she asked for more. Unlimited TV time though and she will watch for hours.

We didn't do much because the rest of us were ill. She was very happy to go to a garden centre for a Santa VR experience. However moaning about going for a walk in the woods absolutely par for the course.

She's not a massive fan of board games but we played quite a lot of the games she does like. She's got about the same tolerance as I have to be honest, a couple of card games is enough for me!

Pick your battles at this age.
There was probably some visiting/visits of extended family that really was mandatory. That would have been enough for my DC.

If you'd like your DC to spend quality time with you, then get them to suggest what they'd like to do. And accept that any time is good time - it doesn't have to be heavily choreographed outings.

Mine is yr8 now, but we have had exactly the same since he started high school. My only request is that he walks the dog each day with us during holidays and weekends, for some family time. Or comes to the shops. Just something away from screens. I think it is essential he spends time with us as a family each day and not shutting himself off in his man cave. Sometimes it’s a moan but he does it. Others, like this morning, he is really quite rude and disrespectful and flat refused. I took his Xbox away and he finally relented. We had a nice walk. He has been lovely ever since. It’s just getting him out in the first place that is so hard.

What we think of as teenagers are actually 11-16 year olds IME

The establishing themselves, the rudeness, eye rolling, the psychological separation from the family unit, the stinky armpits, the crusty socks, the knowing everything, the dubious hair.

Once they are actually old enough to actually go out and make their way in the world, have a job, some adult responsibilities, have lots of friends they can see in places that aren’t home, at college etc, most of that teenageness is actually gone.

So, don’t think teenagers are 13-19. Lots of them (in my humble opinion) are 11-16.

My DS is in Y7 and we have definitely noticed a change in him but have put it down to getting older / hormones starting to kick in so are cutting him some slack.. we do encourage him to join in and sometimes it has taken some persuasion but once we are playing games / out and about he is generally fine.

the whole how long are we going to be there / what time is it / when are we going home is something that he has started to do recently too - not sure why but it does drive me mad!

One thing we did do was move his playstation and TV out of his room , this was because we couldnt get it to work on the downtime settings on our home network so he kept staying up late. This has been really positive as i don't feel like he is in his cave as much! Its in the kitchen / diner / family space so even if he is playing hes still interacting with the rest of the family.

DD is 12 and still likes to come out with us, but we indulge her a bit by going to things she really likes (gigs, theatre, ballet, shopping, meals out, immersive insta-friendly places, light trails). We've always done a lot of family days out, the type of activity has changed.
She definitely isn't into the Santa type stuff any more but that's to be expected.

We’ve got the console downstairs so the DCs have to interact with us to some extent! We do also insist on family time but it’s usually something they will agree to walk such as a walk with promise of hot chocolate afterwards, shopping, a meal, cinema and so on. It gets expensive. They are of course still expected to visit family with no fuss

DS is 11 and has been a bit of a pain the past week or so. He always gets like this taken out of the routine of school.

He's been questioning everything, just like yours @Acunningruse. If we're headed out he doesn't want to go, then how long are we going for, why do we need to go etc. Talking to DP about what we need from the shop and he's asking why we need bin bags. DP asks me about a phone call I'd had earlier in the day and he answers for me.

It's annoying but I try not to be too hard on him. He's probably under stimulated as we've been working on the house and not getting out much. When he's back in his routine of seeing his pals at school and football he'll get back to normal.

I have a 12 yr old and 2 older as well.
What I found works is to draw up a plan with them for the holidays.
I let them know that we would be having some family time, some movie nights and what our expectations were for the holidays. This included chores.
Bribe them with snacks and food.
The gaming is definitely an issue but I had strict limits of 2 hrs at that age and that was the 2 hrs before dinner. So, they were forced to do something else.
I'm really strict about getting out for fresh air. I've often sent my teens to the shop just so they'd get out and see some daylight.
I swear, the nicer you are, the more horrible they become. When I'm strict and force them to clean their rooms or help with the housework, no matter how cross and bad tempered they are about it, they are much nicer afterwards.
If I'm nice and laid back, they're more argumentative and moody.

Yr 7 is a massive transition for them, emotionally, mentally and physically. He was probably exhausted.
We have an informal agreement that the first week of holidays DD gets complete downtime, no need to come out of her room of she doesn't want (with the usual screen time limits in place etc). By the end of the first week she is starting to feel more human and sociable.
We then plan family stuff for the 2nd week onwards.
If DH and I are planning annual leave we book it for 2nd week onwards. Made easier cos I wfh so am still around if she needs me

DS is almost 12, he doesn't want to come out with us anymore, wants to play, meet up and chat with his friends. We also didn't have a magical Christmas this year, it was sad but I get it. He's at that funny age and I'm just riding the waves lol luckily I have a 17year old that doesn't mind him being home when we take our 8 year old out.
It's normal, I remember my eldest being the same. He's happy, healthy, polite and responsible he just doesn't need his mum so much anymore 😔

I disagree with everyone here.

he’s a child. you’re the adult.

take away the bloody phone, the xbox, the tv.

if you don’t you’ll end up with a zombie who can’t even speak to another person.

Bollocks.
I would say I'm pretty strict around most things but we all need downtime and forcing them to do anything will only backfire. Yr 7 is a huge transition for them.
They need to recharge after a school term, especially the first term at secondary

I have a year 7 and he's a bit jeckle and Hyde at the moment either absolutely lovely and also amazing with his two year old brother or completely rude and ignorant.
Also have to force him to do most things even showering can be an absolute drama.
Definitely firming up the rules and boundaries this school term.

My Y7 isn't anything

@twistyizzy absolutely. This is the problem with today’s society. Downtime is glued to a computer, doom scrolling social media. Not doing puzzles with the family, making cards, going for walks, swimming, snuggling up and watching a movie.

mental health problems skyrocketing, children with anxiety in school unable to attend classes, social skills through the floor.

respectfully, you’re wrong. I have a y7 child myself thanks. The Christmas holidays had all of the above, plus sleepovers and play dates with friends, phone calls with them and the like. But absolutely not constantly glued to it and being an arse if asked to join us! Manners are free.

if they were like that, screen time is gone. They’ll soon learn that to have that, they have to be part of the family too.

My year 7 isn't anything like what you describe.

Yes he wants to speak to friends online and game, but that's only done when there's nothing else going on in the house... ie I'm busy working or just chilling myself.

If we are going out or watching a film together or visiting people then that takes precedence. He wants to do stuff together just as much as I do.

As for staying in bedroom for a WEEK - that's a route to mental health issues in my opinion. It's possible to decompress from a busy term by doing healthy things - swimming, walks, low key chatting, just pottering around at a slower pace. Gaming / you tube etc for hours on end is detrimental.

My year 8 dd has been like this too op. Took her to a show and a panto and all she wanted to know was how long they lasted so l said next year, l am not going to make her sit through these things. It is def an age thing.
She had the odd sleepover but the magic of xmas isn't a thing any more - told her it's just a knackered hard working mum who wants everyone to have a nice time anyway!

Where did I say my child was glued to a screen or that we don't go on walks etc?
If you read my original comment it clearly says that we let her decompress for the first week (in her case this involves reading books and she read 3 in that first week including To Kill a Mockingbird) and then plan all the family stuff for the second week onwards.

FYI this Xmas we went beachcomber, rockpooling, daily 2 hour dog walks, to the theatre and ballet. None of which would have been possible/enjoyable if she hadn't had that first week to unwind.

Not all kids are how you imagine them to be and not all parents just let their kids vegetate in front of screens when we say they are having downtime.

I didn’t read your first post, I was responding to what you said to me, which was that what I said was bollocks and I said to remove the screens. Hence why I was responding regarding screen time.

This. In our house the parents are in charge. Sulking /whinging about family time = waiting even longer for screen time.
Phone time is heavily limited, consoles/computers/tablets also limited and only permitted in communal family areas.
We had a lovely christmas, dc enthusiastically participated in cooking, board games, family movies, time spent with family and friends.

Because nowhere did the OP say she had given him any downtime. An overtired child after their first term at secondary is obviously going to be emotional and it is also natural for them to want to be with their friends more than their family.

I 100% agree with limiting screen time and having meaningful family time but if you are forcing them to do that it becomes counter productive. The key is to strike a fair balance so they want to spend time with their family rather than it be a punishment and a chore.

The first reply was exactly my response too.

Sounds like you are creating conflict where there needn't be any.