What to say to work colleague who is losing a child

[Gofastboatsmojito]

Hi,

Not sure of the right place to post so I hope this is OK here. Bereavement felt intrusive of me

A work colleague, I'm his manager, is likely losing a teenage child this year. I'd really appreciate some guidance from any one who is kind enough to share some wisdom about what to say or what to avoid

I will speak to HR at work too but they can be quite robotic, and really i want to be the best human I can be when it happens so it's that side I'm after advice for.

Thanks

I would send a message to say I’m so sorry for their loss and to let me know if there’s anything they need from me. Please keep in touch to let me know what you need at this time. we’re here for you so please take the time you need and we’ll cover everything at this end so please don’t think about work until you are ready.

Something along the lines of

“I’m so sorry to hear about what you and your family are going through. I can’t imagine how difficult this must be. Please know that I’m here for you if you need anything, whether it’s someone to talk to or help with work. My thoughts are with you and your child.”

It’s key to offer support without overwhelming them or offering solutions they may not be ready to hear. Let them know you’re there for them in whatever way they need.

Do you have one to ones with him regularly? I'd say that if he wants to talk, you are there, and if not that's fine too. Do you have an employee assistance programme he could access? Maybe flag that as a possibility as a neutral space.

He might also try to power through at work and maybe take on extra stuff as a means of having some control when he doesn't with his personal situation, I've seen that happen, so do keep an eye out.

Chances are they won’t ask you for help. Offers of help are pointless, well meaning, but pointless, unless you’re really close and they actually will ask you.
Be pro active. Ask if they’re going to the hospital etc…. If you know they are, just make a lasagne etc…. And say, I hope this helps…I’m sure you’re tight for time in the evenings.
They will potentially be going under with housework and lifts for other children. Is there any way you could help there??

Offer late starts on a Monday, and an early finish on a Friday, even if it’s just half an hour, it will be appreciated.

Can you talk to HR now about what can practically be offered - eg can you use your discretion to extend bereavement leave and time off as needed now? On full pay? If you can get those things sorted now, it will be hugely helpful.

I would let them know that you're there to support them in work, and ask what you could do to help them at work.

I think letting him/her know that you’re aware that they’re going through an unimaginably dreadful time and you’re around if they want to chat, or need a coffee or a distraction
and just want to talk about the weather, to just let you know. (When people know you’re going through heavy things they tend to give you too much space or they hover like grief vampires. It’s hard to know where the middle ground is, I know…. Just let them know you’ll follow their lead and be available to them in whatever capacity they need.)

My DD died, what I really hated was people were scared to mention her at all. People are petrified of death especially of the young as it is such a tragedy.

What I have found is I always say to people going through something terrible is if you need to talk about it please do but also if you do not want to that’s also fine.

What I also hated was when people were overly upset about it, like it’s my upset and not yours. They were very over dramatic.

If it was me I'd like to know exactly what I was entitled to in terms of leave etc. I'd also like to know if there was any counseling available through work and how I should access that if I felt the need.

I think you should agree some sort of back up system with all the others in the dept so if they suddenly have to run, others can pick up where he left off.

As people have said, there's not a lot you can say but I always think saying something in these situations is better than not, even if it's not exactly the right thing.

I would simply say "I'm so so sorry. Let me know what you need and when you need it." And then follow up with specific offers of help. Hospital appointment - do they need time off? A lift? Do they need to leave early to collect other kids? Buy them a hot drink or sandwich if they've been running around sorting stuff and not had time to eat. It's worth remembering that no one takes care of the carers. Unless you're close to the family though, there are going to be limits on what you will feel comfortable offering and them accepting in terms of practical help such as childcare so really it's about being flexible and supportive in the background, and compassionate about the pressure they will be under.

I’d want to establish if your colleague does/doesn’t want direct contact from well meaning colleagues with well wishes/condolences, etc etc - and then set that boundary in place however necessary (individual chats/blanket email, etc).

I think this is good

Sorry but unless you're also friends (in which case I doubt you're asking here) it's not appropriate for your manager to offer help with housework and lifts for other children. Nor would I ask when they're at the hospital so you can cook their dinner...

OP, if you're having regular 1-1s you can mention it then but if not I'd send a message just saying something along these lines:

Hi Steve, I can't imagine the difficulties your family is facing at the minute. If there is anything I can do to accommodate you at work, including flexi hours or additional time off please let me know and I can liaise with HR for you. My door is always open should you need me. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Bereavement leave etc is important but is there a way to give him additional leave to spend time with his child before they die? Not just for hospital appointments, but to be together.

This, and also I’d check with them how they want everything to be handled with the rest of the team e.g. if they are going to need to take short notice absences, what they are comfortable with people being told

The messages are good. It’s tempting to just give them space, but I would check in at least every month and suggest some meet ups in person if they are off. You’d be amazed how many people back away in difficult times.

also if there are relevant charities and the team are up for doing some fundraising, that can be an appreciated and supportive gesture.

Definitely 'what can we do from a work point of view to assist?'

Would delegating some responsibility, over what you know will be a challenging period, be a possibility? If it is then ask if he would welcome that. For some people maintaining the routine of work will be essential. For others less responsibility will be essential.

Agree about Employee Assistance Programme if one is available.

Agree that cooking and offering childcare/ lifts is far to personal for a work relationship.

I thankfully didn’t experience bereavement but do have experience of balancing work with having a child who was at times extremely, critically ill. My team were extraordinary and would regularly ask how my child was doing, genuinely cared (in the sort of corporate environment that isn’t famed for being caring) and most of all on the occasions I had to drop everything because we’d had to rush to hospital I’d have texts saying “everything is covered - focus on your family and don’t worry about anything here”. Essentially they realised some things really are more important than work. Life is a lot calmer now and I’ve changed jobs but still hold a lot of affection for those people who made a very difficult situation easier from a work point of view.

This. When I was working we would have asked him if he needed/wanted to be off work/shorter hours/less days pw ... anything basically to provide practical support.

If work has any employee assistance programme e.g. We can get counselling through ours, I would lso direct them to the support available.

Just let him know his rights regarding parental leave, and anything you can do to help him not be financially impacted by having to leave work to take care of his child himself and his family

Encourage him to take time for himself and watch his workload

It's most helpful to know whether your employer is going to fire you for taking too much time off to care for or grieve for your child. It's a really pressing worry, but you don't want to ask in case it makes the employer sack you even faster.

I lost my Mum through cancer during Covid. She was in hospital and as a family we could make limited visits. My manager was brilliant. I emailed her with how I was going to schedule my time to cover visits, work and children off school. She emailed back and nicely told me not to worry about work, take 2 weeks off compassionate leave and after the two weeks we’d look again at what I needed. She also asked how I wanted any absence to be explained to other members of staff.

My sister is going through this now. Work have asked her what would help, and she has asked them not to talk about it unless she brings it up.

She needs work to be work.

She isn't ready to find out about bereavement leave, and I'm not even sure if she will take any but making sure you know all the answers about leave etc if they do ask will be really helpful.